Things Learned

Those who have attended LFF and since left have learned many things from the experience. Some of these things have greatly helped in finding or selecting a new church. To that end this post is dedicated.

While many have expressed that simply finding any church other than LFF was an amazing relief. Truly, moving from a controlling and abusive environment to any safe environment has obvious value. However, there are things learned from LFF that have opened our eyes to how things can be better at other churches. These are posted below:

1. I am very wary of churches undergoing large building projects. I was there when Karl Barden effectively pulled the wool over our eyes and convinced us Living Faith Fellowship needed a new building. That year, as with every year at LFF, we sang "There's Gonna Be A Revival In The Land" and listened to the 'prophets' proclaim that the harvest was ripe and God was bringing 'great increase.' Karl told us to expect the communities to come flocking to our church. What was really his laziness in being unwilling to have more than one service in the smaller building turned into the manipulation of the congregation to undertake the building of a 2200 seat monstrosity. This church has financially crippled the entire congregation. I could write an essay on how money ought to be spent in a church, but that is not the point here. At LFF the building is really a sunk cost that looks horrible in the eyes of the community, and is a 2200 seat reminder to anyone who knows the Truth About Living Faith Fellowship why they should avoid association at all costs. I would hate to be part of another church wasting money on a large building which would hurt growth, evangelism and ability to support the poor and needy and Biblical programs in the future.

2. (via email) I will never go to a church again where the pastors are worshipped or viewed with an unnecessary amount of success. I visited a church for awhile after leaving LFF which I thought was great. That was until I found out how the senior pastors were treated. They had "armorbearers" which took care of their every need and waited on them hand and foot. These servants were bending over backward to take care of all the tiny little details that the pastors needed and were treated like rubbish. The pastors clearly thought they were above the people serving them, and had obvious pride issues. This was an eerie reminder to me of the situation at LFF, where I witnessed the lives of some of my closest friends ruined through close service of the pastors. The LFF pastors created this conception that those that served them were the ones that were closest to them, and were those with true 'servants hearts.' Publicly the servants were treated well in most cases to further the false notion in the eyes of those on the outside looking in. But privately, these servants who wanted the love and acceptance of the pastors were abused and manipulated and used to take care of everyday tasks in the pastors' families' lives they felt they were above. I know of true stories of those who have cleaned Vance's childrens rooms on a weekly basis while the kids played. People did their laundry, folded their clothes and undergarments, cleaned their entire houses, made them food, gave them nightly massages, waited on them hand and foot--all in the name of 'service of the Lord.' This was not exclusive to vances, but was pretty much standard across the board for most of the LFF leadership. Serving in itself is not wrong in any way, as truly Jesus served everyone. However, when the servant is abused and manipulated in a way that is detrimental to them physically and emotionally, that is wrong. That is what scares me about pastors who are full of pride and think they deserve special service.

3. (via email) At my new church, one does not have to attend church for years and take special classes to become a member. At LFF we were required to take the introductory church classes, take two years of "Catechism" classes and have it verified by our giving records that we were tithing 23.3% of our gross income before we were allowed to become members. We also had to be approved by pastors who subjectively judged whether or not they thought our hearts and character were supportive of the vision of the church. If we were found lacking in their eyes, we were not eligible for membership. And, if you are not a member of LFF, you are not aware of what goes on behind the scenes. You do not get to know how or where money is spent, and you are not able to speak your mind (your voice makes no difference there anyway. the leadership does whatever it wants.) At my new church we went to one post service meeting, held once a month, where those who wished to be members of the church came and the vision and beliefs of the church were explained. The beliefs were basic (one God, the Trinity, water baptism, etc...) and were those all Christians should believe. If we believed the same thing, we prayed together with everyone else and just like that we were members and could attend meetings to vote on important church decisions. Can you imagine the idea of an objective vote at LFF?

4. (via email) We found that too much service had adverse effects on our family. My wife and I spent so much of our time serving that our kids behavior was affected. Because we didn't spend enough quality time with them-playing, loving, conversing-they developed some unsatisfactory behaviors of kids who were not loved enough. The Vances had convinced us that our service was needed literally seven days a week. I could give you a rundown of what we did every day, but I am sure you understand and relate. In our new church, we have found a couple of ways our service really helps the local body. But the time committed is only a fraction of what it was at LFF. Our children have come around and our family is closer than ever. I am glad we got out of there when our kids were young. I see the results of the families really close to leadership whose kids were never shown the proper love and attention. I fear for the Vance's own children. I am so thankful that our eyes were opened before our family was sucked in and became like the average LFF family.

There must be many other helpful lessons learned by those who have attended LFF in the past. We invite readers to post examples, thoughts or questions in the comment box...

Reflection (via e-mail)

First of all- this is a good blog, thank you to whoever is maintaining it, I think it is important for people who have left LFF to have a place to talk about what happened to them, and to share their feelings with people who may understand- I have found that unless you were there, and experienced it, it can't be understood. I have spoken to other Pastors to try and make sense of some of the things, and almost immediately I can see them get nervous or get that look like "uh-oh" a dissenter, or a trouble maker- but I think here we all know that we weren't. We were just hurt and confused, and this type of expression brings some peace to those who use it.

I left LFF after spending 5 years of my young adult life with them. I made some mistakes (that I admitted), but they weren't life and death mistakes, just stupid things like being sloppy and forgetful, not keeping track of things correctly etc- things that since I left I have learned were fairly normal for where I was in my life. I am not making excuses for them, but I received a response that made me reassess my relationship with the church. Up to that point I was a Bible Study leader, a JCD, an intern, and a campus rep, I had developed a real relationship with Jesus, and felt like although I had problems, I was zealous to serve him. But I have to admit that when my CCL and HCL started questioning my sexuality, and my deliverance etc I was confused, scared and overwhelmingly sad. Yet, I stuck it out for some time, actually I held on believing I would be forgiven until one morning at crew. I was accused by an HCL (not my own) of making a sheep fall because I didn't get them to a baptism service on time, and I was told I was selfish and unrepentant. Now, this was very painful because I felt like I had given the last 5 years of my life to the exact opposite thing, I had spent those years documenting my life in 15 minute increments to show that I was spending time bringing people to the Lord- not making them stumble. All that being said, I have to say that I am sad for the people who have been hurt, and I know some of you spent many more years there than me, and I do understand the confusion and loneliness of leaving. But at the end of the day as I look back, I am still grateful to them for my salvation- I would not know Jesus if I had not gone to LFF.

That is hard for me to say; while I was there I walked through a lot of pain- I was "in love" with someone who was very close to leadership, we were doing marriage homework when some of this happened and I believe he was counseled to break up with me; he did it on the phone before a CCF. Obviously, I didn't feel up to going to CCF, but a little later I got a call from my HCL (who knew he had broken up with me) telling me I should be at CCF that night, and missing it was selfish. I only tell you these things because I want anyone reading to know that I did go through pain- but again I say I learned some things about Jesus that were real, and I did learn how to listen to Him. What is ironic is that they taught me to listen to God, and it was that very teaching that allowed me to hear God when he started telling me LFF wasn't where he wanted me.

