Tonight
I was walking tonight, trying my best to find my way. At times it was easy, but sometimes there was nothing but confusion. I asked you for clarity but received only ridicule. I should have known questions are not tolerated. Nevertheless, I continued, surely this journey would lead me home. I followed your advice and did as you said, for to me, your words were God's. Yet try as I may, my best attempts were never good enough, somehow, someway; you always managed to highlight my flaws. Can't you see the desire in my eyes; can't you see I am trying?
I am falling tonight; I can see the ground so quickly approaching. I call for your help, hoping that maybe you will catch me after all these years of holding you up. But my cries fall on deaf ears, and the impact lies imminent.
I am crying tonight, broken from my fall. "Come help me," I plead, "I have fallen farther than I ever thought possible." But you scold me; you belittle me for falling. You rebuke me for not seeing the stone you put in my path, and heap guilt upon me for lying here broken. I was wrong to ever expect your assistance; you tolerate nothing less than perfection.
I am better tonight. I picked up the pieces alone and I continue on my journey. But you will have nothing to do with me. You tripped me and now ostracize me for falling. I followed your advice right off this cliff and must now find the light without you. My search continues, this time unabated by your unnecessary burdens and obstacles.
4 comments:
The tears in my eyes show just how real that post is to me. I know exactly the feelings you are describing. I've been there and i identify with all of it.
I am just a random visitor who found this site by clicking Next Blog. But I will pray for those who fall victim to the spiritual abuse you speak of.
I was very moved by this. I have so much to say but know not where to begin. This made me mad, made me cry, and gave me hope. I am on this journey too, but still have not managed to get back up. Someday, hopefully tomorrow.
I stumbled across this site on a lonely night when the demons from my past where once again haunting my memories and blurring my vision. It has taken me six years to try to erase these memories, renew my journey with Christ, and find that peace that I once knew. I have traveled to the ends of the world for this peace. I have studied many religions; Hinduism, Buddhism, Morminism, and many "forms" of Christianity. I hope that one day I can find the peace I was told I'd find, until then I am alone with my haunting memories and broken dreams. Who knew this would be my lot when I arrived in Pullman to shape my mind and life for a future after college.
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