Changed (via email)
I sit here and feel emotions I though I had successfully sealed away. I sat at my computer and tears poured down my face as the pain and hurt and rage came roaring back. I do not know what to say really. I have debated even writing this. I am sure that there are many of you who felt the same emotions, thought the same thoughts when you contemplated writing your story down. A friend sent me the link and I am not so sure I should thank her. I have wrestled with telling my experience, wondering if it would serve any purpose. I have decided to do so. There are many of you who will relate, and some of you who will not, to which I am grateful you have been spared.
Many of you will figure out who I am as you read. The rest do not need to know me. To those who know, maybe this will help understand some things.
I am a product of LFF. I was not born into the church, but my family made up a large part of PCS in its early days. I was infused with LFF's dogma, legalism and servitude. My first day of PCS was the first year in the "barn". I was able to survive 8 years at PCS before I was given a choice. Come back as a freshman and submit to unbending rules and restrictions due to some infraction the year before, or go to a public school. I leaped at the chance to go school with out a dress code and for sports and girls ect. I though this will be great. Was I in for a shock. I realized that in the education department, I was above my pears do to PCS's system. But socially, what a reject. I had no idea how to interact with kids my age or girls. I was forced to continue to come to church. I hated Wednesday and Sundays. I knew I would be unable to talk to any of my former friends. I was ostracized, because I was now a bad influence and rebellious. This was my first taste of how LFF can turn on its "own" if you dare go against them. I went a bit wild to say the least. I ended up moving away and fell into a world I almost did not come out of alive. Fast forward 4 years.
I just turned 18, I have been on my own for almost 2 years. Dropped out of school to work to feed myself. Depend on no one, answer to no one, I am my own master. I have a horrible drinking and drug problem. I have been raped, beaten, robbed, hospitalized, and arrested. I know I won't live to see 19 if things keep going as they are. I am horrible alone.
I don't know what will happen if I ask to come back home, but I have to try. I make the call. I am told I can come back, but I know what my family believes and how they live. Can I submit to the rules and lifestyle? I say I don't know. I think about it for a few weeks. I have hit rock bottom, at this point I will do almost anything to escape. I say I can, I need to do something different. Life has not worked out so well. My dad and I have a long talk when I arrive. He needs to know what they have to face in the next few weeks as my body starts to purge itself. Also do a lot of talking about God and salvation. I become saved for probably the first time in my life. I remember "conversions" in PCS as a kid, but those were mostly because it was expected, along with bible memory and demerits.
I think I had finally found a relationship with God. It is the only thing that helps me survive the next year. I come back to LFF. I am not welcomed back with open arms as is the prodigal son, though I am called that many, many times. I have very strict guidelines that I have to meet to be allowed to come back. First, I go no ware in church with out my dad. Not even to the bathroom. I can talk to no one I knew or have any unattended conversations. I am watched constantly, and must prove myself to the leadership. This is how LFF welcomes back their own. I must beg to be able to attend GG's. I luck out and get a awesome guide. He is most definitely God sent , and is able to help me survive this ordeal. I go back to high school. I still have no friends until on guy steps forward and befriends me. We soon become inseparable, we understand each other, and best of all, he did not know me before I came back. I think he is my best friend. ( I come to suspect later that I had been assigned to him)
I survive this "probation", not with out some troubles along the way. I am physically healthy and struggling spiritually. I 'fall" to temptation time and time again. I step out of line even the slightest and I am nailed. There is no give for me, no leeway. This sets up my future at LFF.
Somehow I survive and seem to prove myself enough to be deemed "safe". . Fast forward 2 years.
I graduate high school and go to work. Decide not to go to college. Move out on my own. I follow all the steps, gg's, Cat's, Mirror's. ect. I do everything I think I am supposed to to develop into a "leader". I work on the new building every free moment,I meet a girl, who I fall deeply in love with. I make a couple of really good friends who are similar in thoughts and interests . The 4 of us become great friends. I join JCD's. Along the way, somehow, I develop a relationship with Jesus that I had always longed for bet never though possible. I can survive everything because I found something to help me. Life seems to be good.
Soon things begin to unravel for me. I almost lose my job due to the amount of time I spend helping on work crews, doing what is 'expected." Also, this is almost the only way I get to spend time with my girlfriend that is approved. Because young people are not to be trusted alone together on dates. Ever. No exceptions.
My relationship with God has deteriorated into works and legalism. I am struggling and do not know why. I have lost that relationship i used to have. I have myriad questions and concerns. I have done all the steps you are supposed to, and still there are no "leadership" roles for me. I see people coming in who are here for a very short time before they are "marked" for greatness and leadership roles. They are mentored and favored by leadership. I am starting to feel the bitterness as I struggle to prove myself over, and over again. I I dare voice these concerns.