I have been gone from LFF for over 5 years, and although the wounds left scars, the good thing about scars is that they remind you of what happened, but after a while they stop hurting. I am closer to the Lord now than I ever was; I am married to a fabulous man and we are serving the Lord together, and God has worked things out for me in a way I could not have imagined. So I hope this gives people who have just left, or who are stuck there (either physically or emotionally) some hope. God really does work all things out for good for those who love him- I am proof. We need to stay focused on loving God, and remember that he is our hope and our salvation not a church or a leader- they only have as much power to still hurt us as we let them have- When I finally turned all my pain over to Jesus he really did touch me, and he really did heal me, and yes I am still skeptical of some leadership but I feel like with him, I can heal from that too- he is my hope.

God Bless You All

1 Corinthians 2:9 - But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him

More from the comment box...

It seems there are those that do not frequently check the comment boxes. Thus, here is a comment to a previous post that we feel is both heartfelt and indicative of that which remains at LFF. This saddens us in that, "omission" is arguably out of the question. We leave this comment open for discussion and hope, our readers can provide some insight into what still takes place at LFF.

To the person who is still at LFF:

You have no idea how often you have been and continue to be deceived at LFF. I know many who have caught the Vances in lies about various issues and it has occurred even in the last few months. I caught Kari in several lies and I was deeply grieved that someone who had no grace on others she had caught lying, would be so into the practice herself.

When asked about issues that are causing people to leave, the Vances frequently reply "I don't know what you are talking about". The truth be told, people have gone to them over and over again with abuse issues and they won't hear it.

You can't tell me it's changed when they continue to refuse to come clean about things they have done to people and continue to lie. They want everything to look good but won't face the rot that is at the core. By their own teaching if things were really different they would have "Repented and confessed".
Neither of things have happened.

Please remain open to things God puts in your heart. Too many of us were afraid we were critical, or something was wrong with us so we kept our mouths shut or shut down our intuition. We didn't tell the emperor (or emperess in this case) about her lack of clothing.

Don't be afraid to contact people who have left (there is over 250 in the last couple years) and ask questions. You will find many of us are going on loving God but are still deeply hurting from LFF and are in the healing process.

From the comment box...

I don't know how you all find healing. Really, it's great that you do. But it's not so easy for everyone.

I myself have chosen indifference. I choose to not face the emotions and just put them away. Really, I now have no desire to go to any church. Yes, I do value friendship with God, but I struggle with understanding how He could let these pastors at LFF do so much wrong in His name. That kills me. I thought I could hear from God--His still small voice that I used to be able to guide my life with. But my days at LFF ruined that. I cannot hear God anymore-its all confusion. Why? All the times the leaders at LFF told me that what I heard from God was not accurate. The times they said that "God told them otherwise, and for me to proceed without their blessing would be sin." I don't know what I hear. It's a jumbled mess of confusion. Sometimes I think I hear some direction, but then I hear the still small voice on my other shoulder of some LFF person berating me for my "spiritual immaturity" and I lose it. I can't make THAT voice go away.

When I try to live for Christ it is so frustrating it brings me to tears. I can't do it without the scars from LFF being torn wide open. They hurt and I end up so confused. I don't know how to deal with it so I just shove my feelings. I avoid things having to do with Faith because that's the only way I know to deal with it. At least having the thoughts out of my mind I don't feel the pain.

How can you forgive? I have no desire to do so. Sure the Bible says to...but the Bible is paper and leather...it hasn't ever been in my situation so I have a hard time believing that it even applies. Who do I blame? I blame the current head pastors of the church and the campus pastor the most. They screwed with my head so much, all in the name of their little games. They tried so hard to get me in their system. I was one who could bring several other people along with me, so they tried very hard to rein me in. I was with them for awhile, but through it my heart for Christ was broken so badly I don't even want to try to pick up the pieces. I blame them. I have no idea how to forgive them, and am filled with scorn towards anyone who has the audacity to suppose I should just up and forgive them.

I don't blame myself. I was doing what I honestly thought was right. But because of that-my honest, pure intentions that left me ripe for manipulation-because of that I can't seem to forgive. They stole a lot of my life in college. They stole my heart out of my chest. Broke up my relationship with my first love Jesus and my second love who they said was not appropriate for someone of my spiritual potential. They said to pursue that relationship I would be unequally yoked. I may have missed the ONE for me.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want anything to do with a church. I don't trust pastors, and I never will again. I see parts of LFF in every church I have ever tried since, and that scares the hell out of me.

My life without church and without christian friends seems to be going just fine. I have no problems, few worries, and don't have to deal with the pain and the scars from that infernal church on the hill in pullman. But deep down I know that I am missing God's best for my life and I don't know how to find it. I feel like it was stolen from me in my days in pullman. I feel like it's too late, and what could have been God's best for my life is now another trophy on vance's mantle.

I haven't been able to make it through a praise and worship experience without tearing up and having to leave. That was my favorite thing, and it was the biggest pawn that was used at LFF to manipulate me. It was what I lived for, and now it seems to be the death of me. What a legacy you have created, Joe and Kari.

I am sorry that my comment here is so negative, but I hope you see from it that not everyone finds the healing that is so trivially purported. Not everyone has been able to find a church and move on. I suppose there may be others like me, and in that I find a meager amount of solace. I wish there were none of us. Most of all I wish I could go back and erase what has been done. To go back in time to the moments that mattered most, and stand up to the people at LFF and tell them they were wrong. To look them in the eye and defy the manipulation and control with strength I found in my own integrity. But I know that will never be. What is done is done, and I live with the regret.

I only have two wishes now. One to be able to forget--I have no desire to forgive. And two, that no one else would have to be like me. You see, this is continuing to happen, and every day there become more people hurt by this place, some in big ways and others in small. And it is SO EVIL AND WRONG!!! I write with tears streaming down my face, thinking of myself, but even more of some of my old friends who are still there. People who HAD so much potential who have wasted it on such a shallow existence that is LFF. People unknowingly wrecked by a regime who doesn't even care for them. And that kills me. Why doesn't someone stop it? Why doesn't GOD stop it? I don't understand

First of all thank you for your comment, we admire your honesty and appreciate where your are at. Healing is never easy, it takes time; sometimes a lifetime is not enough. We, in no way intend to be trite when referring to this process nor do we wish to infer it is easy. Healing is anything but easy, it is painful, it requires resolve, tears, and many times, more pain. In this case it is much like when a surgeon must re-break a bone to align it properly before true healing can take place. In writing of healing, we encourage people to find it, but know that it is much easier said than done. It cannot be rushed; and in many cases the slow working hands of time seem only to lessen the pain but never truly erase it.

