lost

It hurt. But I needed you so I cried alone, held my breath and my tears…hoping you would never see my pain. I was too small to fight back, too innocent to know how. In time I learned not to fight back. Fighting only made it worse. You crushed my screams, robbed my innocence, and left me guilty for wanting you to stop.

I lie awake begging a voice I once heard to speak to me again with the clarity that my innocence once lent it. But you took my innocence and ignored my pleas. The bruises have faded and the wounds have healed but I can’t hide the scars you left. I can’t escape the haunting of your injustice.

If you have a heart, any at all, give back what you stole…my ability to trust. I would close my eyes tight and live through it all again if only, maybe just for a day, I could have that back.

Answer to "leadership?" below

LFF is a church FOR insecure people, pastored BY insecure people. The pastors are themselves highly insecure people who have created a system that creates for themselves a sense of self-worth. The people that fall into this system are very insecure, and find security and fulfillment from what small amount of approval they may obtain from the pastors.

At LFF, the pastors rarely give encouragement to their followers for all the time and effort they put in serving the pastors and their system that is LFF. So, these insecure followers learn not to expect much, and so when the pastors give a small amount of encouragement, be it a kind word, or a moment of time, or a note written on a slip of paper from a giant mass-produced pad that says "baba loves you" (or something like that), the followers are beside themselves with joy. This is the psychological principle of "reinforcement," and it's been working on lab rats for decades. If you don't believe me, study it for yourself. The LFF leadership, whether knowingly or not, are using the same principles to keep themselves surrounded by all these insecure people, the same ones you ask about in your question.

That is why the LFF attendees who learn to think for themselves, and dare to ask questions of the leadership, are so blatantly ostracized. Thinking for yourself does not work well in the LFF system, as I learned firsthand. As long as I acted as a mindless robot and went along with the system, I didn't encounter much trouble at all. Of course I didn't grow at all in Christ, and had very little to show for my life. But the day that God shook my mind and I knew I had become a part of a total crock, everything changed. While I went through turmoil at first having to deal with the manipulations the LFF leadership threw in my way to ruin my epiphany, in time I was so happy to just know that I was no longer a puppet of the system or a mindless insecure follower of an insecure leader.

If you are looking for a church where you don't wish to think for yourself, and you are insecure and want to find a small amount of fulfillment in a system made to use you for leadership's benefit, LFF could be the church for you. If not, at least consider yourself warned.

leadership?

Leadership is clearly defined by service. Jesus Christ once said, “He that would be the greatest among you must be the servant of all.” A leader then should be one who acts out of service for the needs of others around them. But the degeneration of leadership directly leads to a state of despotism based on a need for personal gain rather than a love for others. I have personally experienced this coercive and absolute form of leadership at LFF. A true leader that is a servant has the heart of love and care that God has for all people and incontestably demonstrates this – yet this love was never found.

But a leader does more than serve. A leader is a person of influence.

A leader must have the ability to energize and persuade those whom they lead. By this I do not mean that a leader is one who can efficiently propagandize those around them – creating puppets of their grand system -- but I am talking about someone whom people take a sharp notice to their words and actions, and follow the example before them. One who possesses this ability not only has the opportunity to choose how they will influence others but it is their responsibility to follow through according to Christ’s example. A good leader is someone who recognizes that they have influence, embraces that ability, and carefully chooses how they will lead others.

At LFF, such a leader is nowhere to be found. Of course this may come as a shock seeing as “leadership” and “oversight” are a dime a dozen these days. In fact, at one point there were over 20 people at LFF with the title “pastor” before their first name. 20 pastors for a church of 500 – that’s ludicrous!

Please discuss what went wrong here. Where did the oversight and leadership become so vile and wicked? When did LFF lose sight of its true purpose as an institution? And why did the people of LFF hand over so much power and control to their abusive “papa and baba?”

Please share your thoughts – I am all ears.

LFF has a FILE on YOU

Truth about Living Faith Fellowship's File Systems:

If you have ever attended Living Faith Fellowship, they have a file on you. The leadership has always tried to avoid answering such allegations about filing systems, as denying their existence would be an outright lie (not that lying bothers them). I first saw the file system while volunteering by vacuuming rooms at the church. I was vacuuming a room in the old brown church, which houses the PCS grade school, Bible 'college' and other miscellaneous offices. In the back of the room numbered 111, there is a closet which to my knowledge is always kept locked. For some reason on this day it was not.