I absolutely regret doing that. I get told that I am rebellious and no longer have a servants heart. I am strongly encouraged to break up with the girl, until I can get my relationship with God back. Combined with all this, I am now spending increasing amounts of time gone due to my work schedule.This sets the beginning of the end. There are a few memorable things which occur...
The girl and I break up. I am called in to Bardens office two weeks after the breakup with the girl and get told that the relationship will never work. She is a white collar girl, and I am only a blue collar guy. I am told that it will be very difficult for me to make the relationship work. This is peoples lives manipulated. She gets marked for great thinks and I am not good enough for her. I am shocked and horrified by this. I ask my CCL, what is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough. I wonder why whenever I do something wrong the news travels like lightning, yet when something like this happens, or I do something good, the news never gets relayed.
I pour myself in to the "programs" and recover a semblance of my relationship with god. Maybe I do, things seem to be going good. Leadership seems to be taking notice. Along the way the girl and I get back together. She confesses she is still in love with me, and I with her. We take it slow and try to keep leadership involved, just like good little sheep. I become a servant minister to Sherri, and am told what a honor this is. I think this is finally paying off. I am now starting to come into the potential I have been told for years that I have.
Things seem to be great. The girl and I are in the middle of the marriage homework. Work is going good. I am planning on asking her to marry me. Life is ok for me. Little did I know what was on the horizon.
The girl and I are on the last lesson of the homework, I have my proposal all planed and my leadership know all about it and approve. All the sudden the girl is to busy to spend time with me. No reasons, just always busy suddenly. I am confused and in pain and not understanding. Feeling very rejected and in pain. Come home from work out of town a few weeks later and girls want to see me. We get together and I ask what is going on. I feel like I am losing her and not sure why? She breaks up with me. Tells me her leadership agree with her. She says they helped her see that our lives were going two different directions and her relationship with God has suffered while being with me.
I am now very angry and hurt and confused. I feel like I have been blindsided and stabbed in the back. My life had been manipulated like some puppet. I am lost. I try prayer. God does not seem to hear. There is no solace in prayer or spiritual notebooks for me. I feel completely abandoned. By the only girl I have ever loved and trusted, and by God. I go through the motions of survival. I work, I eat, I sleep, I go to church, repeat. In the midst of this I go through a HCG change. I lose my long time HCGL's and get new ones. This means relating my life story and current troubles to virtual strangers.
I manage to survive for a few months on this life. I find works and legalism are not enough for me. I start to question things and I am getting no answers. I get told I am being rebellious again just like when I was a kid and look were that got me. I go to pour out all my troubles to my new HCGL's and try to find some answers. I pour out all my hurt and anger and doubts about losing this relationship with the girl, and about not sensing God anymore. I get told by the female half to "get over it. She is never coming back, now stop feeling sorry for yourself."
I stand up and walk out. I never go back to that home group.
I have fallen into depression. Everything in my life is unraveling. No relationship. No connection with God. Work is going badly. Seeing the girl every Sunday and being ignored is killing me. I start to work 70 and 80 hours a week. I struggle to find God again. Nothing seems to work. A memorable life changing event is going to take place. A man dies who I had been rude to the last time I had spoken to. I attend his memorial service and feel immense grief that the last words I had spoken had been horrible to this man, and I would never get the chance to ask his forgiveness or to let him know that I truly liked him. As I sit there feeling these emotions, Sherri Barden stops by my seat, grabs my arm, looks me in the eyes and tells me that she had wasted her time on me and everyone else had wasted time on me when they could have given to this man, and how he had really loved Jesus and now he was dead and here I still was.
I was absolutely floored. This is the woman to whom I had been a servant minister. This is the woman who had told me a few weeks before that she knew what God intended for my life and that it would be a great thing. This is the woman who I though loved me out of all the Leadership. This is supposed to be someone who is far more spiritual and hears God far more clearly that I She is one of the head pastors. I snapped. I walked out in a rage.
I stop going to church. I can not find God. I am a waste of time. I am alone and confused and full of despair. I change jobs. I spend intense times alone. I loose my friends as they do not know what to say to bring me out of despair. I learn that friends have been warned against spending time with me and I am once again a bad influence. Life at LFF has come full circle for me. I am so incredible lonely I attempt suicide. I fail at that also.
Several months go by. A old friend resurfaces. He and I have been like brother's. I limited my time with him in the past as he was a "heathen" and I was counseled to limit contact to conversion attempts only. He forgives me and we resume the depth of friendship we had previously. I get invited to a program at the church called Hells Gates, Heaven something or another. Most of you remember it. My friend comes to visit me that weekend. We go together. It was a impactful show. He has a lot of questions and I try to answer what I can and my Dad talks with him also.
