Lost Friends
Fifteen years ago, I attended my Freshman year at the University of Idaho. My roommate in the dorms was my best friend since Junior High, Cindy. We both attended CCF and gradually became more involved in LFF. Two older college students and members of the church befriended us and were so welcoming and nice (I now realize they were likely assigned to us). Over the next two and a half years, we attended church there together sporadically.
Sometime during our third year at Moscow, I talked Cindy into joining Going for the Gold with me. It sounded innocent enough and I thought we'd enjoy doing it together. Well, when I found out that I'd be assigned someone who I'd be required to meet with one-on-one frequently, I was terrified. I backed out, but Cindy continued on with the process.
It didn't take long until she started changing in subtle ways, and drifted away from me and our other roommate. Unfortunately, she overheard me make a negative comment to our roommate about how rarely we saw her anymore and that our relationships seemed strained. Something to the effect of "Nice knowing ya, Cindy." It wasn't long after that that she moved out (in the middle of the semester). I really have never spoken with her since. I have sent her an occasional letter, or Christmas card and I get a polite, if brief, reply, or her Christmas form letter. Nothing more. I have missed her terribly over the past dozen years. I cannot believe it's been that long. I still choke up thinking about the loss.
Anyway, I found this blog recently, and it is very fascinating to me. I was never deeply involved with LFF, but over time realized there was something "off" about some of the things I saw. Especially after Cindy seemed to cut herself off from her friends and become so entrenched in LFF, I more and more recognized it as a cult of some sort.
When I visited their website, some time ago, Cindy was still a teacher at the LFF school. The other day, her name was no longer listed as a member of the faculty. In reading many of the posts on your Blogg, it sounds as if many people have left the church and I don't know how to find out what happened to her.
I just had to let out my feelings and was hoping to find out if she had moved on. I would love a response at lorettapox@hotmail.com
God bless you in your efforts to make a difference in the lives of those affected by this
organization.
(Editors Note, I got her permission to post her email)
23 comments:
I was one of the ones who "reached out" to you. I am so sorry if I ever hurt you in any way. There was a lot of assigning going on but JCD's were also encouraged to reach out to people they clicked with and I felt that way with you and Cindy.
I may have seemed like I knew what I was doing there, but I can assure you I really didn't know about a lot of the abusiveness until I was much further in.
When I came to LFF, I was running from a really bad family situtation with my dad who was abusive in every way. I remember times where he beat us and he didn't care where the leather belt hit - legs, back, etc. He was verbally abusive as well. Funny part was that at church he was a gentleman, a worship leader, an interim pastor. But at home he was a mean tyrant. When I came to LFF I honestly thought I had found true Christianity where those things didn't happen. I was very wrong.
A few years after you left I remember teaching Bible Training Hour and trying to convince the kids at how lucky they were that real issues got dealt with at LFF and if my family had been there I would not have been abused. Again, very wrong. I apologize to my class. Later I found out about a kid who had been beat by one of the Pastors "training" the parent on how to spank. The kid was so beat that he couldn't participate in normal activities for a week. This is wrong! I found out about other kids who were younger than 6 mos who were spanked. And one of them appears to have permanent physical damage, likely from the beatings early in life. Others have told me even worse stories that I don't have time to mention here. If any of you think the PCS kids weren't abused, think again. Harsh punishment was used to force compliance and instill fear.
I know a kid who was medically supposed to stay home because of a very bad injury and they were forced, along with their parents to come to church anyway, while in deep physical pain.
I had always been scared and uncomfortable when people were yelled at or shamed in front of me, as well as with other abuses in the church. But I kept telling myself that I was just being critical, after all nobody is perfect, not even leadership and how dare I touch the Lords annointed. I would really struggle with "I am the only one who feels this way, it must be just me". This type of isolation in my feelings was experienced by most of my friends who have left as well.
I thank God almost daily that I am not there anymore! My only "babies" that I haven't thrown out with the bathwater are the close friendships I have with people that have also left. We have really learned to help each other through these messes. I also appreciate some of the teaching on cultivating a listening ear towards God.
So, as you can see I was pretty messed up before I even got to LFF. I jumped from the frying pan into the fire without realizing it until I went through many things that I don't have time to mention here. I am so grateful for your sake that you had boundaries and that you backed out sooner than I did. Again, I apologize. I really didn't know what I was getting you into.
I have emailed you separately to see if you want me to try to reconnect you with Cindy. I am not 100% sure she has left but I heard a rumour she had.
Thanks for your time.