I opened the door, curious as to what I would find. In front of me were many file cabinets. I opened one to find rows of files, all arranged alphabetically. Every file was on a different person, couple or family. Every file had a picture paper-clipped to the front. You see, when you first attend LFF they enrol you in a class called Going for the Gold, and snap your picture. While attendees assume that the picture just goes up on the wall, in fact it becomes a part of the permanent LFF file system, identifying the stuff in the files with you.

I was horrified, but it got worse when I actually looked in the files. In each person's file were stacks of reports from different levels of leadership. The Going for the Gold guides who helped people in the introductory studies wrote reports. The Small Group Leaders wrote reports. The Congregational Care Leaders wrote reports. The pastors wrote reports. Every report was on different forms that were distributed to these people for report-writing. And every report had initials or signatures of the higher level leadership and pastors that had read and reviewed them.

The reports I just discussed were cutthroat. They discussed the intimate details and secrets of the peoples' lives. Tales of marital disputes. Tales of problems with children. Discriptions of couples' aspirations to have children and the problems they had. Disscussions of childrens struggles in school and the disciplines suggested to parents. In the few minutes I saw what was in the files I was horrified. They were not censored and did not spare the people the privacy they probably assumed. Discussions and conversations that they had with their guides and immediate level leadership that they probably assumed were in confidence were regurgitated on paper for others. If the people knew their conversations were to be repeated, they would probably not have opened up. These reports were quite frankly a gossip chain which sent information all the way up the leadership structure to the head pastors, if necessary. Things in the reports were highlighted by the reviewing leadership, and highlighted items were sent higher. Info that was crucial or particularly sensitive were passed to the top.

My horror and what I saw was all brought home when I found my own file. In the file was a lot of information that I didn't even know about myself. There was my complete demographic info from the sign-up sheet for the Going for the Gold class. There was my picture, which looked more like a mug shot or passport photo, taken portrait style like all the rest with a light background for easy identification. There were reports of my "bad attitudes" and different "spirits" that I displayed when being corrected or chastised by leadership. The most eye-opening form of all was the one that described the first day I ever attended LFF. It was a form that is filled out by all of the section greeters at LFF. Every section during a service is covered by a couple that is supposed to greet the new people and then report on who came. The report on me told in detail the exact clothes I was wearing, along with the exact descriptions of the people with me. It told where I was from, why I was in town, and had a description of my thoughts on the service. It then had a spot where follow-up was assigned to a different LFF member who was supposed to check up on me.

Why all these forms are neccessary for LFF I do not know. Why they need to know all the intimate details of their members' lives I do not know. Some of these forms had information that was outdated and unnecessary. Many of the files were on people who had not attended church in years or more than a decade. However, their information and photos were still kept. I was disturbed by the audacity of the church to keep such records on their members, but I kept silent about them. In my opinion it is something that everyone who attends LFF should be informed about, and all of the records should be made public. I think there would be hell to pay if many of the members found out what was written about them and how their private concerns were spread around LFF leadership.

In recent years, I know that Living Faith has tried to move their file system to electronic records. Every saturday morning during the service crews that are required for members, there is a crew of people who have been LFF members for a very long time that are on "data entry crew." This crew spends their time working on the LFF database and entering data into it. The size of the database must be astronomical, simply due to the amount of time that has been spent working on it. In the files are many of the secrets of the members, but the files themselves are one of the biggest secrets of the church itself. I dare say that if the extent of the system were made public, the church membership outcry could be crippling. The electronic system eliminates the large concern of the paper trail the hard files created.

The descriptions above are not imagination or fantasy. They are the truth about file systems at LFF.

Ready join!!!

7:30 am saturday morning.
Get up dammit, your gonna be late for crew... don't you want to serve God, cleaning the church's obese property holdings... you better be there on time, if you late just a minute, they'll sit you down and give your heart of service a chewing... if you dont show up it will be documented and passed around the leadership, so they'll know who is not serving God... its only a five hour ordeal, if you want to, you can stay longer and try to brown nose your way in to leadership, but for now you better eat the spaghetti and suck down that funny jello with the white foamy skin cuz you don't know if your gonna be able to eat the rest of the day... oh, by the way ignore your family, cause undo hardship, make life hard on them, don't go fishing with your son or teach your little girl how to ride a bike... after we're through with you, you got plenty of daylight left, oh don't worry about what your gonna do with that, you still have to ride your kids asses on their bible training hour, your 9-year-old hasn't memorized her passage of psalms, which is required by her other wise sub-standard school, when your through beating that horse, the sun is long over the hill, and you have sunday to worry about... sleep on that.