That next morning my friend is killed in a motorcycle accident. We were to get together that night and watch football. My mom and sister show up and tell me the news that my friend had been killed that afternoon. I am understandably very upset. I take off and find myself back at the church and that show. I set there in tears questioning God. I am told that God has a plan and it was my friends time to go. I ask what kind of God takes a man and leaves behind a young child and wife? Once again Sherri Barden comes to the rescue. Someone had told her that my friend had just died that day and she makes the comment to me that if it was not for me my friend would still be here and his daughter would still have her daddy. I turn my back and walked out.
I figured that if this was God and Christianity then I wanted no part of it. I have not been to a church since then. I am living my life apart from everything I had ever been taught by LFF and I am doing well. I do not claim to be a christian or live like I am one. I have no understanding of how some of you can just forgive that place or the people of it. I am not that way. I have nothing but spite for LFF and its leadership. To this day, Christians have been some of the most dishonest, backstabbing, despicable people I have ever run across.
This is not meant to make me sound like a victim, and I know I made my share of mistakes along the way. However LFF had no call to try and manipulate my life or others as it saw fit to do so. I still face the after effects of my time at LFF. LFF made me dance on their strings for far to long. Do not pray for me, or feel sorry for me. I do not want it or need it. Maybe this will help someone.
Many of you will figure out who I am as you read. The rest do not need to know me. To those who know, maybe this will help understand some things.
I am a product of LFF. I was not born into the church, but my family made up a large part of PCS in its early days. I was infused with LFF's dogma, legalism and servitude. My first day of PCS was the first year in the "barn". I was able to survive 8 years at PCS before I was given a choice. Come back as a freshman and submit to unbending rules and restrictions due to some infraction the year before, or go to a public school. I leaped at the chance to go school with out a dress code and for sports and girls ect. I though this will be great. Was I in for a shock. I realized that in the education department, I was above my pears do to PCS's system. But socially, what a reject. I had no idea how to interact with kids my age or girls. I was forced to continue to come to church. I hated Wednesday and Sundays. I knew I would be unable to talk to any of my former friends. I was ostracized, because I was now a bad influence and rebellious. This was my first taste of how LFF can turn on its "own" if you dare go against them. I went a bit wild to say the least. I ended up moving away and fell into a world I almost did not come out of alive. Fast forward 4 years.
I just turned 18, I have been on my own for almost 2 years. Dropped out of school to work to feed myself. Depend on no one, answer to no one, I am my own master. I have a horrible drinking and drug problem. I have been raped, beaten, robbed, hospitalized, and arrested. I know I won't live to see 19 if things keep going as they are. I am horrible alone.
I don't know what will happen if I ask to come back home, but I have to try. I make the call. I am told I can come back, but I know what my family believes and how they live. Can I submit to the rules and lifestyle? I say I don't know. I think about it for a few weeks. I have hit rock bottom, at this point I will do almost anything to escape. I say I can, I need to do something different. Life has not worked out so well. My dad and I have a long talk when I arrive. He needs to know what they have to face in the next few weeks as my body starts to purge itself. Also do a lot of talking about God and salvation. I become saved for probably the first time in my life. I remember "conversions" in PCS as a kid, but those were mostly because it was expected, along with bible memory and demerits.
I think I had finally found a relationship with God. It is the only thing that helps me survive the next year. I come back to LFF. I am not welcomed back with open arms as is the prodigal son, though I am called that many, many times. I have very strict guidelines that I have to meet to be allowed to come back. First, I go no ware in church with out my dad. Not even to the bathroom. I can talk to no one I knew or have any unattended conversations. I am watched constantly, and must prove myself to the leadership. This is how LFF welcomes back their own. I must beg to be able to attend GG's. I luck out and get a awesome guide. He is most definitely God sent , and is able to help me survive this ordeal. I go back to high school. I still have no friends until on guy steps forward and befriends me. We soon become inseparable, we understand each other, and best of all, he did not know me before I came back. I think he is my best friend. ( I come to suspect later that I had been assigned to him)
I survive this "probation", not with out some troubles along the way. I am physically healthy and struggling spiritually. I 'fall" to temptation time and time again. I step out of line even the slightest and I am nailed. There is no give for me, no leeway. This sets up my future at LFF.
Somehow I survive and seem to prove myself enough to be deemed "safe". . Fast forward 2 years.
