Reflection (via e-mail)

First of all- this is a good blog, thank you to whoever is maintaining it, I think it is important for people who have left LFF to have a place to talk about what happened to them, and to share their feelings with people who may understand- I have found that unless you were there, and experienced it, it can't be understood. I have spoken to other Pastors to try and make sense of some of the things, and almost immediately I can see them get nervous or get that look like "uh-oh" a dissenter, or a trouble maker- but I think here we all know that we weren't. We were just hurt and confused, and this type of expression brings some peace to those who use it.

I left LFF after spending 5 years of my young adult life with them. I made some mistakes (that I admitted), but they weren't life and death mistakes, just stupid things like being sloppy and forgetful, not keeping track of things correctly etc- things that since I left I have learned were fairly normal for where I was in my life. I am not making excuses for them, but I received a response that made me reassess my relationship with the church. Up to that point I was a Bible Study leader, a JCD, an intern, and a campus rep, I had developed a real relationship with Jesus, and felt like although I had problems, I was zealous to serve him. But I have to admit that when my CCL and HCL started questioning my sexuality, and my deliverance etc I was confused, scared and overwhelmingly sad. Yet, I stuck it out for some time, actually I held on believing I would be forgiven until one morning at crew. I was accused by an HCL (not my own) of making a sheep fall because I didn't get them to a baptism service on time, and I was told I was selfish and unrepentant. Now, this was very painful because I felt like I had given the last 5 years of my life to the exact opposite thing, I had spent those years documenting my life in 15 minute increments to show that I was spending time bringing people to the Lord- not making them stumble. All that being said, I have to say that I am sad for the people who have been hurt, and I know some of you spent many more years there than me, and I do understand the confusion and loneliness of leaving. But at the end of the day as I look back, I am still grateful to them for my salvation- I would not know Jesus if I had not gone to LFF.

That is hard for me to say; while I was there I walked through a lot of pain- I was "in love" with someone who was very close to leadership, we were doing marriage homework when some of this happened and I believe he was counseled to break up with me; he did it on the phone before a CCF. Obviously, I didn't feel up to going to CCF, but a little later I got a call from my HCL (who knew he had broken up with me) telling me I should be at CCF that night, and missing it was selfish. I only tell you these things because I want anyone reading to know that I did go through pain- but again I say I learned some things about Jesus that were real, and I did learn how to listen to Him. What is ironic is that they taught me to listen to God, and it was that very teaching that allowed me to hear God when he started telling me LFF wasn't where he wanted me.

I have been gone from LFF for over 5 years, and although the wounds left scars, the good thing about scars is that they remind you of what happened, but after a while they stop hurting. I am closer to the Lord now than I ever was; I am married to a fabulous man and we are serving the Lord together, and God has worked things out for me in a way I could not have imagined. So I hope this gives people who have just left, or who are stuck there (either physically or emotionally) some hope. God really does work all things out for good for those who love him- I am proof. We need to stay focused on loving God, and remember that he is our hope and our salvation not a church or a leader- they only have as much power to still hurt us as we let them have- When I finally turned all my pain over to Jesus he really did touch me, and he really did heal me, and yes I am still skeptical of some leadership but I feel like with him, I can heal from that too- he is my hope.

God Bless You All

1 Corinthians 2:9 - But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him