Falling out

I have a question about a practice at Living Faith Fellowship aka LFF. No, its not a practice that is unique to LFF, but to many churches of the same sort. LFF seems to take everything beyond extremes but thats not really what im questioning here.

Some charismatic churches from time to time have people get prayed for and they "fall out" as most churches call it. LFF called it getting "slain in the spirit" -- whatever that means. Typically at LFF there would be some sort of visiting preacher in town, and the pastors would sit around while he preached, and chuckle and patronize the guy. When he was done, they would announce that people who needed prayer should receive it from this visiting pastor.

You must understand something about LFF. When any "spiritual experience" was announced at LFF, or an alter call was made that could somehow include you, you pretty much had to respond. If you did not, you weren't one of the "passionate ones." Why one would care to be one of these "passionate ones" I do not now understand, but its all part of the mindwarp that happens to you if you go to church there.

So LFF ushers (yah the ones that are said to have guns) would like people up, and the preacher would walk along and pray for people, and they would "fall out." Literally, they would fall down as if asleep and ushers would catch them and lay them down. Ladies would be covered by a small sheet to prevent people from looking up their skirts.

Well, I have been a part of this "falling out" experience many times. Probably between 10 and 20 times in my life. When it happens supposedly you're just knocked out or something. Like something, some power, pushes you down. That's what your told is supposed to happen.

Most of the time, the preachers push you. Or they make you raise your hands so your center of gravity is higher, and then slowly push on your forehead while your eyes are closed so you gradually lose your balance. The pastor at the Calvary church across the street would actually throw you down.

I have never "fallen out" because of some external influence. I always did it on my own because that's what everyone else did. I wasn't gonna be the only one in a long line of people that didn't go over. Once I did refuse to fall, and later I was rebuked by LFF leadership because I wasn't "open to the spirit." Mostly, I am just curious, and would love for folks to comment. Has anyone actually had a "fall out" experience at LFF where they just didn't fall over to appease leadership or to not stand out? Did anyone actually get "slain in the spirit" by a Spirit?

another disregarded letter

To Vances,

Regretfully and painfully, we are separating ourselves officially from Living Faith Fellowship. This letter releases you from any responsibility related to pastoring our family. We are not writing this in a malicious manner, but feel we must be honest before God in what follows in this letter.

In short, our trust in your pastorship has been shattered. We have lost confidence in your ability to lead this congregation or manage the responsibilities that come with that pastorship. We have addressed and voiced our concerns both with you and with advisory board members. These concerns have also been voiced corporately by others, in many meetings over the past several years.

We feel that your responses to those concerns were not honest or adequate. We are not requiring or asking for change on your part, but for us it would be a complete lack of integrity to continue to support your leadership.

Since you have mentioned many times how the investment you have in people is not being recognized or given back, we want to clarify that our departure is not a result of “disgruntled”, “dissenting”, or ungrateful hearts. We acknowledge the abundant goodness of God in our lives and the work He has done through the years (here at LFF and before). We look forward to and seek His continued guidance, blessing and purpose throughout our lives. We also note that His work has, and always will be based on hearts that are hungry for Him.

This is an important distinction; He responds to the hearts of men not the workings of any church. Know that any investment you made in us on His behalf will not be poorly spent. He will accomplish His purposes and we plan to be a part of that.

We are not going to repeat the list of specific concerns in this letter. We have addressed many of them with you directly, over the years. Your response on many occasions has been an initial willingness to work things through and ask forgiveness, but then explain why we were wrong to have been hurt, burdened, confused or offended.

On other occasions we have been left without answers and required to trust you in the midst of our confusion or pain. Our concerns no longer lie in any specific incident(s) but in the established pattern of your leadership and your choices.

Please understand that this letter is not written without empathy for your situation. The deepest confusion in making this decision to leave is that we are so full of compassion towards you and especially our church family.

Yet our conscience and discernment in God must be constantly suppressed if we are to remain supportive and loyal. Jesus has shown us that it is possible to have the fullest feelings of love, empathy, grace and forgiveness towards a person or situation and yet not like, sympathize or support them. He loves everyone, understands what makes them who they are today, and He readily extends grace and forgiveness even when they don’t know what they’ve done.