I graduate high school and go to work. Decide not to go to college. Move out on my own. I follow all the steps, gg's, Cat's, Mirror's. ect. I do everything I think I am supposed to to develop into a "leader". I work on the new building every free moment,I meet a girl, who I fall deeply in love with. I make a couple of really good friends who are similar in thoughts and interests . The 4 of us become great friends. I join JCD's. Along the way, somehow, I develop a relationship with Jesus that I had always longed for bet never though possible. I can survive everything because I found something to help me. Life seems to be good.
Soon things begin to unravel for me. I almost lose my job due to the amount of time I spend helping on work crews, doing what is 'expected." Also, this is almost the only way I get to spend time with my girlfriend that is approved. Because young people are not to be trusted alone together on dates. Ever. No exceptions.
My relationship with God has deteriorated into works and legalism. I am struggling and do not know why. I have lost that relationship i used to have. I have myriad questions and concerns. I have done all the steps you are supposed to, and still there are no "leadership" roles for me. I see people coming in who are here for a very short time before they are "marked" for greatness and leadership roles. They are mentored and favored by leadership. I am starting to feel the bitterness as I struggle to prove myself over, and over again. I I dare voice these concerns.
I absolutely regret doing that. I get told that I am rebellious and no longer have a servants heart. I am strongly encouraged to break up with the girl, until I can get my relationship with God back. Combined with all this, I am now spending increasing amounts of time gone due to my work schedule.This sets the beginning of the end. There are a few memorable things which occur...
The girl and I break up. I am called in to Bardens office two weeks after the breakup with the girl and get told that the relationship will never work. She is a white collar girl, and I am only a blue collar guy. I am told that it will be very difficult for me to make the relationship work. This is peoples lives manipulated. She gets marked for great thinks and I am not good enough for her. I am shocked and horrified by this. I ask my CCL, what is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough. I wonder why whenever I do something wrong the news travels like lightning, yet when something like this happens, or I do something good, the news never gets relayed.
I pour myself in to the "programs" and recover a semblance of my relationship with god. Maybe I do, things seem to be going good. Leadership seems to be taking notice. Along the way the girl and I get back together. She confesses she is still in love with me, and I with her. We take it slow and try to keep leadership involved, just like good little sheep. I become a servant minister to Sherri, and am told what a honor this is. I think this is finally paying off. I am now starting to come into the potential I have been told for years that I have.
Things seem to be great. The girl and I are in the middle of the marriage homework. Work is going good. I am planning on asking her to marry me. Life is ok for me. Little did I know what was on the horizon.
The girl and I are on the last lesson of the homework, I have my proposal all planed and my leadership know all about it and approve. All the sudden the girl is to busy to spend time with me. No reasons, just always busy suddenly. I am confused and in pain and not understanding. Feeling very rejected and in pain. Come home from work out of town a few weeks later and girls want to see me. We get together and I ask what is going on. I feel like I am losing her and not sure why? She breaks up with me. Tells me her leadership agree with her. She says they helped her see that our lives were going two different directions and her relationship with God has suffered while being with me.
I am now very angry and hurt and confused. I feel like I have been blindsided and stabbed in the back. My life had been manipulated like some puppet. I am lost. I try prayer. God does not seem to hear. There is no solace in prayer or spiritual notebooks for me. I feel completely abandoned. By the only girl I have ever loved and trusted, and by God. I go through the motions of survival. I work, I eat, I sleep, I go to church, repeat. In the midst of this I go through a HCG change. I lose my long time HCGL's and get new ones. This means relating my life story and current troubles to virtual strangers.
I manage to survive for a few months on this life. I find works and legalism are not enough for me. I start to question things and I am getting no answers. I get told I am being rebellious again just like when I was a kid and look were that got me. I go to pour out all my troubles to my new HCGL's and try to find some answers. I pour out all my hurt and anger and doubts about losing this relationship with the girl, and about not sensing God anymore. I get told by the female half to "get over it. She is never coming back, now stop feeling sorry for yourself."
I stand up and walk out. I never go back to that home group.
I have fallen into depression. Everything in my life is unraveling. No relationship. No connection with God. Work is going badly. Seeing the girl every Sunday and being ignored is killing me. I start to work 70 and 80 hours a week. I struggle to find God again. Nothing seems to work. A memorable life changing event is going to take place. A man dies who I had been rude to the last time I had spoken to. I attend his memorial service and feel immense grief that the last words I had spoken had been horrible to this man, and I would never get the chance to ask his forgiveness or to let him know that I truly liked him. As I sit there feeling these emotions, Sherri Barden stops by my seat, grabs my arm, looks me in the eyes and tells me that she had wasted her time on me and everyone else had wasted time on me when they could have given to this man, and how he had really loved Jesus and now he was dead and here I still was.
