The Truth About Me
(e-mail submission)
You persuaded me
To believe a lie
You said it was the truth
You said I was nothing without you
Worse yet, I was loathsome
No one could love me,
employ me,
marry me
If it wasn’t for you
You said all the good in me
Was because of you
For many years I believed you
I dared not disagree
I spent my best years toiling
At a harrowing pace
I paid my toll to you
You wounded me
To make yourself look good
I thought: “I must really be that bad.
I must be defective.”
Even though in God’s word
I found a different truth
The truth about me
But according to you
I wasn’t qualified
To recognize truth in the scriptures
That right was reserved
For the anointed ones
The ones with all the power to shame
And shame me they did
Even after I left your clutches
I showed you fierce loyalty
I paid you my dues
I gave you the credit
Because I still believed your lies
You were still the reason
For all the good in me
Until one day when a crack appeared
A crack in the mighty façade
A crack that soon became
A giant chasm
I started to see
The truth shining through
The truth that confirmed
What I had long been feeling inside
The truth is you were wrong
You lied to my face
You said you all believed the same thing
But it wasn’t true, was it
Your anointed ones had disagreed
Many times they tried to correct your errors
But you would have none of it
So they kept up the façade
You were wrong about me
I am not bad or defective
I don’t have to work so hard
To earn respect or favor
It wasn’t your greatness
That made me worthy of love
The truth about me
Is that I am loved and lovable
People like me today
I like me
People liked me years ago
Before I met you
No, it couldn’t be you
That makes me worthy
But you fooled me for a time
Today I will believe
The truth about me
18 comments:
Wow, what a poignant piece of writing...
dB
Thank you to whoever wrote this. It brought tears to my eyes. This site is simply amazing; I can finally name the fears and nightmares that have weighed me down lately.
So here's a question that has to do with the purpose of this site...
I understand that this site is a place where people can express their pains and voice their frustrations with Living Faith Fellowship. There also seems to be a second purpose to this site; to enlighten the current members of their ignorance and warn others of the danger. But here's where my question comes in...when will these goal be accomplished, when LFF shuts down, when everybody changes their mind, or when everybody who has left can move on? I think that this site has been very beneficial to many so far, but when will this continual rambling stop, where does it end...
To the previous comment:
I can't speak for everybody, but I think that this place is in no way attempting to "enlighten the current members of their ignorance".
Nor is it trying to bring about and awaiting with bated breath the shutdown of LFF.
First of all, no one can be enlightened by this site unless they had already been enlightened by their own experiences at that church. And secondly, no current and as you implicitly termed them, "unenlightened" member would be caught dead reading it.
Thirdly, only those smart enough to do an internet search before committing themselves to that place would be warned, in other words somebody who wasn't sure it seemed quite right in the first place.
Not one of the purposes you have postulated to be the reasons for the existence of this site are at the very least well thought out. And I'd like to say, I don't know for sure why this place came about, but I do think that some of the greatest things in this world are unplanned.
But, and again, I can't speak for anyone else, but this place to me is a memorial. An extended eulogy to something that each one of us who spent time at LFF lost. Something we held very dear, I'm not always sure what it is, innocence, hope, a life, maybe all those and more. But, it is something that has died and I can't get back. People grieve when something dies, it's natural. And that grief was supressed when we were there. We thought we were evil for having it and even worse if we came close to expressing it.
This place exists only to give expression to something that we were not allowed to express when we should have been. Grief only becomes worse with time if not acknowledged.
This place is a Wake.
I don't know how long it will continue, but it will last as long as it needs to.
My question to you anonymous, is: Why are you asking people to stuff down once again those long repressed feelings? Who are you to ask us to pretend the tears aren't there?
How long you ask? As long as it takes. Until the tears stop flowing and the hearts stop breaking. Until the deceived and abused find solace and answers in the truth. And when the manipulation stops. I don't think LFF shutting down would accomplish much for Christ, but a change in leadership and vision would.
God and the Holy Spirit are the authors of change. Until He is done and when He has his way. Why do we have to try to define that and put our feeble hands around a timeline that will box Him in.
I want to respond to the
I also attened LFF/PCS and was hurt by may things, but i also was enlighted and touched by what was taught. It seems to me that you only focus on the hurts or bad moments that you experienced there. I know that i will never again have the same kinds of relationships that i had with past LFF'ers. But to my point. It seems to me that you regret every part of LFF and want no part of it. Then why make a blog stating only bad things, or is this all that you experienced. My question to you is, do you regert all time you spent LFF? If not, why not talk about some of the good things that happened to you? I am not writing this to target you and say you are wrong and say LFF is right. Personaly i would not want to go back to LFF for what happend to me. But this seems to me that you are missrepresenting LFF. Stating only the bad and none of the good.