Everything I experienced at LFF, is now a jumbled mess. There was plenty of good and plenty of evil. My desire for more of Him was stifled. My pursuit of true worship was met with harsh words that served only to highlight my perceived "inadequacies." My relationship with Christ was crippled by those I let in my life to help it. And in all of this mess came an overwhelming sense of defeat. I have been overcome by a host of crushing emotions. And the pain and confusion have been accentuated by the irony of the situation. For truly it is ironic that the acceptance, love, compassion, and joy I sought in the church, I found outside the church. While the abuse, pain, and manipulation I thought I was escaping in salvation, greeted me in the form of a pastor. Some of the most Christ-like people I have met are in fact unsaved. And those who claimed to be the most "Christian" dealt my Christianity blow after blow, pausing only to scold my wincing.

So, at the risk of sounding cliche, I know where you are at. Though I am not familiar with all the details surrounding your confusion; I think I understand. If you feel I am way off base, I apologize and ask that you disregard this entire response. Obviously, you are still hurting and so are many others, myself included. The pain you feel, is at times overwhelming, and forgiveness of those who placed it upon you is the furthest thing from your mind. You have suffered specific wounds at the hands of those you trusted. You have been exploited, looked down on, manipulated, and cast out by those you thought had your best interests in mind. What has been done to you is sinful and unfortunately your situation is not unique; there are a host of others. That simple fact lead to the creation of this place.

It is deeply painful to all of us to read your story as many of us have been through that which you describe. Some of us with the same offending parties and others with different. And we, like you, were made to feel wrong for being hurt, we were criticized, trivialized and in many cases ostracized. All because of some subjective opinion of our perceived spirituality or level of commitment. What happened to you, to me, to all of us, IS WRONG. And one of the biggest challenges is moving on when those who wronged you will hear none of it and want nothing to do with you. Many of us, administrators and readers, have been labeled rebels, dissenters and cynics by the "nurturing shepherds" we so blindly trusted.

Enter confusion, guilt, inability to trust, anger, bitterness, unwanted tears, and broken relationships. And all this at the hands of Christ's Church? Surely a good God would never let this happen. But His thoughts are not our own, He knows best and He is bigger. I know, the colloquialisms can ring hollow after hearing them also on the lips of those who have caused this pain. Nevertheless, though their words may at times bring emptiness to the truth, it does not negate the truth. Throughout history some of the most shocking horrors against humanity have been carried out in the name of God. Genocide, rape, murder, and war all purported under the banner of our Savior. Yet God is God and every man a liar. So again I ask that you hear this with a different ear; God is bigger, He knows what He is doing. Even if what He has allowed to take place makes no sense to us; He is God. Here I refer you to the book of Job.

I know this is difficult for you, for all of us. The water is murky and sorting this mess out seems next to impossible. We have nothing but broken pieces and are left to make black and white out of the grey they created. We all hurt with you and we respect your honesty. It is difficult to forgive and that hardship is only magnified when those you must forgive claim no wrongdoing. Even if you choose to forgive them, you may still be labeled the offending party. I know in their eyes they did nothing wrong to me and this demoralizing turmoil is to them, my own making. So, though I have chosen to forgive and move on; I am still plagued by confusion, a menacing inability to trust, and these wounds that seem as if they will never leave me.

I have forgiven and yet I find myself still forgiving. At times anger overwhelms me and I must deal with it all over again. Is it false repentance? That is what they would have me believe but that is simply not true. These wounds are specific and they are many. At times the pangs come in the least expected moments. I believe (and I am no way touting this as doctrine, take it or leave it) when Jesus said seventy times seven He was referring to the same offense. He knows the human heart and knows that sometimes you must forgive the same thing countless times. So yes, I have forgiven, and yes, I am forgiving, and yes, I will forgive. Many times forgiving is the last thing I want to do and in doing so I re-introduce the hurt.

Yet while forgiveness has come, trust has not. I can honestly say, I will never trust the senior pastors at LFF again. To do so would be foolish. This fact has been a crucial part of my healing. I can forgive but I don't have to allow them any power or influence in my life ever again. I would never ask a victim of abuse to prove the validity of their forgiveness by spending some quality alone time with their abuser. Why? Because the abuser destroyed their trust and while one might forgive the abuse, it would be idiotic to expect that in forgiveness lies restored trust. In forgiveness you will find the first steps toward recovery but forgiveness never requires that you open yourself up again to those who hurt you. Please do not hear us as those who would glibly tout healing. We know it is a long process and for some this process may never end, and that is okay.

We wish in no way to prod you to forgive or to be healed. That is something only you can do and only when you are ready. Within the walls of LFF were systems that were supposed to mold you into the uniform "Christian" they envisioned. Here that is not the case. There is no secret formula, no program, no crew and no meeting with oversight that will heal you or set you free. Instead, there is only prayer. We all pray that healing takes place and forgiveness comes to each and every one of us. Yet, we realize this will be a unique experience for everyone, never easy, never shallow, and never brief.

We come here at many different stages in the healing process. In this place we hope that many may find some sort of healing. We hope those who have made it further in the process can offer both encouragement and sympathy to those who have yet to take the first step. We offer this place as a community forum on the road to recovery. We expect nothing of anyone who comes here and seek to rush this process for no one. It is our true desire to aid any of you in any way that we can. Though none of us will ever be able to erase the wrong doing or the painful memories; we hope the words on this page bring some form of relief. We pray God blesses every one of you no matter where you are in your journey. We desire that each one of you know a true and simple relationship with God. This can be replaced by nothing, and even if your trust in any pastor is forever destroyed please don't let that destroy your trust in God.

Freedom

Where is the freedom we were supposed to have in Christ? Where is the joy, the love, the peace that passes all understanding? Instead, within the walls of LFF, so many people were trapped, slaves to acceptance, rules of holiness, and "the servant's heart." God is not the author of confusion and yet confusion has been one of the predominant fruits in the lives of those who attended Living Faith Fellowship. The e-mails we have received attest to this. They attest to the hurt, the inability to trust, and the chaos brought on by the tirades of shepherds. We came for clarity and left confused.

And then came this place, a place to name one's pain; a place to help free people from the guilt they should never have felt. A guilt that was heaped on them for feeling wronged. The fact is people were wronged. Yet the teachings of LFF have conditioned the hurting to feel as if they are sinning for acknowledging that pain. Since when did someone have the audacity to label pain as sin, and questions as a critical spirit?

This is not a pity party or a place to foster bitterness. Yet, those who have never felt this pain or who have caused these hurts would say otherwise. That is simply not true. This is a place in which you can be free. Free to acknowledge the pain, free to name that hurt, free to cry, and free to let go. Though scars remain, in time the pain diminishes.

We are glad people have been able to see that they were wronged. Many have carried these wounds rooted in confusion for far too long and it has crippled them. Yet, that which happened to you is not your fault; don't let anyone place their own sins on your head.

There is freedom and love and acceptance in Him. This comes freely and you can do nothing to earn it. It is unconditional, never contingent on your service or level of commitment. Know His love in its beauty and let no man take that from you. His healing is as real as your pain. There is no point in waiting for those who have wronged you to seek your forgiveness or even admit they failed. That may never happen and it matters not.