But that does not mean He likes what they do, feels sorry for them, or displays unconditional support to their situation. Like Him, we can have deeply conflicting emotions co-existing in our souls.

Sympathy for your situation, although understandable, is a distraction from the issues that still linger. You are not victims. Not of the founding pastors. Not of the members of this church (past or present). Not of the financial situation. You are the leaders. You have made choices free from or against the counsel of others or the affirmation of this congregation.

You have not been forthcoming about these decisions. You put members in a position where they must corner you with just the right question to find out about decisions you should have fully disclosed to the congregation. Just like we have been volitional all these years, so have you. Sadly, you will carry the weight of those choices without the support you once had from this congregation.

We know there is no perfect church with perfect doctrine or perfect relationships. We are more aware than any of how imperfect we ourselves are. We do, however, desire a church experience where we are not always questioning the integrity of the leadership, both past and present. It should be known that we feel that the Bardens have at least an equal responsibility in this matter. Your commitment to honor them as parents and as the founding pastors has forced you to compromise the trust and care of this congregation.

We are convinced too, that God’s heart is not for us to be continually overcoming stumbling stones that have been thrown in our path. We have tried to take responsibility for them, we have tried to rationalize them away, we have tried to move them out of our way, we have tried to carry them, we have repented of them, we have tried to ignore them, we have tried to overcome them with more commitment, loyalty and sacrifice. We have begged God to change our hearts, give us strength, help us cover in love these things that shred our souls. We have tried to become better communicators; more honest, thorough, detailed, warm, approachable, direct, etc. We have sought God deliberately and continually for the past several years about these growing concerns in our heart.


We now believe He has instead released us to go a different direction. We are done stumbling over the issues that are embedded in the very make-up of Living Faith Fellowship.

We have a great hope in Christ our Lord and Savior for our lives, our family and His Church. May God grant you understanding.

more thoughts

Emotions of weakness were trophies to the ones who perpetrated these crimes. They would wait, sometimes silently, sometimes faces florid from yelling, but they would wait. It never seemed abnormal to have someone take delight in the mistakes we made; this is how it had always been. Eventually we would mess up and they would gloat.

They would chastise trivial indiscretions but never in the way one might expect. To them failure was a moment of glee, rubbed in faces, celebrated sadistically. Our weakness was their vindication. They would joy in our faults, we would not question this. Questions were mistakes in and of themselves. To doubt was weakness, never tolerated.

Our struggles, our doubts, our thoughts of dissention, were always snuffed. There was never hope, never even a flicker. They were forever above us, they had trapped us in a flawless system designed to protect the elite. In moments of frustration, moments of delusion, in brief moments of fleeting sanity we envied them. We wanted to be what we hated. Was this the only way? Must we bow to their oppression?

Escape was not an option. This was our lot, our fate. We would bend but never break. They stripped our innocence, jaded our perceptions, and spat on our truth. We never wanted to believe. Yet, in an unexpected instant of clarity we became the wiser. The naivety of youth had passed and the floodgates of doubt were opened. Questions became realities, our fears were fact. Nevertheless, they denied incessantly, they will always deny it. Their violations are nonexistent, they are infallible.

This will never be understood. To the casual observer, it is nonsense; answers bring questions. To us, questions bring indifference. To them, there are no questions, their own chicanery is absolute.

The Cult

Cult (kult) n. [ latin cultus, care, cultivation ] 1. a system of religious worship or ritual 2. devoted attachment to a person, principle, etc. 3. a sect

The cult in question has denied the accusation for as long as I remember. The first time I remember it being brought up was on a Wednesday night in 1994. After the evening service at the cult, a meeting was called by cult leadership for all those in the high school system. That included me, and I made my way downstairs to the gym where a large circle was forming. I found a gap in the circle, and waited for someone to tell us why we were there.

About that time Sherri Barden, the cult leader’s wife, showed up. She was in tears and was being comforted by vice-pastor Kevin. She was distraught over the fact that “people on the outside” were calling LFF a cult. She asked for us to get together and “pray” against these people and this “attack of the spirit” which was meant to destroy the cult.

I was certainly an impressionable teenager, and my own religious indignation was inflamed by her reports. I couldn’t believe that someone would dare to speak against a place like LFF. I had been taught, and thus I believed, that there was no better church in the entire world than LFF. Why someone could be so confused I had no idea.

