I wrote this a few weeks ago after speaking with my former senior pastor after years of being away. You can post it if you want, perhaps someone will relate.
It was Saturday. The rain and the sun traded blows, each trying to establish dominance. But this battle was an afterthought, only an atmosphere with which to hold the ensuing battle. The real struggle was all mental and thus it took precedence in my troubled mind. Saturday's conflict was not as cut and dry as the classic skirmishes our society has afforded us. For, in this scene, the lines between good and evil, between right and wrong, between black and white were all blurred. Instead there was only a murky grey. Good was evil and evil was not definable.
Saturday was a flash back. But this was no mental snapshot, instead I was physically thrust into an all-too-real shadow of my haunting past. A past in which you lorded your authority over me; you were shepherd and I was sheep. A past that brings restless nights, empty days, and surprising moments of confusing agony. Time and its intrinsic healing ability have rounded off the edges and numbed the acuteness. Yet, there is no amount of time that will ever erase these scars. In a moment, I am undone. Time and all its power mean nothing. Clarity is lost and I am once again left to make black and white out of grey. Your presence has again muddied these waters.
Somehow, your delusions transcend everyone present, yet they baffle me. Will you ever see the world beyond your mind? The world in which you are wrong; the world in which the pain you inflict is visible not to me but to you? To me, this will never make sense. To you, there was never any sense to make. In grey you see black as white and wrong as right. Your pride holds your humility and your pleasure, pain. Your lies are infallible, to you, they are truth. Saturday is gone and my innocence is lost. Saturday is gone and your innocence is reassured. Somehow, someway, you win. You brought awareness to my pain. You forced me to assign words to your delusions. You confirmed my fears; your words still hurt. I told myself you could hurt me no more, but Saturday melted my defenses leaving me in speechless horror as they became water running through my hands.
5 comments:
I honestly don't know how to respond to this. It seems almost wrong to disturb the silence left by the conclusion of this post. You took me there, I know the pain, the questions, the agony you express. I too am gone but the scars remain. I try and avoid the anger, I try and forgive but I know that there are moments like the one you described ahead. I know that the healing I have been enjoying could be destroyed in a moment by the ignorance of those who caused the pain. And it makes me wonder; is it really ignorance or is it something more malicious? Do they know what they are doing, to you, to me, to all of us? Do they know and care not?
I am sure, with the way the rumor mill works there at LFF they know of this place. So what now? Have they seen the wrong they have done and apologized? I doubt it. As much as I would like to believe that, I fear they will remain silent. They will denounce your efforts as sin and steer those who remain from the truth that lies in the words posted here. And that, THE LIES, reminds me of the reason I left. God bless you all, the hosts of this place, it is making a difference. Though they who drove us all away will never acknowledge your presence, it means so much to all of us. Thank you and God bless your efforts.
No, no, they will never win, never come out on top, only within their small world can they salvage any sense of triumph. And that little world appears to be shrinking.
Read this. Pay attention to the language about the false son's, and the oppressing heresies...every onslought you have experienced is described in this poem. I say so with tears.
They will never triumph, and this is why:
The Church’s one foundation
Is Jesus Christ her Lord,
She is His new creation
By water and the Word.
From heaven He came and sought her
To be His holy bride;
With His own blood He bought her
And for her life He died.
She is from every nation,
Yet one o’er all the earth;
Her charter of salvation,
One Lord, one faith, one birth;
One holy Name she blesses,
Partakes one holy food,
And to one hope she presses,
With every grace endued.
The Church shall never perish!
Her dear Lord to defend,
To guide, sustain, and cherish,
Is with her to the end:
Though there be those who hate her,
And false sons in her pale,
Against or foe or traitor
She ever shall prevail.
Though with a scornful wonder
Men see her sore oppressed,
By schisms rent asunder,
By heresies distressed:
Yet saints their watch are keeping,
Their cry goes up, “How long?”
And soon the night of weeping
Shall be the morn of song!
’Mid toil and tribulation,
And tumult of her war,
She waits the consummation
Of peace forevermore;
Till, with the vision glorious,
Her longing eyes are blest,
And the great Church victorious
Shall be the Church at rest.
Yet she on earth hath union
With God the Three in One,
And mystic sweet communion
With those whose rest is won,
With all her sons and daughters
Who, by the Master’s hand
Led through the deathly waters,
Repose in Eden land.
O happy ones and holy!
Lord, give us grace that we
Like them, the meek and lowly,
On high may dwell with Thee:
There, past the border mountains,
Where in sweet vales the Bride
With Thee by living fountains
Forever shall abide!
Hi guys,
This is my first time reading & commenting on this site where you are all being so open & vulnerable (if I were to say so OHT would that sting? I don't want it to).
First I must say that the heading "LFF destroys lives" startled me. Not that lives have not or are not being slashed through the mud. I hurt a lot over the pain that so many, many people that have been such an integral part of my life have lived & are living. There has been real pain also in my life & those of my immediate family that hurts too- I'm not a joyful martyr.
My point it that LFF both gave life & took life.