Thank you for the e-mails of encouragement, for the dialogue through comments and most of all for your support. We never thought this site would have such an impact. The site continues to see increasing traffic. In the last week alone, we have seen over 1,200 unique visitors. Truly, something good has and will continue to come of this. God bless you all and know His healing.

An encounter...via e-mail

I wrote this a few weeks ago after speaking with my former senior pastor after years of being away. You can post it if you want, perhaps someone will relate.

It was Saturday. The rain and the sun traded blows, each trying to establish dominance. But this battle was an afterthought, only an atmosphere with which to hold the ensuing battle. The real struggle was all mental and thus it took precedence in my troubled mind. Saturday's conflict was not as cut and dry as the classic skirmishes our society has afforded us. For, in this scene, the lines between good and evil, between right and wrong, between black and white were all blurred. Instead there was only a murky grey. Good was evil and evil was not definable.

Saturday was a flash back. But this was no mental snapshot, instead I was physically thrust into an all-too-real shadow of my haunting past. A past in which you lorded your authority over me; you were shepherd and I was sheep. A past that brings restless nights, empty days, and surprising moments of confusing agony. Time and its intrinsic healing ability have rounded off the edges and numbed the acuteness. Yet, there is no amount of time that will ever erase these scars. In a moment, I am undone. Time and all its power mean nothing. Clarity is lost and I am once again left to make black and white out of grey. Your presence has again muddied these waters.

Somehow, your delusions transcend everyone present, yet they baffle me. Will you ever see the world beyond your mind? The world in which you are wrong; the world in which the pain you inflict is visible not to me but to you? To me, this will never make sense. To you, there was never any sense to make. In grey you see black as white and wrong as right. Your pride holds your humility and your pleasure, pain. Your lies are infallible, to you, they are truth. Saturday is gone and my innocence is lost. Saturday is gone and your innocence is reassured. Somehow, someway, you win. You brought awareness to my pain. You forced me to assign words to your delusions. You confirmed my fears; your words still hurt. I told myself you could hurt me no more, but Saturday melted my defenses leaving me in speechless horror as they became water running through my hands.

An e-mailed response to the previous post

I apologize in advance as this became rather lengthy rather quickly. I think you will find it relevant in response to the previously e-mailed question. I read the last post and could not help but respond. This blog has been very helpful for me in naming and dealing with my pain. But no post has required a response of me until now. And so, to whoever you are with the questions…You are right, no church is perfect, churches are run by people and therefore will always have flaws. As to the vagueness, there are specific issues all over the blog. Perhaps they lack the gory details, but they are there, you just have to see them. If I had the ability I could walk you through the whole blog with a highlighter showing you the causes of people’s pain. It seems the administrators here have chosen not to relate one time instances or many detailed descriptions because by most measures it would be trivial.

If people were to recount the detailed interactions and certain instances that caused the departure of anyone; it would take hundreds if not thousands of pages. Yet that desire for details is something that is inherently wrong with LFF. It is driven by information, and that information only flows one way. There are numerous weekly and monthly meetings to discuss the information and sin in the lives of sheep. But, this is pointless, it is a waste of all of our time to sit here and argue about what kinds of details are passed along about sheep to “shepherds.”

So perhaps you cannot see the specifics here and that is fine, allow me to help your search. As you can tell from reading, the most common topics are these; spiritual abuse, control, abuse of authority for personal gain, arrogance of leadership, and failure of the pastors to accept any point of view besides the their own. It is easy to miss all of these things going on around you; after all they are being done in the name of God. At times I missed them too.

Frankly, asking for intimate details is a bit of an odd request given that there are obviously an overwhelming amount of people that are hurt and only now finding healing. Whether you realize it or not, you are in a fact asking victims of abuse to recount the explicit details of that abuse. Is the pain not good enough, not real enough, must you hear the intricacies too?

I realize that for some it is hard to believe without unequivocal proof. So I will oblige you with some of the details of my own experience. Those in current leadership will deny this; again chalking it up, like usual, to gross misinterpretations on my part due to sin in my life. I will be the first to tell you that is no news; I am a sinner. Anyone who says they have no sin in their life is nothing more than a delusional liar, thus a sinner. So writing this off because of one’s sins is completely irrelevant, a shoddy argument at best. I say that only because this is the first route taken by the pastors to discredit the truth. However, it would be a waste of all of our time for me to sit here and make up some story about the church.

I went to LFF for nearly twenty-five years. Born and raised, a true product of the church. I have been through it all there. I have been yelled at, screamed at, and even cussed at by the former and current pastors. All this in the name of God and “righteous anger.” Remember, God only chastens those He loves. Oh, and my countenance I was always getting an earful for that. If I wasn’t smiling, I was sinning and so the yelling came again. People who have been around there long enough constantly said there are double standards and this one is classic. How many times have I been chewed out for my frown by the frowning pastor’s wife? Countless.

I saw my best friend’s family publicly humiliated for the sins of their son. These sins were the subject of a special members meeting that we were all required to attend. The poor choices of a teenager became the topic of discussion for the evening. The family was publicly stripped of their leadership responsibilities. They ended up moving away from Pullman and we were all forbidden to talk to them. The church had forced their own out; those who had given so much were ostracized by the leadership. For what? This tore me up inside, my best friend was gone and I could not talk to him because he was a “sinner.” Good thing Jesus talked to sinners or we would all be lost.

I continued to attend with my family but hated the fact that my parents were always doing church stuff. I rarely saw my parents as they worked for the church and were either working, ministering, or in their free time assisting the pastors with projects around their house. The church said family comes before ministry but they required their members to put family after church. This was never said but as every preacher loves to tell us, “Actions speak louder than words.” This was not just my family; the same was true of all of my friends’ families. Families always took a back seat to church. I was troubled by this and countless other hypocrisies.

At 16 I told the senior pastor that I did not want to go to the Christian School any more because we didn't have a football team and I wanted to play football. He replied by crawling across the top of his desk in a screaming fit of rage. He kicked me out of my house, right in front of my parents without even consulting them. I looked at my parents and they said nothing, we all knew to question his judgment, asinine as it was, was never tolerated. I spent two nights at a friend’s house before coming home and begging to go back to the school. Not because I wanted to, because I had to.

I hated the school, hated the church and hated the system I was trapped in. I was told how to walk, how to talk, how to act, and what to think. The growing number of discrepancies I saw caused me to never take anything at face value. And so I inwardly questioned. Questioned policies, questioned double standards, questioned the godliness of the tirades of the pastor, and questioned this false reality the church had painted for me. I knew questioning was never acceptable but I could not stand it. I could not take these thoughts tearing apart my insides anymore. So I began to ask but never received answers. Instead of being told why the way things were the way they were, I was labeled as a rebel.

