Numb Lyrics (email)
"Numb"
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
And every second I waste is more than I can take
[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
12 comments:
What amazing lyrics. That is truly how I feel. Many of us never really found out who we were without them. That is what I struggle with most right now. What do I really believe for myself? I'm not completely sure.
Here's a song by Kathy Mattea that spoke to me too. I dedicate it to each of you who is struggling with the pain. It was written as a woman singing to a man, but it could just as easily be Jesus and the "she" could be LFF.
TRUST ME
I know she hurt you
It's clear to see
The scar runs wide and reaches deep
Wish I could find the one magic word to dry your eyes and heal your hurt
But you hardly hear me when those memories haunt you so
Baby, believe me you can give up those old ghosts
If you trust me, you don't have to be afraid just trust me
Leave the past to yesterday
You're never going to ever truly love me, until you trust me
I know you've heard me saying lines before
Your heart just wants to lock the door
I'll wait forever till you let me in
Now matter what I'll be your friend
But I'd love to show you the moon is ours tonight
But I'm just glad to hold you till your heart can see the light
And you can trust me
You don't have to be afraid
Just trust me
Leave the past to yesterday
You're never going to ever truly love me
Until you trust me
I'd love to show you the moon is ours tonight,
But I'm just glad to hold you till your heart can see the light
And trust me
You don't have to be afraid
Just trust me
Leave the past to yesterday
You're never going to ever truly love me till you trust me
Trust me, trust me
One theme that I see recurring as I peruse the blog is the idea that maybe all of this pain, all of this hurt comes from our buying into an unscriptural concept of what shepherding actually is.
We have looked at it a lot from the aspect of how our leaders failed us, have we considered it from the aspect of our own culpibility in throwing good sense out the window?
Granted, pastors should not necessarily be inflicting pain in a cruel or sadistic way. But.....Where does it say in scripture that our Pastors should be our Mommy and Daddy soothing our wounds and putting on bandaids? Inviting us to the events at their home? Making us feel included in their circle of favorites? How sick is that?
It seems to me that some of the problem here is that the people of God have been going to get life from their pastors, who are after all mere mortals no different from them, instead of going to the Life Giver.
It is an aberrant Christian culture that must be expunged from our consciousness, from our daily life, from our expectations. Who is at fault? The leaders, and the followers all contributed by their own actions and choices to uphold a stinking rotten system. May it be swiftly purged, or swiftly dismantled.
No human being, and really, no pastor, exists to make us feel better. If we are going to get a life, we are going to have to (ugh, I know it sounds similar to what we were all taught) begin to live for others, instead of expecting them to live for us.
Don't get me wrong. LFF is a totally dysfunctional establishment. Not one word of what I am saying is in defense of that incarnation of church as a familly business. I left it by my choice, but I also chose to stay there for many years.
It is an idea I am throwing on the table. I am only posting here because it is convenient, I could have posted anywhere, the theme runs throughout the blog. It runs throughout me.
I am trying to make sense of the LFF experience, like we are all trying to do.
I have a life. I have things to do. Reading the blog has been an interesting diversion for awhile, but frankly the LFF chapter of my life has been closed for some time and I am not sure it has been completely healthy to re-open it via this blog.
The anonymity has been an interesting feature. I don't think it could have happened without it.
One theme that I see recurring as I peruse the blog is the idea that maybe all of this pain, all of this hurt comes from our buying into an unscriptural concept of what shepherding actually is.
We have looked at it a lot from the aspect of how our leaders failed us, have we considered it from the aspect of our own culpibility in throwing good sense out the window?
Granted, pastors should not necessarily be inflicting pain in a cruel or sadistic way. But.....Where does it say in scripture that our Pastors should be our Mommy and Daddy soothing our wounds and putting on bandaids? Inviting us to the events at their home? Making us feel included in their circle of favorites? How sick is that?
It seems to me that some of the problem here is that the people of God have been going to get life from their pastors, who are after all mere mortals no different from them, instead of going to the Life Giver.
It is an aberrant Christian culture that must be expunged from our consciousness, from our daily life, from our expectations. Who is at fault? The leaders, and the followers all contributed by their own actions and choices to uphold a stinking rotten system. May it be swiftly purged, or swiftly dismantled.
No human being, and really, no pastor, exists to make us feel better. If we are going to get a life, we are going to have to (ugh, I know it sounds similar to what we were all taught) begin to live for others, instead of expecting them to live for us.
Don't get me wrong. LFF is a totally dysfunctional establishment. Not one word of what I am saying is in defense of that incarnation of church as a familly business. I left it by my choice, but I also chose to stay there for many years.
It is an idea I am throwing on the table. I am only posting here because it is convenient, I could have posted anywhere, the theme runs throughout the blog. It runs throughout me.
I am trying to make sense of the LFF experience, like we are all trying to do.