And so I prayed. I remember praying a loud and angry prayer, much like those of the passionate people of the cult. The louder and more agitated I got in my prayer, the more acclaim I could expect to receive from those listening. I had determined long ago to set myself apart as a “man of passion,” who was more “spiritual” than everyone else. And so I prayed.

They told us that a “cult is something easy to get in to, but tough to get out, where LFF is tough to get in to, but easy to get out.” If only that were the truth. If LFF were so tough to get into, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten stuck there in the first place. And easy to get out??? Walking out of the front door doesn’t equate to “getting out.”

You are now entering the mission field. <-- sign by door as you leave. I am still trying to get out of that damn place. It won’t let me go. No, there is no human chasing me with a gun, but my conscience and my memory haunts me. I can’t get away. I can’t help that every time I go to a church and hear some religious buzz-term, I remember where I heard it first and get soooo angry. I so wish it were easy to get out. No, former members of LFF and those who grew up there carry it with them for the rest of their lives. It is a spiritual handicap, one not to be ignored, and one which I do not believe God will forget.

some thoughts

i cannot seem to shake my past no matter how hard i try. it is like a sore in my mouth that i can't stop licking but it is that very action that prevents the healing. in my head i keep saying, “stop licking, your making it worse.” but alas, to no avail. still i am saying nothing, my thoughts have not yet been written....i can't shake the ghost of pullman's infamous self-worshipping church. it plagues me in the moments i least expect it, it interferes with many an interaction and comes up in too many conversations. kudos to those of you who have managed to escape the death grip this place still hold over my mind. for some reason, i cannot leave this confusion...sure there was good but it is not the good the good that leaves the bad taste in my mouth and thus it garners very little of my attention.

the whole concept of this "church" is still too much for me to understand. how does a place that perpetually abuses its members stay around. so many beautiful marraiges, certain successes, and happy families have been sacrificed on the proverbial altar of this place. and for what gain? bring us your tired, your hungry, your humbled masses; and we will manipulate them, exploit them, and when they become wise to our violation we will ostracize them. yes, that which they told us in trust we will broadcast to our members as a deterrent; publicly disgracing person after person. please bear with me as i try to put this entire scheme in plain english and i welcome your thoughts and corrections to my interpretation.

lff is some twisted monarchy that rules with an iron fist. somehow people get sucked in (by the conditional friendship of the evangelism department). “come to church, and i will be your best friend.” that is until i am sure you are going nowhere, then kiss our friendship goodbye. "fake" would be the most fitting word. its all a sham, people pretend to care and that is just where the pretending starts. isn’t Christianity about truth? how about this for truth.

would you like to come to church…here is the fine print. you need to give roughly a quarter of your gross monthly income to us, yes you heard right a quarter after all we need to pay our founding pastor $140,000 a year because yachts, gaudy rings, and water front property don’t come a dime a dozen these days. well we actually don’t pay him that anymore, we just had to buy him out to rid ourselves of his ludicrous financial burden. we also need you to pull your weight around here. this may include, but is not limited to, weeding, sweeping, cooking, cleaning, babysitting… oh wait, we forgot to tell you we need you to do all this at our church and our house. since we are the pastors and very busy with our meddling we expect you to, clean our home, raise our kids, fix our cars and yes, fold our underwear. and to thank you we will tell you how to run your life, because you are obviously incompetent and we, in our non-underwear-folding superiority know best.

how can people be so blind to the double standards and the utter fakeness of this elaborate counterfeit, the lies, the control, and the nepotism? and how does the blindness of the offending parties continue even after their loyalist of followers leave. people vote with their feet and even the dimmest people can conclude, lff is an abusive controlling place. it is said over and over as members finally muster the will power to escape, yet, the remaining parties see their departure as treason and discount everything they say. and it is said again and again, for years now countless people have pointed out the same flaws to deaf ears. it is so painfully obvious it is a wonder lff has not seen their flaws and changed. they are the only commonality in the destruction of hundreds, yet never once have they admitted they caused these people their problems. inability to take criticism, as small as at may be, is a serious flaw and the senior pastor’s wife is passing this flaw onto all who surround her. i can only conclude that the current leadership is one of three things; incompetently ignorant, deceived and thus incompetent, or acting out of plain malicious intentions and thus incompetent. sure they apologize, and then they do they same thing. it is like continually hitting someone, apologizing after each blow landed, only to proceed with your next blow.

i am puzzled to say the least…i cannot quite place my feelings. anger? no. but i have not yet become indifferent and that is the problem. how does something like this continue to exist? how do these people delude themselves into thinking they are part of the solution? how can I put this all behind me?

a letter written but disregarded

To the Living Faith Fellowship Pastoral Staff:

I am writing today regarding the overlooked state of the union. It is my desire to be the voice of reason, to communicate the thoughts, frustrations, and opinions of the unrepresented and recently silenced masses. I apologize if it seems like I am stating the obvious, though if any of this is apparent, my concerns become even more momentous. Please bear with me as I struggle to find a place to begin.