I was then constantly in trouble for the tiniest things. Things that were not even issues garnered the wrath of the pastors. I once wore my hat backwards while I was shooting baskets. Like it or not, it is easier to make a shot if you are not hitting the bill of your hat every time you shoot the ball. Well, someone saw me with my hat turned backwards and reported me to the senior pastor. He then brought me in front of everyone at members meeting and while the current senior pastors watched silently, he yelled at me, hit me in the face, and banned me from wearing a hat ever again on LFF property. Apparently, he decided backwards hats were rebellious and therefore, to him, I was rebelling.

Suddenly, everything about me was being judged, the clothes I wore, the people I talked to, even the Christian music I listened to. Yes, Christian music. The senior pastor even preached a message one Sunday saying in front of the entire congregation that he was angered by the fact that some of the people who grew up here had gone to a Christian rock concert in Spokane. I was in college but I had to beg for his forgiveness for being rebellious and going to a Third Day concert. Unfortunately I was a little early, no one in the church yet approved of the music they now sing in worship services.

It became too much, I hated that place and I could not take it anymore. I began doing what I wanted and not telling anyone about it. But they found out; I was ex-communicated from the church. The current senior pastor and an assistant came to my apartment and told me I was no longer allowed to speak to my family, my friends, or anyone associated with LFF because of “un-repentance” in my life. Was I sinning? Emphatically yes. But sin was not tolerated so they wanted nothing to do with me. My friends were told, “Don’t talk to him; he made his own bed now let him lie in it.” And so it was, for three years I had almost no contact with my family and all those I grew up with; it was not allowed.

And as quickly as it began, it ended. I wanted my family back and my life without God was a wreck. I returned to my home late one evening and once again found God. It was perfect, innocence at last. I loved everything about Him, and was enamored by anything that had to do with my new found Savior. I asked forgiveness of many people for my rebellion and for believing lies about them. My joy was complete

As the school year approached, I was asked if I wanted to be a JCD. I said, “No.” But “no” was the wrong answer. I was asked to meet with the soon to be campus pastor who strongly encouraged me to become a JCD. I was still not convinced so the current senior pastor met with me and again strongly encouraged me to join. And I did. Within a month I hated it. I was in trouble for not filling out reports or not spending enough time doing this or that. The system had taken hold again; backbreaking rules replaced true love and an innocent desire for God. Then all at once the joy I had vanished.

As I became more involved I was shocked. The things that had troubled me as a youth did in fact happen. I asked forgiveness for what I thought were juvenile misconceptions on my part. I sought forgiveness for being critical of the double standards, forgiveness for thinking of the pastors as arrogant, and forgiveness for assuming the anger (verbal abuse) that had driven me away was ungodly. Yet, all these things were still happening; I was led to believe I needed to ask forgiveness for the sins against me. I became confused and the closer I looked the more I saw. I brought these issues -- which I could give you even more specifics but it would overwhelm you -- to people in leadership and to my surprise, some of them agreed. But the senior pastors felt otherwise.

Then it snapped, I saw many of my friends start to leave the church for the exact things that had troubled me in the past. I tried to point out why they were leaving to the new pastors but it was useless. I had no voice and that which deeply troubled me was to them, untrue. So I opted for anonymity. I drafted the letter that appears on the very bottom of this site and sent it to the pastors. (I was a little surprised when I found it here on this blog, but I am glad someone is making use of it.) It became a witch hunt. And after several weeks I came forward and claimed my previously unsigned correspondence. This led to several very long meetings that went absolutely nowhere. I did receive an apology from the senior pastors though…”We are sorry you feel this way, but how you feel is not accurate.” That was a first, up to that point in my life I had never been told of my errant ways in an apology. I was made to feel guilty and I myself apologized for writing the letter. Which in retrospect was a mistake; I said nothing untrue and was only trying to stop the efflux of members.

After a few more pointless meetings, I left. Since then, I have seen hundreds of people leave for the exact same things I tried to point out; control, manipulation, double standards, and abuse of authority. But what grieves me most are the ones that really tried the ones who really “pressed in.” My friends on the worship team and in the CCF band were forced out for not being submissive to someone’s personal idea of holiness. For not choosing the “songs God wanted to hear for worship.” For refusing to admit, and I quote, “LFF is the best church in world.” For questioning when what they heard from God was not what their pastor was telling them. For singing songs in worship that God’s song selector had not yet approved or had a chance to sing on a Sunday. Apparently the songs God wants to hear on a Friday must be sung on a Sunday first. He seems to like a larger audience to introduce potential worship service classics. For many reasons people have been pushed out and innocence destroyed. These reasons coupled with the inability of the senior pastors, past and present, to accept any differing point of view or minor criticism from anyone has driven a host of people from LFF.

And so here a growing number of the departed come, expressing their pains, searching for God in the mess “His anointed” made for them. And the thing that hurts them beyond what you can even imagine is the fact that the church they loved and poured so much into wants nothing to do with them. Its leaders label the pain, as generalized complaining and ungodly criticism rooted in sin. The confused lives of the departed are held up as “I told you so’s,” aiming to force others into submission. The leadership thinks they know best and if you feel otherwise be prepared to pay. They say they have changed but it is only appearance. There is still the underlying spirit of manipulation and control and it is still crushing people’s souls.

I apologize for the long e-mail and can only imagine the varying interpretations it will get if you post it. I am not angry at anyone or anything that happened to me. I do not blame any of my actions, both in youth and adulthood, on anyone. I made my own choices and so did those who hurt and manipulated me. I have forgiven them and moved on. It is not anger I feel toward them, instead I pity them in their crippling inability to see the pain they have inflicted and continue to inflict on many. I hope by giving you some of the details you requested you will see the topics on this site are in fact real. There are many more details but I have already gone on far too long. I know there are those who will interpret this as bitterness and that is fine. Sometimes it is hard to infer the proper meaning through words on a page. I cannot control the way this is received and can only hope somehow, someway it will help someone.

Questions via e-mail...

Dear Truth About LFF Blogspot Persons,

I came across the blog and read most of it. I have some questions about it that I hope you can answer. First, let me say that my husband and I are still attending LFF and we have been for 5 and 7 years. While we believe that no church is perfect and that LFF is certainly included in that statement, we haven't found anything so disturbing to make us leave. We think it's a good body and we have grown a lot here.

I do not think badly of you for making this website and pray for you all that your hurts will be healed and that forgiveness can come. I do not know what went on to make you leave, but I assume that each reason is very different. God Bless you as you grow in Him.

Anyway, my questions:

1. This blog seems really vague to me. Everyone seems hurt and mad at LFF but there are no specific instances of stuff that happened. Is this on purpose? I am curious to know what things happened to make people so hurt and angry at this church.

2. The files. I heard about these too and was upset. I went and talked to a pastor about this and asked straight up about these files. I was told that yes, files were kept, but they were in a locked file cabinet in the evangelism office. They were brief, no details and kept only for legal purposes, such as if someone tried to sue LFF for whatever. No pastors ever looked at these unless it was to add something to a file. I was told that the Vances decided to destroy ALL of these files and not to keep them anymore because it caused so many people to stumble. I was told that many churches kept files like this. However, on the blog there was a post about these files that said they were very, very detailed and had pictures, lists of sins, conversations, etc. Are you sure this person was telling the truth? How long ago did he/she find these files while vacuuming? Did s/he ever talk to anyone about them?