Thank you, anonymous 9/07 2:45, for your apology here. I probably never met Cindy or Lorretta, I was never a JCD (waaaay to old!) but I was a JCD support family mom, and have good memories of hanging out around the table with our JCD's and thier guests. I suspect I know some of the cases of child abuse that you mention, and my recollection of my participation in beating my kids causes me deep pain to this day.
It seems that many of us jumped from some kind of frying pan or cooking pot into the fire at LFF. When I first saw the chains of abuse, back through the generations of my birth family and my ex's birth family, and how we innocently and misguidedly continued with our children through the influence of LFF, it was more than I could bear. I shared my insights with a wise friend, and asked him if there was anyway to break the chain. He said, you start by being very, very careful.
I hope that you are able to help these two reconnect.
If anyone out there wants to find me, the moderator has my permission to give them my email address.
Christ is our True Healer,
Peace to all,
Helen-Xenia
the former Helen Snodgrass, and Helen Brower, currently Helen Behrens.
There are many things about LFF that I look back on with fondness. There are some things that are painful memories but I can laugh about them. But about this, what we did to our kids, about this there is nothing fond or humerous in remembering. Point blank, we were taught to abuse (physically and emotionally)our kids, God's kids. Bruisings were considerd appropriate, if not expected. Children, even tiny ones were to be spanked until their wills were broken, signified by "crying softly". My husband and I have asked forgiveness of our children many times. They love us and have forgiven us. They actually have a sense of humor about much of their past at LFF. But they were robbed of the upbringing they could have had. I wouldn't treat an animal the way we were taught to treat our children. I wish we had followed our hearts instead of leadership. We were very wrong.
I agree. I am the one who has been fairly positive about what I hold onto about LFF, but the way we were taught to abuse our children is criminal. You have to remember that we were young too. I came from a broken family so I didn't know how to raise children. my wife and I were "good sheep" and followed the direction of our HCL's and our CCL's. As a result, all of my children have had a really difficult time feeling loved and accepted. They didn't know the nurturing that parents are supposed to give their children. I have been working for years trying to undo what they went through by my hands and my wife's as we were following the direction of our leadership.
I have also asked my children to forgive me.
I remember that my HCL was so proud that her son (who was less then 1) responded to her obey and her lay down commands. I never witnessed her striking him but I never understood how she had "trained" him. I shudder at the thought of it now. Also, I remember another HCL woman that used a wooden spoon on her less then 2 yr old son. It is all rather shocking that we didn't do anything about it like call CPS. Someone should have then and most likely even now. It really is a sad how children are treated there.
I do recognize that the folks there were young and new parents and most likely came from families where parenting styles were less then acceptable. I think that LFF was really good at targeting those kinds of college kids and preying on them and seducing them to their way of thinking and then systematically abusing them.
I now pray and meditate and implore the powers that be to protect the children still there and any children that were formerly there from any further abuse or any lasting effects of the abuse they suffered.
when we finally figured out all that was going on at LFF and left, we called the cops. They said there are 1000's of reports on LLF, yet their hands are tied.
That translated to us that there were obviously the lffers who held high positions of power in the community have made sure that claims against LFF are tossed aside.
I remember having to sign a piece of paper in GG's stating that I would never seek outside authorities on a member of the church. The idea was presented in a way to hint that we should solve our difference with one another in christ, not with secular law. I know that paper won't hold up in court, but pastor phil used it against us when we demanded to have all our files turned over to us. We should have pressed harder with a lawyer, but they're just not worth our time and money
There are not only reports on LFF with the Pullman police but also the FBI -including numerous sexual abuse reports. That is probably why they are on the FBI's cult list. I hope that as people continue to leave that something comes out that will help stop the madness.
The sad part is that so many parents who sincerely wanted help raising their kids got very mislead. Parents were afraid of not raising their kids "biblically" or afraid of losing them to drugs or something worse. So, they bought into the lies. Spanking (NOT beating) is discussed in the book of Proverbs so many probably thought they were on the road of prevention when it came to their kids.
I witnessed the leadership talk often about "breaking the child's spirit" (a phrase not found in the bible). This "mentoring" was disastrous for so many of the kids. Many parents did things they deeply regret.
The Barden girls were held up as a perfect standard since they were still in ministry and at LFF. But two of them are the meanest people I have ever met. I speculate that many parents saw the leadership kids being treated according to LFF teaching but still not "turn out" and that was really the begining of seeing how bad the views on "spanking and breaking a childs spirit" really were.
