Time Cannot Erase (email)
My Immortal - Evanesence (song download)
I'm so tired of being here.
Suppressed by all my childish fears.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave.
your presence still lingers here,
and it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have...
All of me.
You used to captivate me by your resognating light,
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams
Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have...
All of me.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have...
All of me.
This lyrics to this song say it all for me. Living Faith Felloship has caused me many tears, countless nightmares and persistent depression. I want so bad to forget it all. No matter how hard I try, my mind is plagued with confusion. Why did these things have to happen? Can't it all be erased? Now looking back, I can see how bad it really was. When I left LFF I went straight into another abusive relationship. I continually struggle with issues of self-worth. This site has given me a glimmer of hope, but just a glimmer. If you are one who still believes in God and prayer…please pray for me.
10 comments:
Thank you! I love that song and I will keep you in my prayers which I haven't prayed in a long time. But I once had a glimmer of hope that I held onto and now I can say that it has grown. I believe that your hope will grow as well.
You have my prayers, and please believe God does hear them. He loves you more than you will ever know. If you are in a cycle of being drawn to abusive relationships, I would highly recommend stearing clear of relationships for awhile until you build your own self-confidence and self-worth. We were taught at LFF that those were such horrible worldly words, but in truth self-worth will keep you from allowing people like the pastors at LFF to play with your life like it's their clay in their playroom. I've been in those kinds of relationships as well outside of LFF. The only way to get out of the cycle is to learn how to be okay with yourself, trust your judgment. Know that God truly is enough for anything life sends your way. If you put any person on earth in the place of the unconditional love and wisdom that only God can give, you are destined to be hurt. I think we all put too much trust in our pastors at LFF. Trust God, know that your prayers are heard, and I will be praying for you too.
Wow! I've always liked the song, but never thought of it in this context. As to why it had to happen, that one puzzles me, even plagues me at times. It cannot be erased, but it can have less of a hold on you. For me that has come with therapy and with time. Yes, therapy from a real PhD, not counseling from yet another judgmental pastor-type. Qualified people are out there and they can help with recovery from abuse. I've often thought that I should send my former pastors the bill!
I hear you, and will pray, God hears you too...
I finally decided to try counseling. I told myself I just needed to "buck up" and get over it for a long time, and then I gave myself the excuse that I would never be able to explain the horror of LFF to someone who had never been there, how could they understand or help me?? Then I fell back into an LFF frame of mind and told myself that those worldly counselors probably would just give me humanistic advice and they couldn't possible help me, which left me no where because I sure as heck wasn't going to try to find a pastor to counsel me (still have trouble trusting them)
But,I quit allowing myself excuses and did it...
I am glad
Especially if you are drawn to other abusive relationships after LFF, counseling could really help you...
I encourage ANYONE who is really struggling to pursue it
I posted the above comment, and when I was writing, the comment above mine hadn't appeared yet...
Guess we are on the same wave length!!!
Doesn't the bible say something about when 2 or more are witness??
Interesting!
One of the few things that LFF got right is that it doesn't matter how big your faith is, it is how BIG GOD IS! Hold on to that glimmer! God honors the glimmer. You are more precious to God than you can even imagine. The pain that you are feeling has been inflicted by his shepherds (imagine the judgement they will recieve!) I know that this pain must truly grieve God. The very people that should have protected you, wounded you. You may never be able to trust humans again, but know that you are loved and accepted by God, just as you are! You never have to make yourself more acceptable to God. That is what grace is really about.
I'll be praying for you and for all of us!
It's a great song. I also love a song by Linkin Park called "Numb" Lyrics are easy to find on the web, just do a Google search. This was my theme song when I left. I really thought about burning it to CD and sending it to Kari along with the lyrics. We left about 2 years ago and still live Pullman. I was in leadership, pretty high up, and this is how I felt. If you are new at LFF and reading this, please understand something. You will never understand. Not if you didn't live it like we did. You have no idea what it was like. None. Not even the stories can do it justice. Ever get a pit in your stomach that is so great, and so deep that you want to throw-up, but can't? I lived that for a decade. Fear. Fear. Fear. Of Kari, of Karl of many. I was even dumb enough to spend my "free" time with them. What the heck was I thinking? I actually had a plan to leave in the middle of the night, just pack up and go I wanted out soooo bad, but I didn't. Just another 40 hour LFF week of paperwork, appointments and serving. Another $1600 tithe check per month, but still driving a broken, unsafe car back and forth to work, so I could do it all over again. Yeah, you can't understand. You never will be able to. What we will through during the 90's at LFF was painful. So - find the song. Listen close and try to understand. It may give you a glimpse into what we all went through.
I, too, was so afraid of many of the Barden leadership. I was told that I was too self protective and I needed to repent. Which I did constantly. I had seen Kari and Karl shred people to bits in front of other people.
I finally realized that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear but he does give us the ability to feel fear so we can either fight or flight. It's normal when you see something dangerous to have a physiological response. It's the same with our hearts, which we are told by the bible to guard. I don't think that it just means to guard it from sin. One of the hearts biggest deadeners is abuse. And when we are abused we lose our vitality and trust in Jesus.
I think Jesus was trying to address that danger when he confronted the pharisees and religious leaders. They, too, were known to abuse people finacially, spiritually, and emotionally. I think Jesus would have said a few of his choice comments to the leadership at LFF.
I remember being told I was selfish, didn't press in enough, was self protective, proud, independent, etc. At one point I was in trouble almost daily with one person in leadership for petty things that weren't even my fault.
But you NEVER see Jesus telling his disciples how selfish they were or proud - even when they fought over who would be the greatest in the kingdom. He was rarely harsh with them - the religious leaders got the harsh words, because of how they treated the people under them.
So, I hope that all of us who were abused and experienced abuse in other arenas of life will find hope in the one whose "burdens are easy" and who gently leads us. He is lovely, giving, kind, and feels every tear we have shed.
Now I pay attention when I feel afraid in someone's prescence. It can mean that the person is an abuser and I need to guard my heart. I also know God wants to protect me and is out for my good, so that intuitive sense of fear is something I value as God looking over me with a protective eye.
The CD that this song comes from has a lot of songs that relate. It is amazing to me because I have like Evanescence for years. Going Under; Everybody's Fool; Haunted. Check it out if you like stuff like that.
You will heal. I left Lff in 1980 after spending two years watching others follow the leadership without questioning anything. I realized that there was a fine line between Lff's community and Jim Jones congregation. Scary. I was criticized for leaving but I knew then that it was God's guidance that counted not the pastors. Trust your instincts, they were given to you by your creator to protect you. Don't fear men or women who think the gospel begins and ends with them. You are good enough. God created you to love and serve Him. You don't need anyone to tell you how to love and serve Him. The Word is sufficient in that area. Reach out to others who are in need and you will soon forget your past pain and disappintment that part of your history. Stir up the gift of God that is in you. You can do it! I will pray for you. Go now and choose to be happy. Get professional counseling if you need to. It will help. Change therpists if the report isn't there. Take care, you are not alone.
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