I was absolutely floored. This is the woman to whom I had been a servant minister. This is the woman who had told me a few weeks before that she knew what God intended for my life and that it would be a great thing. This is the woman who I though loved me out of all the Leadership. This is supposed to be someone who is far more spiritual and hears God far more clearly that I She is one of the head pastors. I snapped. I walked out in a rage.
I stop going to church. I can not find God. I am a waste of time. I am alone and confused and full of despair. I change jobs. I spend intense times alone. I loose my friends as they do not know what to say to bring me out of despair. I learn that friends have been warned against spending time with me and I am once again a bad influence. Life at LFF has come full circle for me. I am so incredible lonely I attempt suicide. I fail at that also.
Several months go by. A old friend resurfaces. He and I have been like brother's. I limited my time with him in the past as he was a "heathen" and I was counseled to limit contact to conversion attempts only. He forgives me and we resume the depth of friendship we had previously. I get invited to a program at the church called Hells Gates, Heaven something or another. Most of you remember it. My friend comes to visit me that weekend. We go together. It was a impactful show. He has a lot of questions and I try to answer what I can and my Dad talks with him also.
That next morning my friend is killed in a motorcycle accident. We were to get together that night and watch football. My mom and sister show up and tell me the news that my friend had been killed that afternoon. I am understandably very upset. I take off and find myself back at the church and that show. I set there in tears questioning God. I am told that God has a plan and it was my friends time to go. I ask what kind of God takes a man and leaves behind a young child and wife? Once again Sherri Barden comes to the rescue. Someone had told her that my friend had just died that day and she makes the comment to me that if it was not for me my friend would still be here and his daughter would still have her daddy. I turn my back and walked out.
I figured that if this was God and Christianity then I wanted no part of it. I have not been to a church since then. I am living my life apart from everything I had ever been taught by LFF and I am doing well. I do not claim to be a christian or live like I am one. I have no understanding of how some of you can just forgive that place or the people of it. I am not that way. I have nothing but spite for LFF and its leadership. To this day, Christians have been some of the most dishonest, backstabbing, despicable people I have ever run across.
This is not meant to make me sound like a victim, and I know I made my share of mistakes along the way. However LFF had no call to try and manipulate my life or others as it saw fit to do so. I still face the after effects of my time at LFF. LFF made me dance on their strings for far to long. Do not pray for me, or feel sorry for me. I do not want it or need it. Maybe this will help someone.
26 comments:
This post takes me back a ways. Thanks for writing what you did. I am pretty sure I remember who you are and wish none of that had happened. Unfortunately we cannot go back to relive events of the past. I wish a good comment could erase the hurt, but I know it can't. I feel similar to you about "christians." I have learned in my line of work that it seems the people who flaunt their "christianity," (i.e. people with the bumper stickers, Jesus fish, crosses, etc.) are some of the worst people to deal with. It is unbelievable that those that should care the most for people, or say they do, can be some of the most selfish people on the planet. Something I have had to do is separate "Christianity" from relationship with Jesus. I believe that Jesus is real, and He loves me and that is about all I really do know right now. I figure the rest will work itself out eventually. After my dealings with LFF I became confused and frustrated just like you. LFF's way of relationship with Jesus is not the only way. I hope that if nothing else you know that Jesus is real, and he loves you. Please don't give up on Him because of LFF. What happened there was wrong, but He is real. Please don't give up. It's good to hear from you.
I am overwhelmed with the ugliness that was and is lff. I'm so sorry for your pain and wish I could hug you and tell you I love you.
Please don't hate me for forwarding this blig to you. Although I have been your friend for so long I guess you have kept a lot of deep feelings hidden from me. I just always admired you for being such a strong guy. I knew what you had went through, but honestly I didn't realize how deep your hurt was and still is. I hope writing your story helped in some way. I know you have a great life now but please know that I love you and your family very much despite the time and distance. :)
I hope you realize that what Sherri said to you was her stuff coming out. It really wasn't about you. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but if you can see that, it will help you to heal somewhat.
I can confidently tell you that Jesus doesn't blame you for your friend's death or the other guy's either. I know that also may not help with the pain you have gone through, but know you are not going to be held accountable for that. (Sherri might for the pain she inflicted on you). As I read your post, I can see that you were not "hard hearted" you just needed answers that LFF couldn't answer.
I went through rehab with my daughter, and the biggest revelation for me was that her addiction (heroin) was not a "moral fault" on her part, nor a parenting failure on my part. I see that it is a disease (which if you look in both sides of her family there is so much addiction that it is amazing the whole family isn't addicted to something!) As I was able to let go of the guilt and condemnation that was where I lived, I was able to really release the whole thing into God's hand. Guilt and condemnation are just one of the main tools that LFF uses to control us. If you are still living there (in guilt and condemnation) let me encourage you! You don't have to live there anymore! You don't have to give LFF control in your life anymore (even if you don't go there anymore). Here is a truth you can hold onto regardless of what anyone else says.
