fallen
The designers of this system will deny incredulously that they hurt and drive people away. Instead, they are refining. In a Gideon like purification process, the fat has been trimmed away. All that is left to do is to conquer. They will talk of the fallen in feigned and sometimes genuine sadness, shaking their heads as if they had tried all they could to prevent the falling. Pretending they never threw stumbling stones at the feet of searching souls, all the while ignoring the tears of frustration and confusion cried by those who didn’t want to leave the place that once was life. They will apologize, don’t you worry, but not for what they have done, that they will deny. They will only apologize for the “way they made you feel” as if the actions that caused these feelings are in some way justified by a six letter prefix to their names, pastor.
They reassure the remaining, "Those who have fallen away were never devoted in the first place. They refused to let the work of God be done in their lives." 20 years of commitment was not devotion, at least not in the end. 25 years of tears are washed away by the ones who feel their own are more valuable and more heartfelt. 25 years of commitment are overlooked in an effort to find those who will support without questioning.
Years of service have been wasted on the ones who teach humility and service by offering programs where people are used to make the lives of the teachers better. Service and humility taught through degrading bouts of anger administered through the raised voices of those training the servers.
And when the load becomes too much, so that those bearing it would snap if they did not regretfully walk away from efforts proven futile, they walk. And as they walk away, the love that was promised and feigned for years on end…ceases. Casual, awkward smiles do little to conceal the true thoughts of the ones who remain.
"How could you abandon us?" the innocent ask. They will never understand nor would they believe the things that went on behind closed doors. Their minds and bodies are too weak to believe that they have been deceived. It would break them too far. They will continue to serve a cause that is, sadly, little more than the words used to describe it, causes with introspective goals labeled as causes to save the world from itself and all its evil.
Oh they will gloat in the downfall of the fallen. And they will joy in the proof that our lives offer to their rhetoric, "If you leave you will fail." But they choose to only see what they want to. It is easier to look at the failures and indiscretions of the wandering than to admit that in some ways they are to blame for the searching and stumbling. But we are stronger than they think and in many ways we will thank them for giving us the steely nature that sustains us in a place that accepts us better than they ever knew how. They did not win and we will not fail…but the cycles will repeat.
7 comments:
I just found this blog through the "next blog" button. What a small world!! I attended that church for many years and left about a year after the new pastors took over. I have never really been able to put into words what I experienced during my attendance and subsequent departure. However, you have described so perfectly what I and so many others have always felt but never known how to say. The words of every post ring all too true. This has been a poignantly therapeutic experience and I plan on returning often as my healing is long from complete....Do you except posts from other people? After reading all this I think I may finally be able to describe my plight. Keep up the good work, I greatly appreciate it and will tell others who I know have been hurt by such a cold system.
Beautiful as always!!!! I was beginning to wonder when your next post would come. In the mean time, I engaged in a small project of my own. I just finished reading my Bible cover to cover and failed to find a single word where God thought it was a good idea to build a 7.5 million dollar building. I did find lots about helping the poor, fatherless, and orphans but nothing about heaping a crippling mortgage on a dwindling congregation. My next undertaking will be the Book of Mormon, perhaps there is something about expensive buildings in there and maybe the leaders in Pullman got confused as to which book they were reading when they decided to build the building that now adorns every piece of literature churned out by the LFF's printing presses.
There is an e-mail address in the user profile. you can send any thoughts or guest posts to that e-mail address and they will be posted if appropriate.
i am also a former attendee of lff. i was referred to this blog by another former member who found it. i am still friends with many of the other former members, as they can understand the pain and confusion i have dealt with and still deal with on a daily basis.
i think the hardest thing of all is to try to forgive people who show no remorse and apparently bear no guilt for the pain and confusion that they have caused. there are moments when i am so angry, and yet i don't know how to express it since the Bible says to forgive them regardless.
you know, i don't know how many people still attend lff. I assume its probably around 400. That church hasn't really grown in soooo many years, despite how much stress they place on the "harvest" and their huge "evangelism" budget.
the lff church seats 2200 people. Yet 400 attend. I bet we could fill their 2200 person church building at least 5 times over with people who have been either hurt, confused, or creeped out by the leadership there--without even counting all of the children. (just thinking of all the children makes me cry!)
i just want to say thanks for putting this blog up. its expressing a lot of the hurts of many people over the years. perhaps it will keep many others from being hurt.
sincerely,
the vances' one-time "unfaithful servant"
(if you want, feel free to copy this text and make it a post)
Oh my gosh! I just started going to church at Living Faith Fellowship! I had no idea about all these things! Will I be blacklisted if I ask questions about all these things?
To Previous Comment:
I doubt you would be blacklisted. However, asking questions won't do much for you. Denial had long been the M.O. at Living Faith Fellowship. They will explain it all away.
You can ask anything at LFF without being blacklisted. It's only if you don't believe the lies that they WILL tell you, that you will then be blacklisted. It's always okay to ask, but you have to take their answer as God's truth, quite literally, to remain on good terms.
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