LFF was a good place to be manipulated.
LFF was a good place to be abused.
LFF was a good place to waste my college years.
LFF was a good place to watch your money get misused.
LFF was a good place to go watch a bunch of puppets and a puppetmaster.
LFF was a good place to get your kids screwed up.
LFF was a good place to get a skewed view of God and Christianity.
See, there are some good things.
Hi-
I think the person who was brave in saying that there were good things at LFF has a point. LFF was a lot like an addiction- the highs were really high, and the lows were really low- I did have some good times, and the friendships with my peers were incredible while they lasted. I found Jesus, and was even taught how to listen to his voice. I learned how to worship, and to really touch God. The only problem is that at some point it felt like the lows were occuring more frequently than the highs- with every year I spent at LFF the balance seemed to shift. I am not sure if I am the only one that happened to, but I am guessing I am not. I do have good memories of times at LFF, some of our home group meetings were unbelievable, and times like Big Weekend and Boyer Bash were a blast. Even times when we would just all hang out and sing together at someone's house, or go to CJ's for a Saturday night prayer meeting. So yes, there were good times, but that doesn't mean I would say it was worth it- I don't regret those good times, and I wouldn't change things- I am who I am today because of what I walked through at LFF, but I also wouldn't wish the bad times on anyone.
I have heard a lot of people saying they will never find freindships like they found at LFF? Are ou kidding me? Seriously? I have found people who accept me unconditionally with no competion. Not competing to see who will get what Bible study, who will get to serve what pastor, who will 'get' one of the last 2 single guys and TOTALLY manipulating each other so we would look good. I had 'friends ' who would spy on me for pastors. I do have friends that I will always have that I found there but mostly we bonded because of the pain. We are going to always be friends and love unconditionally. There are wonderful people on the outside you will have better friendshipos then you eve had there. They aren't all christians. There are some amazing people out here that I would have never met if I still had my judgemental eyes in.
I also think it was very brave to talk about some of the good things that happened at LFF. Yes the highs were high and the lows were really low and yes it seems that there were more lows than high. I have appreciated this blog giving me a place to hear and identify with the hard things I walked through in PCS/LFF. I think the only thing that makes me a little nervous is that I don't want to go around and around the mountain. Now that we've identified that we were all hurt and what happened to us, what do we do? How do we move on and not stay devastated? I want to make sure that this is a safe place not just to share the nightmares, but maybe even a few of the things that were good without worrying what people on the blog would say in response.
Something I loved about LFF was Laughing. I went to Walowa once with like a million people and never laughed as much as I did there. No matter what else people knew how to have fun.
good point (2 comments above), I know that not everyone here has had a chance to go through all of the layers of hurt and pain yet, but for the ones who are further on the path, please share your hope for the future. We can't all dwell in the mire. I personally have needed a break from dealing with all of this. I have spent nights drained of all energy as I have looked at all the layers of stuff I never dealt with since I left. I am reading Twisted Scriptures and that just really stirs it all up again.
I do know this, because of LFF, I am who I am, and I am beginning to actually like me! It all may not have changed me for the better, but I am changed for good. (See the musical Wicked to understand that).
The one thing that really can't be stolen from me is my own experience of God. God is real and God loves me. God is in each and everyone of us and God's love is not withdrawn on a whim. God doesn't have popularity contests and reward the "cool" ones. The sooner we all begin to see that there really is no separation between us, the better the world will be.
Live in peace and love!
Thank you for all of these comments. I wrote the poem "The truth about me." I wrote it hoping it would help someone out there who is struggling to understand what they are feeling about their experience at LFF. So many of us were (and still are) in the habit of ignoring what we feel. So much so, we can't even really identify it. My intent was to bring clarity and release to some bottled up emotions because I know that is an important part of my healing process. I also want to bring hope. I really do like myself and other people a whole lot more than I used to, back when I was looking through judgmental eyes. I hope that you are experiencing that, too. Blessings to you!
to the author of "the truth about me"
I hope you are coming to the meet and greet! I would love to talk to you in person (if you're open to it).
Email lffmeetandgreet@gmail.com
if you want to come.
is there actually a meet and greet scheduled? any way we can get details without releasing our identity just yet?
one person got an anon. email (hotmail, yahoo, and gmail are free) and sent that to me. I gave them info. It is still in the preliminary stage (in other words I have a few dates, and an idea of a place. I am waiting to see how many people reply before I reserve a place.)
If you don't believe that I am not from LFF (in the last 9 years anyway) then send me an email and I will send another email that LFF leadership could not have access to. That is how I proved to one person that I am who I say I am.
I have to work on not being angry at the amount of control that they still exert on us!
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