It seems to me that the concerns and grievances of members here are being swept under the rug. Instead of addressing the hurt and confusion of members, a quick apology is offered up, followed by a serious lack of action. Once the apology is offered, the conscience of the offenders is cleared, while the damaged sheep is left with unanswered questions and a world of confusion. The member patiently waits for resolution to their concern, hoping for some small consolation in the imminent change they assumed would occur. However, there is no action, and in the lack of regard for whatever the concern, the original hurt is magnified like salt in a deepening wound. In an attempt to overcome this mounting pain; the member retreats ever-so-slightly looking for a broader perspective. This endeavor for a greater understanding of the issue at hand is quickly judged as rebellion and the member is seen as a “fringy sinner”.

As judgment is passed on the wounded party, things begin to escalate. Now not only is the member hurt and confused, they begin feel to the scorn of those they were hurt by. Just when it looks like this all-to-common scenario is has reached its’ impending climax; things take a drastic turn for the worse. Finally, after a seemingly eternal period of waiting and hurt the offended party once again seeks resolution to their problem. This time when they bring their problem to their leadership the events unfold in a very unusual way. Instead of apologizing and promising change a suggestion is made. “This is our church, if you don’t like the way we are running it, find another church.” What!? I am still struggling to figure out when and why any Christian with a basic understanding of the Bible would offer this as a solution.

It is mind boggling to me that a suggestion of abandonment would ever enter into the minds of those I am trusting to lead me. Now, not only is this a thought, it has actually been converted to speech; to advice that can easily be perceived by those receiving it as the “representative voice of God”. What is even more troubling is that this advice is being given to people who have as much, if not more invested here than those suggesting it. I fail to see the logic of this suggestion. Instead of working towards a solution, abdication is recommended; resembling water flowing down hill, the path of least resistance is chosen. Since when did the Bible ever suggest disagreement be resolved through desertion?

Okay, so perhaps a problem can be seen here and maybe it has. So what is the solution? Well the resolution of this lies in confrontation of the issues, and no matter how traumatizing, even though we hate it, change. Obvious? Yes. However, we have come up with something far more intelligent. Instead of changing our flawed actions, we have created a superior solution. Maybe through hours of thought, or possibly by some random whim or revelation, we produced “the covenant member”. Genius! Now we no longer are forced to offer the suggestion of abandonment to the confused, we have silenced them.

Through our newest creation we have opened up an overabundance of opportunities. Now we can preach blind faith, we can teach our members to forsake their own identities in order to seek belonging in a system that has turned its back on them. The only voice that can be uttered is the voice of agreement. Unfortunately, though it hurts, this is destined in failure. Not only have we created “the covenant member”, we have also created an environment that encourages uniformity. Though some would argue this is what Christ intended, have you ever seen an identical snowflake, or person for that matter. In our uniqueness, we express our creator, instead of blanket uniformity; He made each one of us different. So why do we try and contradict this? What benefit is there in urging our members to forsake that which they feel they hear from God? Instead, we ask them to subscribe only to our own ideals on God’s plan for just about everything. Disagree and you are forsaking your duty as a covenant member.

I hate to say it, but if we continue the policy of, shut up or leave, our ability to follow God’s direction for this church will become increasingly impaired. Sure it would be nice to have armor bearers, people who mindlessly follow their oversight, but how many more lives will we destroy on the way to this irrational goal. Once everyone is of one mind, once all balance has been removed from the equation, there is nothing standing between us and our demise.

A wise man (Solomon perhaps) once said there is safety in the council of many, and yet I feel this statement loses its validity if the council of many is the repetition of the thoughts of one. There is no longer a need for people to think for themselves; instead we have created a better system. Unfortunately, this is seriously flawed; control of the mind is a right that is reserved for God alone. This is a dangerous place to be and we seem to be making large strides further into this realm.

