Shredding Catechism

A couple of days ago I disposed of my Cathechism II notebook from 1988. As a recent convert to Orthodox Christianity, (see www.oca.org) I had loaned my notebook to my Priest, so that he could evaluate the doctrine of baptism that I had been taught, to aid in deciding if I should be baptised yet again. Nearly a year had passed since I took it to him, and it was returned with the sweet fragrance of incense and beeswax that permeates all his books, many of which he had loaned me during my catechesis. I had forgotten all about the notebook, and suddenly, there it was. A millstone had returned, and what should I do with it?I didn't want to continue to store it. I don't need it for reference, or because I need to be able to spread "the truth according to Karl Barden". I didn't want to send it too the landfill, that offends my environmental sensibilities. The binder is still in good shape, it was the contents that needed to be dealt with.So, I got the shredder, put on some nice calming sacred music, and sorted out pages to recyle (the textpart), and pages to shred. I shredded all the personal details that I was compelled to share on paper, and all the red ink encouragements, and all the stickers, and all the S++'s. I wondered what my cat. counselors are doing now. Are they still there, theThompsons and the Waites? My ex and I were counselors as well, where are our "sheep" now? I can't even remember who they were, just that I was working hard to keep up with everything. We had two kids and one on the way, I was working part time and dealing with acomplicated pregnancy, house hunting and getting ready to move. So, I got to grade papers and think of something to say to each and every essay answer, and a few neat comments or cute pictures to make it interesting. After all, my work as a counselor was going to be evaluated, just like I was evaluating all those papers.

I felt the grief and sadness that comes over me when I contemplate how much a part of the LFF machine I was,how willing, how faithful and "solid", how neatly I bought into the party line, and spouted the scriptures and doctrines when our choices were questioned by caring family members. I grieve for the lives of those that I influenced to buy into the system.When we left in 1996, it was as members in good standing. It took years for me to see how wrongthings were.

As I began to understand the inherent abusiveness of LFF, I reflected on a hard lesson thatI had learned from parenting: "You can't give what you don't have." Or, in other words, no matter how balanced and pretty the teaching, if the teachers aren't living it, it is the reality that is passed on,not the doctrine. Our family had followed the example set before us, with disastrous results. (Of course,we might have had disastrous results anyway, IF we had met and married outside of LFF) We had learned that:
Helpmeet = Enabler
Leader = Dictator
Appearances = What matters
Mental or physical illness = Spiritual problem
Children with problems = Parental laziness
Divorce = Ultimate nightmare of shame and loneliness

These ideas had kept us together. Seeing how false these assumptions were, and not knowing how to handle it, helped to complete the demolition of a wobbling marriage.

Enough for now, Cathechism II has been dealt with in it's paper manifestation in my life. The past is past, and the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are at work in my life to transform me more and more into the image of Christ. I am in recovery from LFF, it hast aken time, and it will take time. My hope is in the Lord, not in a funny cult in Pullman.
Peace in Christ,Helen-Xenia

PS - Does anyone have any good ideas for disposing ofa size XL JCD support family T-shirt?