I have a life. I have things to do. Reading the blog has been an interesting diversion for awhile, but frankly the LFF chapter of my life has been closed for some time and I am not sure it has been completely healthy to re-open it via this blog.
The anonymity has been an interesting feature. I don't think it could have happened without it.
I think Linkin Park must have been to LFF before writing those lyrics......or at least a church like them.
I have been out of LFF for about 8 years now. Listening to music they would have forbidden has helped me break the chains they once tied me down with.
Listening to this kind of music has given me an enormous amount of self-confidence back, that LFF once stole.
I believe in myself......that I do not need places like LFF to support or understand me.....or manipulate me and hold me back from being all that I was born to be.
While LFF was a painful sideroad on the superhighway of life.....I am thankful I went there. It helped me learn many deep dark secrets about human behaviour.
Learning these secrets helps me avoid other, possibly more dangerous groups than LFF.
I hate using the cliche' .......but that which does not kill me can only make me stronger. I know I am a much stronger person for having gone through LFF and survived.
This song might also be a great post-LFF song to help those that don't know what to do with God after leaving.
Further Seems Forever- Light Up Ahead
Their Purevolume page, to hear the song: http://www.purevolume.com/furtherseemsforever
Take this heart of darkness
I give it up
and all the emptiness
you fill it up
the times that I feel nothing
you bring enough
SO I CAN LIVE FOR SOMETHING
YOU LIFT ME UP!
and all these bad dreams
I wake up to the light
and when I can't see
I wake up to your eyes
Wake me up
there's a light up ahead
there's a light up ahead (yeah)
there's a light up ahead
wake me up
there's a light up ahead
Wake me up
it gets so complicated
if you live enough
turn in to what you hated
you're breaking up
The times I feel like nothing
you bring enough
So I can live for something
You lift me up!
and all these bad dreams
I wake up to the light
and when I can't see
I wake up to your eyes
Wake me up
there's a light up ahead
there's a light up ahead (yeah)
there's a light up ahead
wake me up
there's a light up ahead
in response to the 11:56, 11:57 comment:
Yes, those of us who chose to attend LFF and also chose to stay definitely bear responsibility for our choices. I, personally, am horrified at myself and the way that I violated my conscience over and over. As I've seen my part in what happened to me at LFF, it's helped me make better choices. There are always people around that will take advantage of me and my vulnerabilities, but I don't have to let them do it.
also in response to the 11:56 comment
I agree that in a large part the religious system that we have named "Christianity" in this country is not what a disciple of Jesus is about. It's not just LFF where you find messed up religious systems--it's many charismatic churches. Church, in fact, in this country needs a major overhaul. When you think of what Christianity really means in this country you come up with a list of dos and don'ts that revolve around our modern, European influenced culture. When we ask people to become Christians we ask them to embrace a culture, and I don't think Christianity and white, modern, European culture should be synonomous. I think that we all need to find out who Jesus really is. Not who our culture has defined him as, not who our pastors have defined him as, not as our list of dos and don'ts have defined him as.
Another thing I have been thinking about lately is how much of a Pharisee I have become. I did a lot of stuff at LFF to gain some sort of approval from oversight, from God. I had an immense list of rules for myself to follow. That's not what Jesus wanted, because I reduced my relationship with Him to a list of stuff to do. That's not true Jesus--I don't think. But I'm not saying that the pain wasn't real at LFF. I'm just saying that perhaps Christianity in general in the US is off.
I totally agree that Christianity in this country is off--mainstream evangelicalism has largely been hijacked by a nutty, right-wing political movement that's anything but Christian.
I just read the Lyrics and those guys are secular, not Christian, what are you polluting your minds with... wait a second, sorry that just came out, instinct I guess. I was told that so many times I stopped counting. Funny how secular music can minister to people just as "christian" music can.
You were afraid to loose control of me. What do you think, now? I grew up in the hell hole you called the bubble of protection from the world. All I wanted was to be myself! Why couldn't you understand? I tried, I lived in axiety everyday that I would burn in hell.
"Just caught in the under tow; I'm just caught int he undertow.*" You told me to swim against the current of the world. What you didn't tell me was that I was caught in YOUR undertow. How could I escape that? I felt trapped, smothered, and drowed. You were holding me back and I hate you for it. I hate you. The pain you caused me, Karl Barden, Kari V., Julie K., Sherrie Staria, and others you will never know. I wanted to be just what you wanted! I tried. I really tried. But, you kept knocking me off my feet. How can you treat small children like that? Every time I tried it was never good enouph. I lived in fear of getting in trouble. I still live in fear of getting in trouble. I hate what you have made me. I could never do it. "Every step that I take is another mistake to you."
But, I am still a Christian. Despite you. Everyday, I have to make the choice to forgive you. Why? Jesus has forgiven me for more that I have done against Him then what you did against me. How do you forgive people whom you still hate. God forgive me.
*In case you are wondering, this was what some of the back groud singers are saying during parts of this song.
Amen
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