I know these are kind of long, but I am curious about these two items in particular. You can post these questions on the blog if you want, that way I may get some more opinions that just one person's.

Thank you

Question - Who is to blame?

A question from e-mail...

I was wondering if the mutual feeling was that only the people still in "leadership" are to blame or if everyone that was involved for many years still are blamed for their involvement?

I'm not sure how other people feel about this subject, but I hold no grudges against those that have admitted their failure in their involvement for so long and did repeatedly try to reach the "leadership" before leaving LFF.

I just want a few answers and some feedback on my feelings.

Even if this is not posted on the blog, (I understand that this question could be too volatile) could you send me feedback about what others may or may not have said on this subject.

Thanks!

P.S.
For all the kids from LFF: We're all going to be okay. That wasn't the end of our lives. And now we can dream really big and live life the way it was meant to be lived. There is no one to stop us. Live your dreams!!!!!!

We feel this is an issue that deserves a wider audience and are therefore bringing this e-mail to "the front page" to discuss it. First and foremost, none of us hold any grudges toward anyone involved past or present at LFF. Obviously we are not perfect and at times resentment gets the better of all of us but we are all working past that. We recognize that many people were involved in many ways at LFF and many of these people were manipulated into doing things they have since come to regret. It has become obvious to a great deal of people, that LFF does in fact ruin lives. Some may say that is a bold statement, but we are all still trying to overcome the stones cast in our paths. It is common for people like me, who have left the church, to struggle in finding God, and struggle even more in fitting into any kind of church structure. For instance, I love my current church, but every time I walk into a service, all my scabs from the wounds inflicted by LFF leadership, are instantly torn off. It is a true paradox in that attending church both slows and expedites the healing process.

The question seems to be, "Who is to blame for the pain?" I, for one, take the blame for allowing myself to be manipulated, exploited and abused. The entire structure and culture of LFF quickly sucks one in and it is easy to fall into the trap of allowing the lines to blur between church and God. We have found it important to keep in mind that there is a huge difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. We hate no one at LFF but the fact is the founding pastors and current pastors are stifling the spiritual growth of many. Arrogance has lead to abuse of power and gross misinterpretation of Scripture. Many of us have since been reconciled with much of the former and transitional LFF leadership.

During the church transition a lot of things changed. Pain found a voice and that voice was shot down. Those of us that were there as the Bardens relinquished power to the Vances saw a true opportunity to see LFF make large strides in the right direction. We also found those in the transitional leadership team felt the same way. Finally, our pain was acknowledged as real, and we were not scolded for our agony. As we related our hurts to most of the pastors who had been at LFF for years, they related. They took these issues to the top. Unfortunately, try as they may, those on the transitional leadership team had no success. They were silenced as well; the Vances would have none of it. Pastors, care leaders, and members were forced out, many of them for trying to help many of us. True the current leadership will say, God called them somewhere else, and thankfully he did. But those who left had been there for much of their lives and the reason for the departure was due largely in part to their silenced voices. Their efforts are greatly appreciated by all of us and many of us maintain strong relationships with these people as they helped shoulder our burdens.

Again, we hold no grudges and if any of us find unforgiveness finding a foothold in our lives we work hard to rid ourselves of that. So while reconciliation has come to many relationships there are some that all logic would say will never be reconciled. There was a pattern at LFF set into to motion by the founding pastors and assisted and now carried out by the new senior pastors. This pattern of abuse of power, manipulation, nepotism, and the destruction of many people's fragile relationships with God, is wrong. By being silent, we have seen more people hurt and lost and we cannot do so any more. Though we will most likely never be able to break this cycle with our words we may save others from the same pain. For decades now people have tried to stop the abuse and sin at LFF and for decades they have failed. It would be foolish of us to think that in somehow this website would lead to other results. We can call attention to the the hurt and that which causes it. In doing so we hope to aid in both our own and your healing.

The Idea of Grieving

More E-mail: (No, we have not abandoned posting, but we wanted to get more of these e-mails we keep getting up onto the site.)

As a kid who grew up at LFF, I am very well acquainted with the pain, hurt and anger that my past brings up. All of us visiting this site and expressing our emotions and feelings are at different levels of healing. Most of us have moved away or cut ourselves off from LFF. Like many of you I moved away from Pullman, but because I still have ties to Pullman and LFF through family, I find myself returning there once in a while. I often re-live those feelings and emotions the minute I set foot in Pullman and especially so when I walk through the doors of the church. Images flash through my mind and I can hear conversations that make my insides want to curl up and die.

I remember being back there at Easter one year and I had geared myself up to be strong. I had been gone a while and I thought I had dealt with my personal issues with LFF. I was choosing to forgive and move on with my life. They were not going to drag me down any longer. I marched right through those doors and I swear, everyone who caused me the most pain and hurt that was still attending that church managed to run into me and greet me like I was some long lost friend. It took everything within me to plaster a smile on my face and respond to them civilly. I was angry, so angry. Why did it take me going away from LFF for these people to realize I even existed? How could they possibly greet me so warmly when they had completely ignored me in the past and through many things inadvertently made my life a living hell…not to mention the times they actually DID made my life a living hell?

The feeling and emotions hit my defense wall like a giant wrecking ball. I felt defeated…they had gotten the best of me…again. I felt hopeless and wondered if I would I ever be able to put this behind me. Later as I was contemplating the feelings and emotions this situation evoked, I came to this revelation. It is the concept of the Grieving Process.

All of us ex-LFFers have lost something because of our exposure to LFF. For some of us that might be innocence, our values and beliefs and trust in people especially leadership of any kind. Maybe we have lost faith, hope, and the ability to forgive. It may be that we have lost relationship with our families or even in some cases we have lost our own children. This loss, once realized can lead to gut wrenching waves of grief.

This outline is simply to help you identify or give a name to what you may be going through if you find that helpful. You may have seen it before but I expounded on each point as it relates to LFF.

The process goes like this.

Denial and Shock:

Do you remember when you first became aware of what was really going on around LFF? For me it was a gradual process but when you grow up in something like this you don’t necessarily know anything different until you are outside the walls.

Anger:

Need I say more…We are all angry. Angry at the pastor that told us we were in sin for a myriad of things like having boy/girl relationships in high school...you fill in the blank. Or the pastor that screamed at me for not asking her how to turn on her vacuum cleaner before I even got the cord off the unit while I was her servant (slave) minister. Angry at those pastor kids, who thought like their parents, they could thumb us into submission. Being yelled at for other people's "sins." Anger toward people who refused to hear us out and jumping on us for our sins when we dared ask for help. Angry that we were forced to suppress our feeling and not being allowed to stand up for ourselves. Living in fear of going to school because we never knew which pastor was going to jump out of the blue carpet and yell at us. The list goes on and on and on.

