Broken Wing

So, following are some ramblings of things I have worked out, through, in and still struggle with at times, but wanted to share my heart on dreams and hope it encourages you!

Have you ever heard the song by Martina McBride, Broken Wing? Now you may not like country music, but I love the chorus on this song where it says, "with a broken wing, she carries her dreams...man you ought to see her fly." The song talks about a girl with a dream and how the man in her life is holding her back by telling her that dream is crazy, she'll never do it, etc. That's exactly the role that the pastors of LFF have played for years...breaking wings of young, energetic, youthful dreamers who are at their prime season in life to fly!

For all of you who visit this site, read it or are "sneaking on to it" against your pastor's will, I have a prayer - that you will be able to carry your dreams and fly. Some times I read the blog and I cry. It breaks my heart - more often than not. Sometimes I read it and get ticked. I feel so ripped off. I get angry when I think of what was supposed to be the most special moments in our lives wrecked by the things you talk about - our wedding day, our first pregnancy, the infant years of our children, the things they missed out on, my family, etc., etc. Sometimes I read it and get so sad - almost depressed when I think of the things that we KNEW God had put on our hearts, only to have them shot down and told "that will never happen" flat out by pastors or worse yet, to have our wings clipped by pastors who were threatened and tried to keep us small. And some times I am just floored - I can't believe I stayed so long and put up with so much crap. I'm not a pushover and I guarantee, no one will ever treat me that way again. But in some way, all of us had our wings broken by the experiences and the suffocation at LFF.

I recall one instance where I was speaking with a couple of the five fold pastors and they were floored by what I had said. At the time there seemed to be quite a rash of people who were being treated for depression - why do I know this?...oh, under the guise of "prayer request" all sorts of gossip went on. (One absurdity - in one case, a pastor actually said "oh she's depressed because she doesn't make her bed in the morning") Anyway, I plainly mentioned that I believe absolutely that there are so many people who were depressed because they had to abandon their dreams in God in order stay at LFF. They could not believe it and were not happy. You can imagine this was not a popular word and trust me it was before the "mass exodus" - at least two years before the leadership team fell apart. I remember the look in a certain pastor's eyes and the fury that rose up. I got chewed out up one side and down the other and told I was unspiritual...yada, yada, you know the routine.

But I sit here today and am absolutely convinced that God created each one of us exactly the way we are. Did you ever think about it? HE designed what have been labeled as our weaknesses and used as clubs like they were some big flaw in our being. Hello - God made us that way! It wasn't some mistake like "0h darn, I didn't mean to give him that personality, or that characteristic". NO - God made us exactly the way we are in order to use us for a purpose that only we can uniquely fill. I shouldn't have to be like any other person. That is not God's purpose for me! I am me with my own unique expression, my own unique personality and I deserve to live an abundant life of joy - injured wing and all - singing if I want, worshipping however I want and doing the things that I know bring me closer to God - not what you think is best for me! I know that some of the things God stirred in your hearts years (maybe lifetimes ago) are buried somewhere and I believe that just like a seed, He will bring those things back to life if you want. Maybe not in the grandios ways we may have once imagined, or maybe so...but FOR SURE in the way HE intended. It's not too late. Don't give up. My prayer this year has been "God, you put this dream in my heart, now I am placing it back in YOUR hands - do with it what you will." He has begun to work out some of the most painful parts in my heart...some of the deepest scars...were in the dreams that I vulnerably shared that were thrown down, squished and spat on by "shepherds". It's been years since we left and I have just been able to begin to open this part of me. It's slow and I'm not forcing anything, but it's a good thing...painful and brings up a million emotions, but one baby step at at time.

I pray for all of you - that you will "carry your dreams and fly"! Remember - "His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches you (and me!)". You are so important to Him, exactly the way you are. The comparisons you were taught or had shoved down your throat were an insult to your maker. You are you. Exactly who God intended to create and use. Take up your dreams and Fly! He will indeed carry you!

Bless you!

Memories of New Years Eve

I always think about our parties at LFF on New Year's. I remember how fun they used to be at the Barden's house and then when we moved them into the first building on Kimball. I remember how fun it was to hang out with everyone and not worry about working. We could talk, we could play games, we could eat. Of course I got kind of tired of the same food every year. I made stuffed mushrooms which were so good, but you could only eat one or two. You can almost feel your arteries hardening as you eat them!

I also have fond memories of waiting to hear what the Spirit was going to say for the coming year. It always got me excited for the next year. Now, however, as I think back to the prophecies (many of which I typed out to post on the board), it seems that they basically said the same thing. "You are my chosen, and I am going to bring a great revival to the world starting in Pullman!" Well, they say you know a prophet by the accuracy of their prophecy.... As the Jews have said "we know we are your chosen, but can't you chose someone else sometimes?" Does it all seem like the prophecies were just another tool to manipulate us into staying at LFF? I long for the Spirit to speak to me as clearly as I thought it did in those days, but to hear Spirit's true words. Do any of you still journal? Do any of you still hear God's voice like we thought we did at LFF?