God loves you just as you are! You are acceptable in God's sight. Don't accept any word that says differently. That is grace boiled down to the elemental truth.
Also, don't discredit the truth of your relationship with God. You do know God. Don't let the lies of LFF take that away from you.
I won't follow your wishes (sorry) I do feel sorrow for what you have gone through. I will be praying for you. God will bind up the wounds that were inflicted on you.
BTW, my daughter (an ex-PCSer) has almost 4 years clean! God is good!
I want to encourage you to take encouragement from the first comment to your post. Let God be true and every man a liar. The relationship that you "thought" you had with God was and is real. All of us who have left have had to acknowledge, if not deal with, a lot of garbage in our lives because of the time we spent at LFF. Lots of churches have messed lots of people up, we just happened to land in one of the worst.
I will keep you in my prayers as well.
It is so hard to look back at those times in our lives from when we were just kids playing together or teenagers working together and even the time we lived together and wonder to myself what kind of a friend would have let you down so bad. I would like to ask you to forgive me for not being the friend I really should have been. I do understand if you do not want to. I have enjoyed the times I have talked to you since you have left. It is always good to hear how you are doing I only regret that so much time has passed since we last talked. I have also moved on with my life from LFF and it is the best thing I ever did. It is so freeing to be out of that place. I do agree if you need to have a fish on your car or feel the need to tell people that you are a Christian that you should just let your life tell the story. I do miss our friendship and wish you the best.
Heaven's Gates - Hell's Flames. I was an actor in that one. In my role I was mocking "Christians" with their big black Bibles (or you could say Jesus bumper stickers, fish emblems, fill in the blank). Oh, and I got thrown into hell. Today I agree with the way my character was thinking a lot of the time. "Christians" have let me down, stabbed me in the back, and been some of the meanest most spiteful, hypocritical people I have ever met.
Some, however, really do live a life that's Christlike. They hang out with people of all different backgrounds and world views. They don't judge. They only share about their faith when asked. They are generous. Not what was modeled for us at LFF (even though they said they did).
I, too, do not tell anyone I'm a Christian. I shouldn't need to. Oh, and I don't believe God or the devil is going to throw me into hell's flames for writing this!
I was in that play too....I was a drunk teenager who went to Hell....bummer.
OMG! I gave my life to Christ at the Heavens Gates Hells Flames play! It was the night after the friend mentioned above was killed in the accident. They told us all at the service, in an effort to scare us to Christ. Well, for me it worked! I don't know if it was the best technique, but God used it to get my attention, and it turned my life around!
To the person writing this post: Thank you for telling your story. It's so painful that I haven't been able to read it another time yet. Something that I've had reinforced with this whole blog is that people around me may be experiencing excruciating pain that I don't know about. Jesus, please help us all to show compassion and caring rather than judgment.
Your story is so sad. We were there after all of this - after the early beginning for a time and then after the break up - never knew what for or why...we weren't allowed to know - just to help pick up the pieces. If we were part of this story as you tell it in any way - forgive us! There is no excuse for what you walked through. The real finger should have been in Sherri's face, among others, saying shame on her for tying a millstone around someone's neck! The bondage she delivered after that accident was nothing but pure ungodliness, selfishness, pride and malice. I might even go as far as to say she was used by the enemy to torment you! How disgusting! How sad.
In my opinion, the one whom you loved was drawn in so deep that she could not separate God from the other voices that "counseled her". That's sad too. Sometimes I wonder what might have really happened with all of us without the "direction" we were given along the way.
Bless you - heal you - Fly.
Dear Changed,
You lived in a system of pharisees. It's no wondered you were not taken care of. There is a gospel of truth that looks nothing like LFF in it's former "heyday". God cares about your heart, he cares about you. Weaved in these posts are glimmers of hope, truth, a lot of pain and bitterness. Hold on to the hope.
Write if you'd like fellow_sojourner@comcast.net
Changed,
You make a very interesting point about the rottenness of the culture at LFF displayed by the events you suffered.
If someone believes that events in life are metaphors that have some "deeper meaning" it could lead them to treat someone like this who had suffered loss already. Some people are more impressionable than others, and therefore more susceptible to the distortions of reality.
In this kind of system, death is more than simply something that happens to anyone coming into this world. It has deeper meaning.
Over spiritualizing these events and investing them with other meanings leads to a very schizophrenic view of life. We on the one hand live it in the flesh, but our view of the world is influenced by these ideas. In this mind set, a tragic event becomes more than one of life's difficulties, it is transformed into hypertext that takes us to a very different website, a very different reality.
