Freedom
Where is the freedom we were supposed to have in Christ? Where is the joy, the love, the peace that passes all understanding? Instead, within the walls of LFF, so many people were trapped, slaves to acceptance, rules of holiness, and "the servant's heart." God is not the author of confusion and yet confusion has been one of the predominant fruits in the lives of those who attended Living Faith Fellowship. The e-mails we have received attest to this. They attest to the hurt, the inability to trust, and the chaos brought on by the tirades of shepherds. We came for clarity and left confused.
And then came this place, a place to name one's pain; a place to help free people from the guilt they should never have felt. A guilt that was heaped on them for feeling wronged. The fact is people were wronged. Yet the teachings of LFF have conditioned the hurting to feel as if they are sinning for acknowledging that pain. Since when did someone have the audacity to label pain as sin, and questions as a critical spirit?
This is not a pity party or a place to foster bitterness. Yet, those who have never felt this pain or who have caused these hurts would say otherwise. That is simply not true. This is a place in which you can be free. Free to acknowledge the pain, free to name that hurt, free to cry, and free to let go. Though scars remain, in time the pain diminishes.
We are glad people have been able to see that they were wronged. Many have carried these wounds rooted in confusion for far too long and it has crippled them. Yet, that which happened to you is not your fault; don't let anyone place their own sins on your head.
There is freedom and love and acceptance in Him. This comes freely and you can do nothing to earn it. It is unconditional, never contingent on your service or level of commitment. Know His love in its beauty and let no man take that from you. His healing is as real as your pain. There is no point in waiting for those who have wronged you to seek your forgiveness or even admit they failed. That may never happen and it matters not.
Thank you for the e-mails of encouragement, for the dialogue through comments and most of all for your support. We never thought this site would have such an impact. The site continues to see increasing traffic. In the last week alone, we have seen over 1,200 unique visitors. Truly, something good has and will continue to come of this. God bless you all and know His healing.
4 comments:
I don't know how you all find healing. Really, it's great that you do. But it's not so easy for everyone.
I myself have chosen indifference. I choose to not face the emotions and just put them away. Really, I now have no desire to go to any church. Yes, I do value friendship with God, but I struggle with understanding how He could let these pastors at LFF do so much wrong in His name. That kills me. I thought I could hear from God--His still small voice that I used to be able to guide my life with. But my days at LFF ruined that. I cannot hear God anymore-its all confusion. Why? All the times the leaders at LFF told me that what I heard from God was not accurate. The times they said that "God told them otherwise, and for me to proceed without their blessing would be sin." I don't know what I hear. It's a jumbled mess of confusion. Sometimes I think I hear some direction, but then I hear the still small voice on my other shoulder of some LFF person berating me for my "spiritual immiturity" and I lose it. I can't make THAT voice go away.
When I try to live for Christ it is so frustrating it brings me to tears. I can't do it without the scars from LFF being torn wide open. They hurt and I end up so confused. I don't know how to deal with it so I just shove my feelings. I avoid things having to do with Faith because that's the only way I know to deal with it. At least having the thoughts out of my mind I don't feel the pain.
How can you forgive? I have no desire to do so. Sure the Bible says to...but the Bible is paper and leather...it hasn't ever been in my situation so I have a hard time beliving that it even applies. Who do I blame? I blame the current head pastors of the church and the campus pastor the most. They screwed with my head so much, all in the name of their little games. They tried so hard to get me in their system. I was one who could bring several other people along with me, so they tried very hard to rein me in. I was with them for awhile, but through it my heart for Christ was broken so badly I don't even want to try to pick up the pieces. I blame them. I have no idea how to forgive them, and am filled with scorn towards anyone who has the audacity to suppose I should just up and forgive them.
I don't blame myself. I was doing what I honestly thought was right. But because of that-my honest, pure intentions that left me ripe for manipulation-because of that I can't seem to forgive. They stole a lot of my life in college. They stole my heart out of my chest. Broke up my relationship with my first love Jesus and my second love who they said was not appropriate for someone of my spiritual potential. They said to pursue that relationship I would be unequally yoked. I may have missed the ONE for me.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't want anything to do with a church. I don't trust pastors, and I never will again. I see parts of LFF in every church I have ever tried since, and that scares the hell out of me.