Bargaining:

This means you make deals with God in return for favors, healing, etc.

Guilt:

You may find yourself feeling guilty for things you did or didn’t do. I think that regret easily fits into this step as well. Here you have to learn to forgive yourself. We are human and in many cases, we weren’t able to see what was really happening in this particular situation.

Depression:

I think all of us have been through varying degrees of this step. Simply put, it doesn’t feel good to be used and abused. The efforts of trying to forgive and move on are difficult, especially like in my case when I thought I had conquered it or at least gotten a grip on it.

Loneliness:

As you go through changes in your social life because of leaving LFF it’s natural to feel lonely and afraid. I personally have found that as I have taken tiny steps forward, God has brought people into my life that I have been able to befriend and the feeling of loneliness doesn’t come up as much. Don’t get me wrong, it is hard to make friends and restore bridges of relationship we have burned because LFF told us to. But don’t lose heart it will happen in time. I refer you to Twisted Scriptures at this point. It has some good advice to moving on after getting out.

Acceptance:

Here I stress: ACCEPTANCE DOES NOT MEAN HAPPINESS OR FORGIVING AND FORGETTING! It simply means you accept the reality that this happened to you. It was a part of your past and it was painful, but it is behind you and you can move on if can accept that fact.

Hope:

Eventually, as you reach this point, you will find memories and the things that trigger strong emotional responses will be less frequent and less painful. Realistically, the scars are there and they are not going to go away. But like in the acceptance stage, you will able to see past them. You might even be able to remember some good times because I bet every one of us has at least one good thing or relationship that evolved during our time at LFF. You are not alone and we can help each other.

Sometimes I feel I have gone through this process for each individual painful memory or thought from my past. With some of them I am still far away from resolution. It’s going to take time. Some days are better than others are. But when I allow myself to go through this grieving process for the things I have lost, I know it’s okay to feel and to allow time for forgiveness to bring healing. I have had success in dealing with some issues as I have worked through this process so I know there is hope to be found here.

Don’t be afraid to grieve because it is how healing takes place. We have all lost things that are important to us and it has been very painful, but God will bring healing for us by His grace and love if we let Him. Just be patient. Give yourself time to go through the process and let the healing take place. We can find support in God and each other as we grieve our losses and find the hope for tomorrow.

healing

via email...

Healing is bittersweet. It is beautiful ...and liberating ..and painful ...and takes time.

One can not "dig up" the issues to heal them, but must patiently wait and face them one at a time. There was a time when I tried to rush the healing and force it sooner, but the pain of disappointment, regret and shame nearly overwhelmed me, threatening me to depression. It was robbing me of my joy and hope today by trying to deal with the past too much at once. Then, the wrong voices of the past of "don't talk about it, you're sowing discord, you're in sin" would haunt my mind and I would fall again to the prey of the lie that kept it all inside, empowering the lies even further.

I would like to say to each of you walking this path of redemption, of freedom, of forgiveness and true grace in God, there is hope. There is healing, there is life, there is acceptance and peace and true joy. There is a place where you learn to trust again. But it takes talking and it takes time. That's why I think this site is such a beautiful tool for those who need to find validation of the experiences they went through. Support for the things you are feeling or have felt. It's OK - it is a vital part of the healing process and you need to talk. I know, people who haven't been there or gone through these things can not relate...they think you exaggerate or make it up, which can only add to the lies that swirl in your soul. No, it was real. It was wrong. It was ungodly. It was hurtful. It is over. Thank God, it is over.

May you be free to fly, free to love, free to trust and free to be whole again! Jesus Christ is full of hope, grace, love, peace, compassion and does not love you conditionally as you may have been taught. After nearly 20 years of learning about "God" at LFF, I have come to realize I did not really know the true God at all. It's been a beautiful learning process and so much more simple than I could have ever imagined. It has nothing to do with me, my efforts, my reading, my service, my filthy rags...it is entirely and only because of the Blood of Jesus. Thank God. Enjoy Him in simplicity and love again!

The Pressure Cooker

Contributed via e-mail...

If you've ever considered what life would be like under a microscope spend some time on the "leadership track" at LFF and you'll find out very quickly. The microscope, in my case, was always there, and created a pressure cooker under which even the strongest of people could only survive for so long. You may ask what that pressure cooker was comprised of. Consider having your skills, energy, ideas and time used on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis (for free mind you). You feel as though you finally start to break into something you feel called to do or just simply enjoy. But wait, not so fast. Isn't there something in your life holding you back? Yes, there must be some sin that requires a second look and prevents you from actually achieving the desires of your heart. Mistakes are used to control your every day. Mentally there is no escape, there is no relief from the pressure. Everywhere you look there are eyes watching you, ears listening, monitoring, keeping tabs. What kind of fruit is being produced? Did hands go up in worship? Is there enough dancing? How about speaking in tongues? Are they smiling? Reaching out? Are they "pressing in" to leadership? What kind of example are they setting? Oh, by the way, why are you behind in your bible reading and your spiritual notebook? It's not simply enough that you go to church on Sunday, and Wednesday, and Friday, and Saturday, but you must be available for additional service at the drop of a hat. I haven't even mentioned that you're struggling in keeping up with a full-time job and school/family. This is what my life was comprised of for years. This is to speak nothing of having any time for personal relationships or recreation of any kind. My recreation consisted of being available for projects for pastoral staff and the nonstop events that kept your mind and body occupied 24/7. It wasn't until I stepped back from the church, and broke free from the control, that I realized what true life could be like. Because I am a volitional being I understand that I am the one who chose to stay there as long as I did. Looking back I wish I was stronger and could see the incredible effect it had on my life and the lives of my family. I am thankful that my children will never understand the pain that I went through. I wish this experience on no one. I take full responsibility for buying into the sales tactics and lines that were fed to me, and am glad that now I can begin the rebuilding process. The struggle begins now, in real life, learning what a true relationship with Jesus Christ means. I now must find out what is real to me. I struggle walking into other churches and hearing the same lingo and seeing some of the same practices. I feel that every church is a sales platform, although I know it's not true. It is difficult for me to distinguish between sincerity and manipulation. As the pressure increases, the cooking temperature rises.

Math

More e-mail...

I, one of many former and hurt followers of the institutionalized pain that is LFF, was reading the current posts and it came to mind, once again, how in the world does that place maintain the number of people that they have? Truly, with the number of people that I personally know who have chosen to "backslide" in recent years, I almost thought the whole place would eventually "backslide" right off the top of that unholy hill! But, after some thought I've come to realize, that the success of LFF is due in large part to it's presence in a college town. That is to say, everything there (for the most part) is built upon the back breaking labor of young people and college students. I have only in my private thoughts (until now) at times likened it to a giant organism, that feeds on the blood of the great number of people it seduces. Most of whom are young and vital. Some realize that they are being sucked dry and struggle free, while others, with the proboscis of the giant parasite still in their veins, sing the villain's praises.

