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I had heard about this blog long before I ever decided to visit. I was kind of afraid to. When I left LFF I tried desperately to get out of Pullman and with no luck. For a while it was hard enough to drive by the church everyday, see people in the grocery store and have them go into outreach mode at light speed, to run into Kari Vance on the stairs as I went to check the mail for work one day, let alone to actually deal with the hurt that was inflicted on me while attending LFF. Visiting this site made me face the reality that I too had been hurt like all these other people and your stories are like my stories and your pain looks and feels a lot like mine. I realized that I could continue to deny that this all existed inside of me and deal with it subconsciously for the rest of my life or I could just have it out right here and now and do the best I could to sort through it and not let them continue to have this hold on me that they have had for so many years. I have chosen the later and the rougher of the two paths but I think that I will be glad in the end.
It has been a long time since I have read my bible, just as long since I have felt comfortable worshiping (which was the one thing that got me through an abusive childhood and gave me so much joy in my life at one time) and a while since I have been to a church. The thought of doing any of those things still make my stomach turn to knots. When I hurt, I write. I refuse to write in a notebook however. While I was thinking about trying to attend another church and how good it might be to make new friends and be able to put the past behind me and move on I began to realize how I was feeling and I put it into the words below in the form of poem or a song. It is written to the Body of Christ as a whole, not just to LFF, from someone hurt by a wolf in sheep's clothing. I hope that in some way just as many of your entries bring healing to me this finds its way into your hearts as well.
How do I know you won't hurt me anymore
How do I know you won't lie to my heart
How do I know I can trust you again
How do I love you through the pain
I gave you years of my life, handed you my heart
My dreams and my plans still no matter how much I gave
It was never good enough for you
So how do I know
Shards of hurt remain in my soul
I can't go a day without your memories
They flood my mind like your abuse once did
Only time can clean up your mess.
But how do I know
You were supposed to hold my hand
Help me up when I fell down
Protect me, guide me and keep me safe
I gave you what you wanted
And now you ask me for it again
Still how I do I know
How do I know you won't hurt me anymore
How do I know you won't lie to my heart
How do I know I can trust you again
How do I love you through the pain
15 comments:
Your poem brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece.
Thank you so much for your honesty! I totally relate.
Today I drove by the church and guess what, the Worship Center is having the 10th Anniversary on Sunday. Says so on the LFF reader board out front. Anyone wanna go? hehehe. Had bad thoughts involving eggs and tp but I am over it now.
Holy Cow! Ten years. I can't believe its been that long. God bless and good luck to them on that "Celebration". Also, they have a reader board?????? I make it to Pullman every so often, but I forget to pay any attention when I drive by the church.
P.S. Anyone else remember the big tree that they tore down to make that building? I still miss the it! I have some great memories of that tree and that field.
I don't have near as many good memories in the "Worship Center". I think that they should have left the tree.
Holy Cow! Ten years. I can't believe its been that long. God bless and good luck to them on that "Celebration". Also, they have a reader board??????
Anyone remember the big tree that they tore down to make that building? I still mis
We used to smoke pot under that tree. I'm glad they put the Worship Center there instead. I might still be smoking pot. Well, I guess they could have put a MUCH SMALLER Worship Center there.
And the problem with pot is?...Oh yeah, it shows demonic influences and bondage. >8-)
I do remember people singing "they paved paradise and put up a parking lot" about the building. I'm sorry, but that trailer park was not paradise!
That trailer park was classic Pullman.
I remember that there was not a lot of caring or concern for the folks who were displaced when the trailer park was dismantled. I have become much more sensitized to poverty and homelessness since then. It is not a sin to be poor, and homelessness is not a crime. I wish we had been more Christ-like to those people.
hmm...maybe we could have used the poor tithe to truly help some of those people
Ah yes…the snake field. I loved that place…all the tall grass and weeds. We spent a lot of time in sunshiners playing hide and seek among the thistles. We chased a lot of garter snakes there and even got bit a time or two. I too loved that gnarly old tree. It was a great climbing tree. I was really sad when I realized they were going to cut it down. I think they should have left it there. It would have looked better on the tip of the altar (where it used to stand) instead of that monstrosity of a pulpit. I remember there was a big stink about cutting down the trees. The public was assured that trees would be replanted. I haven’t a seen a real tree planted on the property yet.
Trees cost money. They don't have a lot of that. What money they do have has to pay for all the pastor trips around the US and the world.
One of the great Ironies of LFF
"I remember that there was not a lot of caring or concern for the folks who were displaced when the trailer park was dismantled. I have become much more sensitized to poverty and homelessness since then. It is not a sin to be poor, and homelessness is not a crime. I wish we had been more Christ-like to those people."
Across the Gospels, even the Gospel of Thomas, the number one thing Jesus preached was social service, mostly caring for and helping the poor.
I wonder if Jesus would have helped them dismantle the trailer park. Maybe he would have handed out the eviction notices, "I'm sorry you have to leave, but I'm moving here."
correct me if I have it wrong, Didn't we give the tenants of the trailer park lots of warning? I agree that maybe we could have put in some low income housing (where all of the condos went in). It would have been a very appropriate use of the poor tithe.
I wonder if Karl is proud of the empty memorial to himself? I remember being really excited about it, but I helped build every building. I even almost lost my life during construction of the gym. So, of course I was excited about it. It was cool to have a church that didn't look like a barn. But, if I had it all to do over.....
That church is as much an empty memorial to Kari Vance as it is to Karl.
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