My life without church and without christian friends seems to be going just fine. I have no problems, few worries, and don't have to deal with the pain and the scars from that infernal church on the hill in pullman. But deep down I know that I am missing God's best for my life and I don't know how to find it. I feel like it was stolen from me in my days in pullman. I feel like it's too late, and what could have been God's best for my life is now another trophy on vance's mantle.
I haven't been able to make it through a praise and worship experience without tearing up and having to leave. That was my favorite thing, and it was the biggest pawn that was used at LFF to manipulate me. It was what I lived for, and now it seems to be the death of me. What a legacy you have created, Joe and Kari.
I am sorry that my comment here is so negative, but I hope you see from it that not everyone finds the healing that is so trivially purported. Not everyone has been able to find a church and move on. I suppose there may be others like me, and in that I find a meager amount of solace. I wish there were none of us. Most of all I wish I could go back and erase what has been done. To go back in time to the moments that mattered most, and stand up to the people at LFF and tell them they were wrong. To look them in the eye and defy the manipulation and control with strength I found in my own integrity. But I know that will never be. What is done is done, and I live with the regret.
I only have two wishes now. One to be able to forget--I have no desire to forgive. And two, that no one else would have to be like me. You see, this is continuing to happen, and every day there become more people hurt by this place, some in big ways and others in small. And it is SO EVIL AND WRONG!!! I write with tears streaming down my face, thinking of myself, but even more of some of my old friends who are still there. People who HAD so much potential who have wasted it on such a shallow existance that is LFF. People unknowingly wrecked by a regime who doesn't even care for them. And that kills me. Why doesn't someone stop it? Why doesn't GOD stop it? I don't understand.
I so relate to what you're saying that it brings tears to MY eyes. I know anything anyone says at this point will sound trite to you, I have been, and am still mostly at where you are. I have been gone from LFF for 3 years, yet still, I hear the "little voices" on my shoulder. I cannot attend ANY other church without the reminder.
I just want to say one thing. Through it all, I still believe one thing. God's speciality is in the impossible, the most difficult, the most heart wrenching, the most painful...
I have to believe that He is capable of miraculous healing, even if I don't feel like it now. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing, and that He will work even the most rotten things out for His good in my life.
If I don't have that, what else is there?
Hold on
Someone out here is praying for you!
I too have been and often am exactly where you are. I have been one that has talked of healing before and I don't mean it tritely or that it comes easily. I think it's very elusive, as I would wish healing would mean "erasal" - God knows I have wished I were never saved at LFF and could start over from here!
Some healing has come, but I don't trust like I used to and never will. Especially worship - I am with you. My very heart's cry was to live to worship and God gave me certain gifts that were manipulated and squished and ruined by the two you speak of. I spent years and years giving what I could only to be told time and time again "you're not a part" because of the insecurities of those in charge and the unwillingness of the pastors - past and present - to really allow God to be charge. Now after years and years - I can hardly open my mouth to do what I love most - I resent the music that reminds me of LFF, but speaks of my God. It's a sad contradiction - the very thing that would bring me closer is what makes my stomach turn. I can not participate without the voices, the looks, the meetings, the faces coming to mind.
Now I am in a situation again where my "boss" is a self-confessed and (imposing on everyone) Christian and yet lives a life that is full of lies, sin and manipulation of the truth. Been there, done that. Daily I ask God how to ever trust his church again. And, before someone out there jumps and tells me "christians aren't perfect", my response to you is, "no kidding." I don't expect perfect - only honest and humble. LFF has none in leadership - past or present.
All you commenters to this post, I hear you. I have been struggling with my commitment to various churches in the years since I left LFF. Two things are helping me these days. The first is a verse, somewhere in the NT I think, maybe not, but, we used to sing it in the "old days" - Let God be true and every man a liar. God is always true. That bitty rock of seed faith has helped me thru lots of rough spots.
The second concept that helps me is that God is eternal, He has all the time He needs to make things right, better, bearable, whatever, and to do all He intends to do in my life. He is our redeemer.
I've been away for almost a decade, and my LFF past still stings, and LFF voices cause me confusion still. But, they dim after a while, and it becomes easier to ignore them. God is still there, still loves us with an everlasting love. He waits, and we wait, and healing will come.
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