But, I digress my interest was how they maintain their numbers. True, many people have seen the light and wriggled free of the monster's grasp, but still it seems there is always someone eagerly waiting to replace them as the victim in the feed trough. The secret to the success of this great eater, as with any other is turnover. A practice that is especially effective in this town where more than half the population is replaced every four years. Now, not to disregard those victims who are permanent residents, but the fact remains that this is a place that to a large extent people are "passing through". From one stage of life to another, childhood to adulthood or
from one job to the next.

A college town is a transitional town. That is why the great "recruiters" and the "disciplers" frequent these places, they prey upon people who want their lives to mean something, so they tell them their life "means something to us", or "to God", or even "We know how you can change the world", etc. All things people in transitional stages of life like to hear.

But, I digress again. Turnover is what sustains LFF. Why do you think they have such a massive "outreach" program, for the freshmen? Why are they always scrambling to be on both campuses as soon as the first bell rings each semester? Why is the lemonade stand so gosh darn important to be involved with? And heck, why is it the popular hangout spot every semester? I shall attempt to explain: With a church whose attendance is approximately, say 700, and whose efflux is say 150-300 per year, you would of course need to replace all those bodies. Now, if we take just the college populations of Moscow and Pullman to be 25,000, (I will conservatively estimate 10,000 and 15,000 respectively), and assume that 1/4 or 6,250 of those are incoming freshmen, understanding soon dawns. All that is needed to counterbalance the efflux of persons with an influx to match of people who have never even heard of LFF is less than 4.8% of the incoming crop of blood suckee potentials! NOW THAT IS DO ABLE! I would love to end on a happier note, but as long as there are freshmen, there will be LFF's, it's sad, but the numbers don't seem to lie. LFF is still here after years of ruining lives.

As PT Barnum once said: "There's a sucker born every minute."

Well, this is one sucker that doesn't like lollipops anymore!

Editor's note: This e-mail was not sent anonymously. However, though the author is not afraid to be named, we have chosen to withhold their identity. It has long been a common practice at Living Faith Fellowship to point out whatever flaw can be found in those voicing their opinions. We wish to protect the author from once again being placed under the LFF microscope. Though ad hominem arguments are never sound; LFF has been far to successful in the application of this fallacy.

He

Via e-mail....

He (Jars of Clay)

Don't try to reach me
I'm already dead
The pain when it grips me
For things that I've done

Well I try to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over
Will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down.....again

Daddy don't you love me
Then why do you hit me?
And Momma don't you love me
Then why do you hurt me?

Well I've tried to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over
Will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down.....again

A teardrop falls
From up in the heavens
Drowning the sorrow of angels on high
For the least of the helpless
The hopeless, the loveless
My Jesus, His children,
He holds in His arms

He loves you, He sees you,
He knows you, protects you,
He needs you, He holds you

Commenting

This site was started by a group of former members of LFF. As has been said before, we write for many reasons, yet, none of those reasons are to in any way to hinder someone's relationship with God. This site quickly evolved beyond any of our imaginations. It has much more traffic than any of us ever expected. It is starting to take shape as a forum on the abuse of members and former members of LFF. Many people have written e-mails expressing their own pains, relating their own personal struggles and their steps toward healing. A select few of these e-mails have made it up onto the blog and some still will. As a result of the numerous questions that have come in via e-mail, we will start and maintain another website that aims to answer the most frequently asked questions we receive about Living Faith Fellowship. There is a link to it at the bottom of this post.

As the administrators of this site we realize that as people comment on here, they will be writing from different stages of the healing process. Therefore, the comments are the views of their author and not necessarily the views of those maintaining this blog. Many of the comments are in fact the views of the hosts, but we can not be responsible for what is said by the readers. We in no way wish to censor the views of anyone who visits here. We welcome and respect all opinions. In rare circumstances, if a comment is deemed vulgar or has outbound links to inappropriate material, it will be removed. We welcome a healthy exchange of thoughts and opinions on this site. This is something that was not possible at LFF and we, in no way, wish to replicate that environment on our site.

Thank you to all of you who have commented and e-mailed thus far. We appreciate all of your kind words and the overwhelming support in your e-mails. Frankly, we never imagined this site would touch so many people so quickly. Yet, judging by the sheer volume of hits we have received and the amount of e-mails you all have sent, the word has gotten out. We hope those of you who were hurt by this church will find healing. We will keep you all in our thoughts and prayers.

Answers to Questions About Living Faith Fellowship

suggested reading

I suggest you read the book Twisted Scriptures. It is available on Amazon.com and Half.com.

The editorial review:
Leaders of many religious groups (even including several mainstream churches) are twisting the Scriptures to subtly coerce cooperation from their members. In the process, personalities are changed and lives ruined. Mary Alice Chrnalogar is a deprogrammer with an international reputation. Chrnalogar reveals how classic mind control techniques are used to systematically seduce followers into total obedience. Twisted Scriptures: A Path To Freedom From Abusive Churches shows readers how to tell when churches are suppressing freedom of speech, intimidating followers, and distorting the Bible. Twisted Scriptures is invaluable as a self-help guide and as a tool for families and friends to free loved ones from destructive groups.

For those who have attended Living Faith Fellowship, the first chapter will be eerily familiar. For those who are attending currently, this will give you a heads up on what to be aware of and look out for.

Read the first chapter free on amazon.com. You will be amazed.

My "Rebellion"

I hate how you stole the joy from my pursuit of God. I had pure intentions. At first the God I knew brought peace to my life. The God I knew was the same God that David knew in the Bible--a God of power and strength, one of understanding and love.

Somehow, you leaders at LFF, convinced me that God and LFF and your "vision for my life" were all the same thing, and all were in favor of guiding me to the same end. Somehow I ended up believing the lie that your impressions of my goals and behaviors were in line with God's. Where you get the audacity to play god to anyone I will never understand. How you have the confidence to stand there and speak as if you are speaking for Him in full knowledge of His full power is beyond me. It is heresy!!!

I loved to worship God. That was my passion and my reason for living. You took that away from me by putting stumbling blocks in my way that turned my passion into confusion. You tried to manipulate my passion for worship toward service of you and your systems. What was once a joy became a pain that not only hurt me emotionally but had a real physical effect through undue stress and related affliction.

I have usurped the authority you tried to take over me. I broke the hold of control that you had on my mind, my heart, my decisions and my emotion. The anger that drives me now is not anger at you and your putrid past influence but an indignation of intolerance toward your continued efforts to deceive and control. While I have escaped there are many still who fall victim to your sick system and your seduction.

My departure may have no effect on you whatsoever, but to me it is everything. I don't want to live my life as a testament to the destructive nature of LFF. To turn from God and claim your past influence as a reason would be giving you far more satisfaction than you really deserve. No, I will live the rest of my life with a trust in God and God alone. Never again will I trust a church system to take any part of what should be between God and I. I will live for God with a renewed devotion that has no basis in anything I ever learned from you. Instead I will live as a complete opposite of what you stand for.