Your friends died. Your grief should have been the only pain you felt, and it would have been more than enough, but burdens were added to you. You were made to feel like a tragic figure in a metaphysical play, all of the parts being scripted for you by others.
All of this world view is pagan, New Age, and has nothing to do with saving faith in Jesus Christ or with healthy scriptural living. Faith is spiritual, but it is not schizophrenic, and His burden is easy, and His yoke is light. He knows that our lives are difficult enough, with death and suffering around us, not to add to them by mental and emotional instability with a pathological world view.
I will still pray for you, although if you heard my prayers for you, they would not offend you, I will pray along side of you, not pray down to you. Mostly, I pray that you will pray again.
A friend
And please pray the same for me.
me too.
Don't let the LawHeads steal your freedom!
Check THIS out!
Nice Post from Trent. Good reading. I found this quiz through a link on his page. Please READ! I couldn't have passed this test when I was at LFF. Maybe they should check it out.
Could you be a legalist?—Take the quiz!
Answer yes or no to the following questions:
1) God's love for me depends on what I do.
2) Meeting the expectations of others, especially those in my congregation or in positions of authority, are paramount.
3) Moral and ethical questions are usually black and white and only made into fuzzy shades of gray by hand-wringing, bleeding-heart types.
4) I try hard to obey God and it irritates me that others think they can get away with avoiding the same level of dedication.
5) I fall short because I don't have enough faith, or because I haven't prayed enough, or because I just need to be a better person.
6) God is predisposed to be angry with me because I am a sinner. My main goal in life is to try to gain God's favor by doing things that will impress him.
7) My sense of spiritual well-being is linked to a Christian leader or membership in my church rather than a personal relationship with God.
8) I tell my children not to do something in church or around other Christian families that I allow in my home.
9) I believe my church is God's true church and that most other Christians may be sincere, but are sincerely wrong.
10) The exterior choices a person makes in what they wear, hairstyle, piercings, tattoos, etc. is a clear indication of that person's character.
11) I sometimes worry that people might take advantage of grace if it's preached too much —people might think they can do anything they want.
12) After being around Christians for a while I feel drained —weary of putting up a false front.
13) When I happen to miss a service or activity of my church I feel guilty.
14) I will likely get into heaven, even though I'm far from perfect, because I have tried to be a basically good person and God will take that into account.
How did you do?
http://www.ptm.org/legalism/legalismQuiz.htm
Hi all...
I have to agree with the many who have found assurance of their salvation by grace alone in the reformed faith. It gets down to fundamental belief systems. If an organization like LFF dismisses 500+ years of church history and orthodox historical theology for "what God is saying now" it is not surprising that they do some bizarre things.
They have no meaningful church court system of real, substantial trans-local acocuntability. Have you ever heard of a Pastor Karl or Pastor Kari being brought up on charges by a member of their congregation and another group of elders from another locale having aformal investigation into those charges?
LFF leaders would look on a reformed or presbyterian type system of overlapping, decentralized, accountability as unecessary. The reason they overlook it is they have never seriously studied why reformers like Calvin, Knox and others established these systems in opposition to hierarchical Roman Catholicism. The reformers understood the total depravity of man and that depraved men even after conversion are still fallen, broken human beings and need to be held accountable.
Ahh...now we are getting down to root causes of some of the pain caused by LFF leaders. If leaders do not understand the implications of human nature and dismiss what so many wise (yet fallen) men from the past thoughtfully gave us is it any wonder LFF leaders set up domineering oversight systems, with no workable translocal appeal court system? LFF is just another example of fallen people who don't really believe they are totally broken and fallen and set up systems that don't take into account their own brokeness.
If someone believes when they are saved they somehow get a NEW nature that is not totally broken then they can come to believe that they have some ne revelation that the old accountability systems such as in many orthodox reformed churches, are not needed in an LFF system. If leaders are not total depraved and have a NEW nature then surely they will not abude their charges or act like tyrants, therefore they won't need to have siginficant accountability systems in place.
We can be thankful that most of our founding fathers in the US understood the total depravity of man and se in place the separation of powers so no one divison of government could dominate the other. Checks and balances are one way -- not without its problems--to counter total depravity in all men (converted and unconverted).
Until LFF jettisons its belief in the NEW nature doctrine following conversion they will never see how their system needs to change.
Otherwise LFF will continue to be a Dark Night of the Soul for so many.
You cannot build something on a faulty foundation.
It sounds weird, but after going through the suffering and tears at LFF, still I would not ask God to take all of those experiences away. Because, he used them to show me my need for him, he used them to lead me to himself.