Not only have we silenced those we are responsible for, important decisions are being made without seeking the thoughts of anyone that might possibly disagree. People that have been chosen as key advisors, as the voice of wisdom, are left out of the loop. Policies that affect the entire congregation, and protect only the very top, are formed behind closed doors without the involvement of council. Forgive me if I am failing to see how this agrees with there being wisdom in the council of many. This brings to mind another Biblical example; perhaps you may remember the story of Solomon’s son. As you may recall, forsaking the involvement of wise council had some very serious consequences

It seems to me that those who do not readily agree are written off as problems. Instead we have opted for those who reinforce all that we say, whether or not there is anything right about it. Members that mindlessly follow are chosen for positions of leadership and this philosophy is reinforced. We are in danger of creating a church lead by a team of yes-men. I fail to see the benefit in this; there have already been victims of this system. If an example does not come to mind, let me help. Though I was not directly involved here I am still trying to see any logic involved and I am doing my best to clean up the glaring failures of our team. I hope the following opens our eyes to the discrepancies that resemble this in countless situations like the one chosen for illustration.

For several years now the CCF band has been made up of several core members. There were minor changes from semester to semester based mostly on perceived spirituality. Other decisions were made based on unsubstantiated rumors that were never taken to the parties in question. Instead these rumors were instantly believed, people with twenty plus years here were not even given a chance to defend themselves. We were even so bold as to question the Christianity of one member. Okay, so maybe these guys did not deserve our trust, I mean twenty years isn’t really that long. However, if we do not trust or support them then how dare we require them to support us. This seems elementary, and yet it appears something as simple as the golden rule has been overlooked here.

As leadership it is our duty to lead by example. So what is going on here? It is unfortunate that such a poor example of what was expected of these members was set for them. In fact it has lead to some serious consequences. We have crushed these delicate souls and hardened them towards a church that rejected them. It is sad to see them looking to find God beyond the church instead of in the church. Now they have been brushed aside to make way for a band that will do exactly as their told.

With no explanation to the former members they were replaced, and their band has a brand new leader. Experience and dedication here has been thrown out the window and replaced by a novice. Though we have had much teaching on how leaders are made in the dark after years of dedication and service we somehow forgot. Forget paying your dues, just agree with everything those over you tell you, appear super-spiritual and you can skip all the steps in the middle. You don’t even have to spend a semester or a year in the band with a little charm you can go straight to the top.

Sure it has always been said that God chooses the band. Yet, I don’t think God was consulted on this one. If He was then we must not have consulted Him on our countless teachings on leadership. Either way, something is not right here.

I would argue that the criteria for becoming new leadership are the favor and of superiors as well as being deemed worthy enough to be a leader. Once you have been selected as someone with leadership potential, doors begin to open all around you. However, fall from that elite status and you had better be prepared to reap the consequences. Your suggestions will begin to be seen as rebellion, and as you fall into this all too common downward spiral, confusion overtakes you. All you have been taught is brought into question, if there are obvious holes in some of it then you begin to wonder what else is wrong with it. As you seek to rectify this through meetings with oversight, you find yourself being pushed out of the place you have given so much of your life to. Years of service mean nothing; that which you have spent so much of your life trying to be a part of has suddenly rejected you.

As your mind is overwhelmed with questions the place you have always gone for answers wants nothing to do with you. Seeking God only brings more confusion, what He is telling you no longer lines up with what you are hearing from your oversight. Yet when you take what you hear from Him to his representatives they won’t even listen to you. Why? Because you have the stigma of a rebel, you are considered divisive, and all you say is interpreted through filters. Now there is no longer a desire for resolution, instead all that is seen are flaws. What is one to do when they are no longer heard, when those they have served for so long have rejected them, when all they hear from God is interpreted as heresy.

We are so quick to condemn our sheep; it is almost as if we get some sort of pleasure out of their failure. Members on our leadership team jump to conclusions about people they see as failures and once this opinion is formed there is no changing it. It is troubling that instead of serving those who are deemed as imperfect, we shun them. We quickly judge people, who make us uncomfortable, vowing to keep them from any leadership position.

Why are we so accepting of those that have invested the least here? We are quick to include them and yet those who have paid their dues are ridiculed. When we as leadership have problems with our sheep we are quick to place all the blame on them. When it is with the PCS students, it is all their fault and none of our own. When the flaws of the JCD program begin to surface, we quickly scold the JCD’s, for surely we have done nothing wrong. When our members, those we should be the most dedicated to, have concerns about the system we silence them. Instead of addressing the problem we shift the blame to our subordinates.