I came to Pullman like most of you did as an 18-yr. old college student. Like many of you my life pre-LFF had not been "pleasant-ville". Emotional, psychological & physical abuse was apart of it. I had become a Christian as a young teen, made choices & lived a life that resembled more Mary Mag before she meet Jesus than after. I had been surrounded my whole life by Christians, many that professed Jesus on one hand, watched, supported, abused &/or lied to me on the other. In one of the 1st prophecies over my life at LFF Jesus shared my experience by telling me that He knew exactly how people who were called by His name had touched me. He said " you have known those who "say" that they are Christians but look to me". [Personal note on "say": I knew the point wasn't if they really were or were not Christians- they point was my focus].
I'm not saying I did or do look to Him, as I should. But this is still one of the most precious Words to me because I knew He knew my pain. What had those that had said that they loved Him done to Him? Was Judas really just trying to manipulate Jesus into becoming what he thought he should be? Did he intend the evil for good or the good for evil? I don't know. But God used it. And because of it I have relationship with Him now & for eternity.
I guess I am likening LFF to the same. I was shot down when I was hurting, told to "buck-up" & repent when my world was falling apart. When I was sick I was ALWAYS in trouble. Where was the one to pick me up & clean me up & love on me? Not there. When my greatest fear was to be alone- I was left all alone & chastised for being demanding. When I grieved - I grieved. I was hurt most when I was already wounded. Pushed aside when I had repented & returned longing to be touched. And as were you all, I was labeled. This person = This.
But Jesus never stopped loving me, longing to touch me & use His people to comfort me.
Now that I have agreed with the life that was taken from me let me share about the life that was given.
I know the Word of God. I rhema the Word of God. My foundations that were built on all else have been shaken & they have fallen (PAINFULLY)- but on the truth I can still stand. I do have strong foundations- they needed dusting off but they are there. I have solid bible training. More time in the Word then most Pastors. - Try & stand back & take the legalism out of the sayings, the checklists, the reports. As I actually saw that there had once been real life in the Catholic mass (after enough years away I actually heard what was said & because of all the years of teaching on the Word of God). - Somewhere in there I have found life.
Remember, we make legalism: what today is manna tomorrow is slime full of maggots. Let's try not to force feed ourselves or others yesterday's manna.
I know my God is true & every man a liar. People before LFF, people in & through LFF & people after LFF. None of them are different. Some mess with my head more (was it at age 13 or at 30) some for longer periods of time (was it the rape at 16 or the decades at LFF?). Some have truly loved me, many that did didn't know how. And many times I didn't know how to receive it.
Why does God allow such awful things? This is the #1 most asked question in my post LFF life. And it rarely has to do with LFF. Awful things are awful. They are not LFF, they are not the devastation in New Orleans or Pakistan. They are the child that crossed the street by my church & was hit by a car. Got up feeling bruised but ok- thank God it wasn't that bad. He later died of a massive internal hemorrhage. He had been adopted by a loving family, saved out of a life of poverty, & the orphanage. Where was God in that?
The good in the awful that has touched me? I can often find in a changed me.
Compassion - it's me taking on someone else's passion.
Having already hurt personally, often I can go into battle for those around me that are devastated & paralyzed by what they are in the midst of.
My head knowledge can be challenged but my heart knowledge cannot. What I have walked is mine. I minister out of a life that is not perfect. Believe it or not I learned this at LFF. Not by others example but by often by their lack of it. I minister out of a life that has been littered with pain. Pain that both caused me to jump into & to jump out of Jesus' lap. Today those near me know I struggle with depression. They know that when I enter into worship I go someplace else & Jesus ministers to my soul. They know I HAVE to lean on Him & that I don't have it all. They know that I mess up, that I can be hurtful. They also know my love. They see our Jesus is me- sometime they feel His hand in my touch, His voice in my heartcry.
At LFF I lived in community. Post LFF I live in an awful place called the real world. Where people freely smile in my face & stab me in the back. Where if I try to get real with someone they can't handle it. Where I continue to fail & NO ONE forgives me. It's the real world. It sucks (I hate that term but it fits). I live in a world of faces covered with masks. Not much has changed, yet a lot has.
Did people I trust mess with my head? Yep. And as long as I trust they will.
After living a few decades as a LFFer & now living many years post LFF I must say that the other most precious part of my life in & through LFF is YOU.
When was the last time I looked you in the eye & told you that I am grateful for you? I know I never said it enough- nor would I be able to even if I began now & continue through our dear Lords eternity. THANK YOU.
No, not thank you for hurting me, even when you were just trying to do the right thing or what you felt you were told to. Not for the many times that I hurt you. But THANK YOU for living with me, for the moments we touched, for the warmth & depth of the Jesus that is in you.
I know Jesus has been faithful to heal me A LOT. I also know that this week I have been struggling anew with despair. I know that He will one day take away all my tears. But for now I cry. I hurt. I hurt others. But I also love & am loved. I care- that in itself often hurts.
I pray that you all continue to find healing. It scars, but it will heal.
May you find what it is that your heart truly longs for - Jesus. Him pure.
Not through filthy human hands but also often through filthy human hands.
In Num. 22 God used an ass. In my life He has used many & at times I am that one which He uses.
Jesus Bless you as only He can.
Thanks for listening. Did I mention that is something else I miss? - your listening.
the above item started Hi guys- is not a comment to this item but rather something I would appreciate if you would post.
Thanks
Thank you. We will get it up as a post in the next few days. In the future, if you have something that is not a comment but a post you can just send it to the e-mail address given on the site. We will protect your identity in posting it for you. Again, thanks for the input, we will try and post it this week.
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