Another comment....

This was posted by a reader in the comment box. They have asked us to make this a post on the main page. Enjoy!!!

This is my first time reading & commenting on this site where you are all being so open & vulnerable (if I were to say so OHT would that sting? I don't want it to).

First I must say that the heading "LFF destroys lives" startled me. Not that lives have not or are not being slashed through the mud. I hurt a lot over the pain that so many, many people that have been such an integral part of my life have lived & are living. There has been real pain also in my life & those of my immediate family that hurts too- I'm not a joyful martyr.

My point it that LFF both gave life & took life.

I came to Pullman like most of you did as an 18-yr. old college student. Like many of you my life pre-LFF had not been "pleasant-ville". Emotional, psychological & physical abuse was apart of it. I had become a Christian as a young teen, made choices & lived a life that resembled more Mary Mag before she meet Jesus than after. I had been surrounded my whole life by Christians, many that professed Jesus on one hand, watched, supported, abused &/or lied to me on the other. In one of the 1st prophecies over my life at LFF Jesus shared my experience by telling me that He knew exactly how people who were called by His name had touched me. He said "you have known those who "say" that they are Christians but look to me". [Personal note on "say": I knew the point wasn't if they really were or were not Christians- the point was my focus].

I'm not saying I did or do look to Him, as I should. But this is still one of the most precious Words to me because I knew He knew my pain. What had those that had said that they loved Him done to Him? Was Judas really just trying to manipulate Jesus into becoming what he thought he should be? Did he intend the evil for good or the good for evil? I don't know. But God used it. And because of it I have relationship with Him now & for eternity.

I guess I am likening LFF to the same. I was shot down when I was hurting, told to "buck-up" & repent when my world was falling apart. When I was sick I was ALWAYS in trouble. Where was the one to pick me up & clean me up & love on me? Not there. When my greatest fear was to be alone- I was left all alone & chastised for being demanding. When I grieved - I grieved. I was hurt most when I was already wounded. Pushed aside when I had repented & returned longing to be touched. And as were you all, I was labeled. This person = This.

But Jesus never stopped loving me, longing to touch me & use His people to comfort me.

Now that I have agreed with the life that was taken from me let me share about the life that was given.

I know the Word of God. I rhema the Word of God. My foundations that were built on all else have been shaken & they have fallen (PAINFULLY)- but on the truth I can still stand. I do have strong foundations- they needed dusting off but they are there. I have solid bible training. More personal time in the Word then most Pastors. - Try & stand back & take the legalism out of the sayings, the checklists, the reports. As I actually saw that there had once been real life in the Catholic mass (after enough years away I actually heard what was said & because of all the years of teaching on the Word of God). - Somewhere in there was real life.

Remember, we make legalism: what today is manna tomorrow is slime full of maggots. Let's try not to force feed ourselves or others yesterday's manna.


I know my God is true & every man a liar. People before LFF, people in & through LFF & people after LFF. None of them are different. Some mess with my head more (was it at age 13 or at 30?), some for longer periods of time (was it the rape at 16 or the decades at LFF?). Some have truly loved me, many that did didn't know how. And many times I didn't know how to receive it.

Why does God allow such awful things? This is the #1 most asked question in my post LFF life. And it rarely has to do with LFF. Awful things are awful. They are not LFF, they are not the devastation in New Orleans or Pakistan. They are the child that crossed the street by my church & was hit by a car. Got up feeling bruised but ok- thank God it wasn't that bad. He later died of a massive internal hemorrhage. He had been adopted by a loving family, saved out of a life of poverty, & the orphanage. Where was God in that?

The good in the awful that has touched me? I can often find in it a changed me.

Compassion - it's me taking on someone else's passion. Having already hurt personally, often I can go into battle for those around me that are devastated & paralyzed by what they are in the midst of.

My head knowledge can be challenged but my heart knowledge cannot. What I have walked is mine. I minister out of a life that is not perfect. Believe it or not I learned this at LFF. Not by others example but often by their lack of it. I minister out of a life that has been littered with pain. Pain that both caused me to jump into & to jump out of Jesus' lap. Today those near me know I struggle with depression. They know that when I enter into worship I go someplace else & Jesus ministers to my soul. They know I HAVE to lean on Him & that I don't have it all. They know that I mess up, that I can be hurtful. They also know my love. They see our Jesus in me- sometime they feel His hand in my touch, His voice in my heartcry.

At LFF I lived in community. Post LFF I live in an awful place called the real world. Where people freely smile in my face & stab me in the back. Where if I try to get real with someone they can't handle it. Where I continue to fail & NO ONE forgives me. It's the real world. It sucks (I hate that term but it fits). I live in a world of faces covered with masks. Not much has changed, yet a lot has.

Did people I trust mess with my head? Yep. And as long as I trust they will.

After living a few decades as a LFFer & now living many years post LFF I must say that the other most precious part of my life in & through LFF is YOU.

When was the last time I looked you in the eye & told you that I am grateful for you? I know I never said it enough- nor would I be able to even if I began now & continue through our dear Lords eternity. THANK YOU.

No, not thank you for hurting me, even when you were just trying to do the right thing or what you felt you were told to. Not for the many times that I hurt you. But THANK YOU for living with me, for the moments we touched, for the warmth & depth of the Jesus that is in you.

I know Jesus has been faithful to heal me A LOT. I also know that this week I have been struggling anew with despair. I know that He will one day take away all my tears. But for now I cry. I hurt. I hurt others. But I also love & am loved. I care- that in itself often hurts.

I pray that you all continue to find healing. It scars, but it will heal.


May you find what it is that your heart truly longs for - Jesus. Him pure.

Not through filthy human hands but also often through filthy human hands.

In Num. 22 God used an ass. In my life He has used many & at times I am that one which He uses.

Jesus Bless you as only He can.


Thanks for listening. Did I mention that is something else I miss? - your listening.