For you parents out there who feel so bad, many of you have already asked your kids forgiveness. This is a critical begining step in their healing process. I am so glad to hear that is happening. May God bring healing.
Here is a poem that has gotten me through my transition out of LFF as well as in my everyday life. Administrators - feel free to move if it works better else where.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
To 9/8 11:01: What you speak of happened years ago. You say you hope something comes out so the maddness stops. Is it still going on? No. So why do you wish destruction on a place that has changed so much. What people speak of on this blog (regarding the children) is not about the past year, or 2 years or 3 or 4, but of the 90s, and 80s and years before that. So your wish has come true, so to speak, the madness has stopped. What now do you want to happen? And to the person who said that it was the LFFers in high ranking community positions that kept the problems away. Come on, who were the people in high ranking community position??? There was none! There was a police chaplin for a little while and.... ??? Remember this was a church not highly thought of by the community.
Being well thought of in a community does not equate to being feared or having power in that community. LFF had/has a lot of money. That in itself is power and garners a level of respect. I don't know if they every gave back within the community but if they did and the community feared it would stop that would be reason enough to ignore complaints.
That is bullshit! There is still abuse and misconduct of authority. I was one of the children. Not only that I was a child of the "leadership". Not only was there much abuse, but there were attempts at breaking my spirit. Let me tell you something. MY SPIRIT IS NOT BROKEN...LFF DOES NOT HAVE THAT KIND OF POWER. You can beat me until you turn blue in the face, and scream and rage with frustration, you can use my body, but you can never break my spirit or have my soul. The abuse that you inflicted on me was worse than from any other abuser I have ever had in my life. What you did was take that fact that I was abused and then abused me some more. That is something that LFF will just have to come to terms with. They may be underhanded, or more deceitful, but let me assure you it is all still there. They are just getting better at hiding and lying. You know that there is something wrong when you point blank say to the "senior pastor" I want nothing to do with you...you are very bad person and yet he still manages to stay in control of you. What a messed up place! Keep your friends, family, husbands, wives, and children away from there!
I remember spanking one of my children as per LFF instruction, thinking he was displaying disobedience and rebellion. I couldn't do it anymore. I burst into tears and just held him. I wish I could say that moment changed me forever and I never spanked my children like that again. I thought I was just weak. Years and much wisdom later, I know the tender feelings I had crying and holding my child were the makings of better parenting than anything LFF taught me about child "discipline".
to 9/14 4:10. You don't know me, or my experiences and that is a very judgemental and mean thing to say.
"LFF has a lot of money" - ha! that's so not true. unless you have seen the books, don't speak of what you do not know.
Somebody must have some money. What do they do with 231/3 of our income then?
I would love to see the books. Post them. I think we all would.
Amen! And don't hide everything under "housing allowance for pastors"
In other churches they post the financial status of the church on the church bulletin...There is being open and honest for you!
To 9/14/06 3:27pm
AMEN
To 9/12/06 10:28pm
We still have family that goes there we know what is still happening. Also the police have been involved with somethings it is just kept quiet on both sides because is has to do with abuse. Recently in the news we have heard about polygamist cults and the difficulty they have prosecuting the "church" leaders, burden of proof is so difficult, If I give a statement that they did this and a LFF gave a statement saying no we didn't, it is very difficult to prove in the judical or civil arena. Hopefully one day they will be prosecuted but we need a lot of money, time and physical proof to accomplish that. So no it is not because of community people or money, it is are legal system.
I was there a up to 2004 and even then there was things that I thought were abusive. I was encouraged to leave my baby in a playpen for hours a day. One Pastor openly bragged about how she could leave her kid in the playpen for 8 hours a day and just take care of the baby's basic needs. I was mortified because babies need love and cuddle time. I think neglect is still a big part of the LFF pattern.
LFF is quite schizophrenic when it comes to children and families. They teach that children are a blessing, but act as though children are a curse. We were treated as though we were unfaithful members if we wanted to spend more than "family night" with our family, like we were less than fully committed. Mothers were discouraged from staying home with their babies and toddlers, homeschooling as the children got older, etc. (and I'm not saying that everyone should choose to stay home, homeschool, etc - just that it should be an option) It was seen as desirable to have the children all raised together; it freed more parents up to "serve God", as if God isn't served by parents loving and caring for their own children.
Cindy is teaching at a "public School" here in Moscow. I think it's the one by the library....I bumped into her at the library in August and she told me of her new job. I think that she is still at Living Fakes.....not positive.
Post a Comment