It seems that once people begin to ask questions about the discrepancies they are surrounded by, they are quickly viewed differently. We assume they have been corrupted by our token group of usual suspects and we try to warn them against associating with this growing crowd. However, the crowd continues to grow, more people are questioning that which does not quite sit right. Instead of approaching these people and listening to a perspective bigger then our own, we stamp them with our disapproval, and hint to those who will listen that these people cannot be trusted.

Logic would say that if so many people who have so much invested here are leaving, if the students in our school turn out no better than those at PHS, if our programs are failing, the problem is with us. It is so blatantly obvious and yet we continually seek to put the fault on all those around us. We are deceived here and when it comes to a solution we seek only that which pleases our ears. When someone says that everyone one should be armor bearers and do only what we feel is right, it must be God’s word. After all that sounds like the easiest solution, instead of changing ourselves, we can preach silence to everyone around.

Our church is emulating the kids that have been raised here. For so long we have taught our children the importance of appearance. Good character and proper behavior were demanded, yet that is all the deeper we went. We have raised perfect liars who only conform behaviorally while underneath there are still problems. In the same way the changes we are making here are mostly for appearance. While we appear to be less controlling of our members, the fact is the control remains. The spirit of control is very much alive, through pressure and mind games, we elicit unreturned support from our members. It is shocking to me that we have taught MIRROR 1, 2, and 3 and yet we shamelessly manipulate people with our guilt trips and stories of being drained from ministry situations that go all night.

As long as we insist on controlling members, as long as we snuff the spirit of freedom, God will not fill our balconies. We have systematized things so much that we no longer have a need for God. We have a policy on everything imaginable the only way these policies are bent is to expedite the promotion of those who find our special favor. In Jesus there is freedom, yet it is very difficult to find this freedom at one of our services. Instead we have a meticulously scripted order of events that defies change; there is no room for God. Our church is in desperate need of a fresh breath of life from Him.

Are we afraid of letting God show up at our services? Does the thought of Him being in control frighten us? We have become so procedural that we have forgotten the reason we exist. I would venture to say that if Jesus walked into one of our services we would quickly stick an usher on Him; we would do everything in our power to keep Him off our stage and away from our microphones. We have become like the religious leaders of the New Testament, we have become so concerned about appearance and following the law, it has blinded us from Jesus Himself. When Jesus walked the earth He extended compassion and grace to the filthiest of sinners, His only harsh words were for the self-righteous, religious people of His day. If He were to come back now, things would probably be the same and sadly we would be the modern day recipients of the anger He displayed toward the Pharisees.

Throughout history, God has used the most unlikely candidates to usher in His change. The people God chose were vastly unpopular in the religious community; I think some of these people exist in our church. It is sad that we have attempted to silence them; we have labeled them as rebels and shut every door of opportunity to them. Instead of helping our own flourish and follow God’s plan for their life, we have stifled them. We have caused our own to stumble, fortunately for us, millstones are not as common as they used to be. If we, as God’s anointed leadership, feel the plan God reveals to one of our sheep is not in fact God’s plan for them we attempt to steer them in a new direction. Through our damage control, and obvious, manipulative hints we construct a new path for our sheep, one that makes us more comfortable. If they do not follow this path, the aforementioned pattern begins and the former member is squeezed as if they were a blemish to our flock.

We need to change completely, it is time we fell on the Rock, lest we ourselves are crushed. How long can we fail to see our glaring faults? How long will we shift the blame onto those who went before us, or onto those we are called to nourish and serve? I cannot stand by and let this happen. I have tried many different approaches to halt our slide down this slippery slope. However, it seems that I have fallen from grace, that which I say is no longer taken at face value. The lines of communication between shepherd and sheep are now one way and I am forced to revert to alternate methods. I apologize for writing from the voice of anonymity, yet given the state of things, this now appears to be the only method acceptable. I hope all that I have said will be taken into consideration and not ruled as the voice of Satan speaking through some cynical rebel.

I am in no way attempting to be critical or to judge our failures. I just think that which I have said needs to be brought to light. I pray we can turn things around and move into a brighter future. I want desperately to see us reach our potential. I hope that even though the suggestion of leaving has been made to me; the changes we make will allow me to fulfill my desire of continued involvement. God bless you as you consider the above, I beg you to act upon it and not disregard that which has been expressed on the behalf of many.