The Pressure Cooker
Contributed via e-mail...
If you've ever considered what life would be like under a microscope spend some time on the "leadership track" at LFF and you'll find out very quickly. The microscope, in my case, was always there, and created a pressure cooker under which even the strongest of people could only survive for so long. You may ask what that pressure cooker was comprised of. Consider having your skills, energy, ideas and time used on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis (for free mind you). You feel as though you finally start to break into something you feel called to do or just simply enjoy. But wait, not so fast. Isn't there something in your life holding you back? Yes, there must be some sin that requires a second look and prevents you from actually achieving the desires of your heart. Mistakes are used to control your every day. Mentally there is no escape, there is no relief from the pressure. Everywhere you look there are eyes watching you, ears listening, monitoring, keeping tabs. What kind of fruit is being produced? Did hands go up in worship? Is there enough dancing? How about speaking in tongues? Are they smiling? Reaching out? Are they "pressing in" to leadership? What kind of example are they setting? Oh, by the way, why are you behind in your bible reading and your spiritual notebook? It's not simply enough that you go to church on Sunday, and Wednesday, and Friday, and Saturday, but you must be available for additional service at the drop of a hat. I haven't even mentioned that you're struggling in keeping up with a full-time job and school/family. This is what my life was comprised of for years. This is to speak nothing of having any time for personal relationships or recreation of any kind. My recreation consisted of being available for projects for pastoral staff and the nonstop events that kept your mind and body occupied 24/7. It wasn't until I stepped back from the church, and broke free from the control, that I realized what true life could be like. Because I am a volitional being I understand that I am the one who chose to stay there as long as I did. Looking back I wish I was stronger and could see the incredible effect it had on my life and the lives of my family. I am thankful that my children will never understand the pain that I went through. I wish this experience on no one. I take full responsibility for buying into the sales tactics and lines that were fed to me, and am glad that now I can begin the rebuilding process. The struggle begins now, in real life, learning what a true relationship with Jesus Christ means. I now must find out what is real to me. I struggle walking into other churches and hearing the same lingo and seeing some of the same practices. I feel that every church is a sales platform, although I know it's not true. It is difficult for me to distinguish between sincerity and manipulation. As the pressure increases, the cooking temperature rises.
5 comments:
I have removed my family from the snares of LFF and have moved on experiencing “true life”. There is life outside of LFF and even Pullman. Leaving was the best decision I made for my family. I too struggle with going to a church and hearing the same lingo and practices that cause you to put up a red flag. It is hard to distinguish whether the red flag is coming from the Holy Spirit or your heart for not wanting to become victim of manipulation. Talking with friends and family (former LFF and never LFF) has helped in knowing what is common practice in a church setting. Praying and talking with my spouse also helps in finding answers. I know what I believe and know my God and that is all that really matters for each one of us.
I lived this life and worked at LFF - the pressure cooker was my job description and every word of this is true and more! For those of you who find it incredulous - it is true - every single word of it.
After more than four years, our family still struggles and we still get the criticism and "concern for our spiritual health" (aka: manipulation and gossip). We've been told by people still at LFF that we have abandoned the Holy Spirit, we're unhealthy, we need more deliverance (we got it that day we left LFF!). We get asked, are "we totally grounded in a church yet?", "don't we miss the ministry?", yada, yada, yada. NO! NO! NO! Remind me again why I would want to go back to that life? To their miserable life? I do indeed want to be sincerely honest before God and do what is best for our lives in HIS EYES. I could care less what they think anymore.
I struggle with trusting those who must come at you and right away make sure you know "they're a Christian". I think it was Elenor Roosevelt who said, "if you have to tell someone you are a Christian or a woman, you're not much of either". I love that! Why can't they just live the life of Christ and call it good - then this site would never have to be.
I have been told to "get over it", "it's water under the bridge", "you're being bitter",
...but I can't help but wonder... Is it really bitterness or is it wisdom to be cautious and make sure we can worship God unhindered by "memories" of the past? In the middle of worship and you get that "Oh, that reminds me of .." - that' not healthy to me.
We were able to find a church before our last move where we could be ourselves - no works, no pressure, no arm twisting, no comparison. Just simple love and grace in Jesus. It was like starting over and it was heaven on earth for us! After two years of trying, we found a Calvary Chapel that met in a warehouse area. Nothing fancy, but we found people who read their bible because they want to, who serve because they love to help and who love you for who you are. We were nervous at first because LFF leadership are very critical and suspect of Calvary. Well, when we read the book about their foundational doctrine, we knew by page 2 why! "Leadership should not be served, but be the servant of all", "Counting leads to pride - be careful of churches that count - growth is up to God". Those and many, many others clearly showed us why there was so much issue with Calvary. But it's not just Calvary specific. The things you have been taught about every other religious group probably needs to be challenged and reconsidered. Use the scripture only as your guide and see...maybe God will place you in a Lutheran Church and it's OK. You can be saved there too!
It is possible - keep looking! And from what I see, if you are still feeling the need to look, you probably need to. Maybe you need to look in places you have been taught "were not OK" previously. Bless you!
Not the Labors of my hands
Can fulfill thy laws demands
Could my zeal no respite know
Could my tears forever flow
All for sin could not atone
Thou must save and thou alone
Nothing in my hands I bring
Simply to thy cross I cling
Naked come to Thee for dress
Helpless look to thee for grace
Foul, I to the fountain fly
Wash me savior or I die.
-from Rock of Ages
Legalism will never get us into the kingdom of heaven; only the gift of grace from God. This great old hymn has helped me greatly.
LFF has caused me and my family more pain that I ever thought was possible, but this old hymn has been a big comfort for me. It has also helped me to figure out part of the ways in which LFF was wrong.
It's the Christian "catch phrases" that stop me cold. I have heard them used so many times by people who were living and preaching a lie that it makes my stomach churn just to hear them. Going to other churches is very difficult for me but I am learning how to live in the freedom that Jesus brings and not the condemnation and legalism that LFF is. Thank you for this place where I can find people like me who hurt but see hope in the bright, bright future.
pressure cooker, funny, I just used that to describe a situation the other day. interesting how once you have been in an environment that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand straight up, you are very aware of other situations that are similar or have the potential to get there. amazing how fast you can back peddle your way out. because once caught, you will do everything in your power to never "get caught" again.
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