This is not the same as saying I used wisdom in my decision to attend LFF. I did not, I attended LFF out of insecurity and fear, and insecurity and fear kept me attending year by year.
I did not receive a new nature at baptism, nor does scripture teach that, as you have said. With Paul, I am chief of sinners. My nature is depraved, and I could no longer live under the tension of that belief system in its conflict with the reality of my own inward sinfulness. The tension was making me sick literally, I was on anti-depressants that I no longer need.
I need Jesus. I need him every day, I need his salvation, his grace, my faith is that he will save me in spite of my sinfulness, not because I have made myself good enough to be saved. He is my King. He went to the cross for me. He suffered for me to satisfy God's justice.
Day by day I am filled with awe at his love for me, his grace, his healing in my heart and in those I love.
I spent almost 17years in a church that suck the life and mic-managed my whole life and I married someone in it now my children are locked in and I can not get them out and I have never real had a marrage cus my husband is married to them not me, yes I know the pain more then I would ever want to know my friend.
to "care4U" : I am praying for you. Please don't give up on your marriage. It may seem like your husband is married to LFFand that you don't have much of a marriage. I was once in a similar place. Sherri Barden had more influence over my husband than I did - and she let me know that I should be grateful to her for her influence. One thing to remember is that there is no way that your husband can be getting what he needs from LFF. Their approval, no matter how great, will ever be enough. Your love for and your friendship with him are more valuable than he realizes...I'm praying that the Holy Spirit will open his eyes. My husband and I were totally involved at LFF before and during the early years of our marriage. We didn't develop the friendship and love that we should have, and we're still struggling. We have hope, though, and we've had some breakthroughs. LFF is hard on marriages because the leadership doesn't recognize the union and joining that God created between a husband and wife. Spouses (while I was there) were encouraged to go to leadership and expose doubts expressed by their partner. No relationship was safe from prying eyes. Yes, you know pain, and you will likely know more. May you also know the true comfort of the Holy Spirit and the extent of God's grace.
I read your comments with great sadness. I've been out of touch until recently when a good friend shared with me she went to LFF in her college years. I had hopes they might have changed their ways but apparently not so. LFF looks like one long painful spiritual train wreck.
I haven't been able to figure out who you were but i am sure i knew you when you were at kid. I've had those same feelings - that many Christians are the most dishonest, lying, cheating, stealing people on the face of the earth. For those who claim to embrase truth, truth sure seems to be a stranger to them. Just because a mouse lives in the cookie jar, it does not make him a cookie. This is why Jesus told us to judge a tree by its fruit. We not only have the right but the responsibility, the mandate, the necessity to discern where others are coming from (while ignoring entirely what they claim or say about themselves.) Gosh, this has been a hard one for me to figure out and actually do this. I wanted to trust people. Shouldn't we be able to trust others, especially those who say they love us?
I no longer take for granted what most people say. I look at what they do, how they behave. Frankly i would rather be friends with an honest heather than a dishonest "christian". But not all Christians are dishonest - hey, a bunch of us left LFF over honesty issues and by golly it was the right thing to do.
I wish i could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you. It took me over 20 years to get them out of my dreams (not good dreams) and i am still un-learning things form LFF and from other churches for that matter. Personally i think Jesus' church in the USA is in rather sick shape. I wish i had some answers for that too.
You are not alone in your hurt.
George N. Sally
i dont know u ... but what turned around my life was the holy spirit and if u ask god to give that to you.. you will never be the same! i am young and have had troubles not as bad but god delivered me and he can for u too! the holy spirit will changed ur life and you will feel gods presence like i did! You must tri! and remember god wants to give this gift to u! read about it in acts chapter 2!
Gob Bless and i will always pray for you because jesus saves heals and delivers! he is a living God
if anyone has questions about the holy spirit please email me at joe_peshy@hotmail.com that is not my name but just an email to reach out to people ineed of God!
To the original poster of this part of the blog...
I know who you are and have been thinking about you so much since the blog. You and I used to have many a conversation as friends and I hated watching you suffer as you lost the one you loved. I don't feel comfortable stating my name but just know someone still thinks you are a great guy and hope the bad has been turned into good somehow.
I think your ex is still a slave to the ex under pastors. They were confronted about the ways they were using her but it didn't help. Sad. I can't get why everyone else can see the obvious except them. I hear she may be finally getting married.
Anyway, I won't forget our late night conversation in front of the Silflow's house talking about your girl and your dreams. You were a great friend and I had no idea all those things happened to you. Of course when you left it was made to seem like it was all your problem because LFF was never at fault. Still, I always wondered.
Blessings to you!
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